Part I: The Miracle of Birth

Obstetrician 1: Get the EG, the BP monitor, and the AVV.

Obstetrician 2: And get the machine that goes "PING!"

Obstetrician 1: And get the most expensive machine in case the Administrator comes.

Patient: What do I do?

Obstetrician: Nothing, dear you're not qualified.

[After the doctors quickly drop the baby into an incubator, the mother looks up.]

Patient: Is it a boy or a girl?

Obstetrician: Now, I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't you?

The Miracle of Birth, Part 2: The Third World

Mr Blackitt: When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in 1517, he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing, but… 400 years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas.

Part III: Fighting Each Other

General: Well, of course, warfare isn't all fun. Right — stop that! It's all very well to laugh at the military, but when one considers the meaning of life, it is a struggle between alternative viewpoints of life itself. And without the ability to defend one's own viewpoint against other perhaps more aggressive ideologies, then reasonableness and moderation could, quite simply, disappear! That is why we'll always need an army, and may God strike me down were it to be otherwise.

[A lightning bolt destroys the general. Cut to outside, where the Hand of God rises into the clouds. A sergeant major stands before his troops.]

Sergeant Major: DON'T STAND THERE GAWPING LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE HAND O' GOD BEFORE!

[During the 1st Zulu War (1879) in Glasgow Natal]

Ainsworth: Hello, Doctor, during the night, Ol' Perkins here got his leg bitten sort of ... off.

Dr. Livingstone: Oh, really? Well, let's take a look at this one leg of yours. [prods with the tip of his pipe] Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about.

Perkins: Oh, good.

Dr. Livingstone: Eh, there's a lot of it about — probably a virus. Keep warm, plenty of rest, and if you're playing any football try and favor the other leg.

Part VI: The Autumn Years

Maître-D': Uh, today we ’ave for appetizers — excuse me. Uh, moules marinières, pâté de foie gras, Beluga caviar, eggs Benedictine, tart de poireau — that’s leek tart — frogs’ legs amandine, or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd — c’est-à-dire, little quails’ eggs on a bed of puréed mushroom; it’s very delicate, very subtle.

Mr Creosote: I’ll have the lot.

Maître-D': [Pause] A wise choice, monsieur! And now, ’ow would you like it served? All, uh, mixed up togezher in a bucket?

Mr Creosote: Yeah... with the eggs on top.

Part VII: Death

[Geoffrey is confronted by a hooded figure with a scythe.]

Geoffrey: Yes? [Pause.] Is it about the hedge?

The End of the Film

Lady Presenter: Well, that's the end of the film. Now, here's the meaning of life.

[She is handed a gold-wrapped booklet.]

Lady Presenter: Thank you, Brigitte.

[She clears her throat, then unwraps and examines the gilt booklet.]

Lady Presenter: Well, it's nothing very special. Uh, try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations.

Major cast

• Graham Chapman — Obstetrician, Mr Blackitt, General, Dr. Livingstone, Labcoat #2 (Eric), Chairman, Geoffrey
• John Cleese — Humphrey Williams, Ainsworth, Labcoat #1, Mâitre-D, Grim Reaper
• Terry Gilliam — Mr Brown, Howard Katzenberg
• Eric Idle — Mrs Blackitt, Perkins, Man in Pink, Gaston, Angela
• Terry Jones — Board Member, Mrs Brown, Mr Creosote, Maria
• Michael Palin — Catholic Dad, Chaplain, Sergeant Major, Pakenham-Walsh, Harry, Padre, Lady Presenter

See also

• Monty Python's Flying Circus
• Monty Python and the Holy Grail
• Life of Brian