Directed by Blake Edwards. Written by Blake Edwards and Arthur A. Ross.

Professor Fate

• [covered in feathers after crashing during a stunt] I'd like to see the Great Leslie try THAT one!"

• [covered in hot slurry after crashing during another stunt] Well, there's another one Leslie can try on for size!

• Push the button, Max! [on numerous occasions.]

• You have a brain the size of a carbuncle! Get outta here before Leslie spots us! Dive, crash dive! [to Max]

• Thieves, brigans and cut-throats of all nations may hound us... but we are ready for them, we shall blast them into Kingdom Come.

• Why you thimble headed gherkin! Do you realize the odds against a storm in this part of the ocean at this time of the year? [to Max]

• You bumbling idiots, you will answer to my government for this outrage, outrage! You are kidnapping Fate the Magnificent! Look, let's get practical. I don't care what you do to the others, as long as you let me go. What do you say to five HUNDRED dollars?" [to the Baron's guards]

• [after winning the race] I am king! I am the king....no I'm not! I didn't beat him! He let me win! I can't win this way! I can only win one way - my way! He let me win! I can't win your way! You cheated, you cheated, you cheated, you cheated! You cheated, cheated, I hate you! I refuse to accept! I won't win any way but my way! You'll ruin my reputation, do you hear! *You* I hate! You with your hair that's always combed and your suit that's always white and your car that's always clean! I refuse to accept! I challenge you to another race!

Prince Hapnik

• [after getting a pie in the face] Ulp? Brandy? Hah-hah, throw more brandy! Throw brandy! More Brandy!

• [gets a second pie in the face] Rum! I never mix my pies. I want to play, too.

• You! You're the cause of it all! It was your idea! You're banished! I'm getting a new tucker-inner! Banished, banished, banished!" [to General Kuhster]

• Goodbye! Farewell, you good Leslie you! I hope you win! I hope you win! [laughs] I miss him ..."

The Great Leslie

• [to Maggie DuBois] You talk a good fight, but when it comes down to it, you're as emancipated as a confirmed spinster in a knitting bee.

• [to Maggie DuBois, who is sitting on a desolate rock] I'm offering you a lift. Or would you prefer an engraved invitation?

Others

Lily Olay: I ain't no native, I was born here!

Texas Jack: NOW can I have me some fightin' room?! [several times during a saloon fight]

Baron von Stuppe As a very wise English gentleman once said, 'He who fights and runs away may live to fight another day'. So, until another day, Mr. Leslie, please excuse me, I have a boat waiting!

Dialogue

The Great Leslie: It's been my experience, General, that there is little advantage to winning if one wins too easily.

General Kuhster: In my profession, to win is imperative; to win easily is a blessing.

Professor Fate: Rise and shine?

Max: It's 7:30.

Professor Fate: Then You rise, you shine!

Professor Fate: My apologies, there's a polar bear in our car.

The Great Leslie: If you don't leave this car immediately, I shall personally feed you to the bear.

Professor Fate: Genius, Max, positive genius! What's next?

Max: Car number 5, the engine falls out!

Professor Fate: Car number 5, hah hah hah hah! Uh Max . . . we're number 5.

Max: Professor, Where are you?

Professor Fate: Behind the rock!

Max: Behind which rock? [falls over the professor]

Professor Fate: This rock you idiot!

The Great Leslie: I once went on an anthropological expedition, to study the Kwakiutl Indians. In winter, one Kwakiutl in a blanket froze. But two Kwakiutls, in the same blanket ...

Maggie DuBois: Yeeeesss?

The Great Leslie: Were warmer.

Max: What, we gotta do somethin'.

Professor Fate: Oh, don't worry. Before this iceberg melts and we drown like rats, we're going to do plenty, ha!

Max: Yeah? What?

Professor Fate: We're gonna starve!

The Great Leslie: [measuring the iceberg] Thirty seven inches to go.

Professor Fate: Oh, 37 inches to go. Huzzah! At the rate we've been melting, that's good for about one more week!

The Great Leslie: You'd better keep it to yourself.

Professor Fate: Oh, of course I'll keep it to myself. Until the water reaches my lower lip, and then I'm gonna mention it to SOMEBODY!

Professor Fate: Escaped?

General Kushter: With a small friar.

Professor Fate: Leslie escaped with a chicken?

Cast

• Jack Lemmon — Professor Fate/Crown Prince Frederick Hapnick
• Tony Curtis — Leslie 'The Great Leslie' Gallant III
• Natalie Wood — Maggie DuBois
• Peter Falk — Maximillian 'Max' Meen
• Dorothy Provine - Lilly Olay
• Larry Storch - Texas Jack
• Ross Martin - Baron Von Stuppe
• George Macready - General Kuhster