Jessica Spencer

• Look at these earrings! I'll be the envy of every girl at prom. Not like that was in jeopardy or anything.
• You're the only boy that can make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.

Jessica/Clive

• (crying)Somebody shit in the locker.
• (after kissing April) I am so lesbian right now.
• (to Jake while calling for April) Too late dude, she's with me right now. She says that my peepee's way bigger than yours. And that's if I fold it in half
• (after Jake insults April)You asshole!(Jake and Billy give him a weird look) Whoever left these towels here is an asshole.
• This is by far, the worst day of my life.
• I have to get to the little girls room before I soak my panties!
• And for me, a screaming orgasm on the beach with extra sugar around the rim, YUM! (the bartender gives him an odd look) Better make that last one a Brewsky... Double Brewsky.
• Ooooh check out the sweet buns on that guy! I'd like to get my hands on those...(trails off as he notices the macho bartender glaring at him, and then continues)...and wish they were womens' breasts. I'd squeeze the hell out of 'em. Maybe put a steak on 'em. Cause I'm a GUY. And that's what GUYS like me LIKE TO DO!
• You think you're so cool 'cause you can pee with your penis. Get a new conditioner, your ends are totally split!

Clive/Jessica

• (walking into the bathroom after turning into Jessica) WHERE'S MY...?
• (after stealing a box of tampons) I gotta do WHAT??
• I'll make you a deal. You just let me make another 500 bucks tonight, ok, then I'll give you your body back because it's soooo important to you. (mockingly) Waa, waa, I'm crying about my body! And then you can loan it to me every other weekend so I can pay off some gambling debts.

Others

Mambuza Bongo Player: (recurring line) And look, you can put your weed in it!

Lulu: Minimum wage for a maximum loser!

Bathroom Attendant: And if you shake it more than once, you're playing with it.

Keesha's Mom: You're not ashamed of me. You're really ashamed of yourself. Tell Lulu, easy on the chronic.

Dialogue

Teacher: Now, I'm returnig your papers on the Salem Witch Trials. I'm sad to report that Eden here got the only "A".

Jessica: That's not fair. She's the only one who was actually there.

Eden: Hexum maleficium spiritum sanctum nostradamus!

Bianca: Hi Jessica, you look great. Are you doing anything different or just hanging out with skankier friends?

Jessica: You look good too Bianca. Are you eating less or just barfing more?

Monique: Barfing more.

Jessica/Clive: April, do you rememeber in second grade when you moved here from Arkansas? And everyone made fun of you and threw rocks at you 'cuz your two front teeth were brown? I was your only friend. I gave you that locket round your neck, when your grandmother was sick. You said, you said...

April: ...we'd be bestest friends forever.

Jessica/Clive: (crying into the phone) I should have made love to you when I had the chance.

Billy: Father Mulcahy?

April: Uh, Jessica has a...problem.

Keesha: She's only going to make us wait an hour this time?

Lulu: What about the class trip to Six Flags? She took so long in the bathroom we missed the bus.

Keesha: Our parents had to drive three hours to pick us up.

Jessica/Clive: I had my period, OK!

Jessica/Clive: Hildenburg, I'm sorry I humiliated you in front of the whole school and the visiting eight graders, but you have no idea what it's like, to wake up every morning ... and have to shave your chin.

Hildenburg: (crying) Yes, I do.

Extra

Jessica and April: Boys are cheats and liars, they're such a big disgrace. They will tell you anything to get to second... BASE-ball, baseball, he thinks he's gonna score. If you let him go all the way, then you are a... HOR-ticulturists study flowers, geologists study rocks, the only thing guys want from you is a place to put their...COCK-roaches, beetles, butterflies & bugs, nothing makes 'em happier than a giant pair of...JUG-glers and acrobats, a dancing bear named Chuck. All guys really want to do is...FORGET IT, NO SUCH LUCK!!!"

Cast

• Rob Schneider - Clive Maxtone/Jessica Spencer
• Rachel McAdams - Jessica Spencer/Clive Maxtone
• Anna Faris - April
• Matthew Lawrence - Billy
• Eric Christian Olsen - Jake
• Michael O'Keefe - Richie Spencer
• Melora Hardin - Carol Spencer
• Alexandra Holden - Lulu
• Maria-Elena Laas - Bianca
• Maritza Murray - Keesha "Ling-Ling" Jackson
• Jodi Long - Keesha's Mom
• Matt Weinberg - Booger Spencer
• Angie Stone - Madame Mambuza
• Sam Doumit - Eden
• Megan Kuhlmann - Hildenburg
• Ashlee Simpson - Monique
• Adam Sandler - Mambuza Bongo Player