Sam

• Wade: "Hey, man. You shouldn't yell so loud. People are sleepin' and stuff."
  Sam: "What? what you doing in my bed? Who are you?"
  Wade: "That's a good question, man. Who are we? That's something we all have to answer."
  Sam: "Wait a minute; this isn't my apartment! How did I get here?"
  Wade: "Don't know. Not my house, man. Must have been a great party though, right?"
  Sam: "You wake up in a strange bed with a strange man and your first guess is party?"
  Wade: "Strange people in a strange bed. Sounds like a party to me, man."
  Sam: "Well, I gotta get out of here. So good luck."
  Wade: "Cool. What's your name, dude?"
  Sam: "Huh . . . oh it's, uh... I don't know!"
• Sam: "Okay, I think I solved one mystery."
  Wade: "Cool."
  Sam: My name is Sam."
  Wade: "Awesome! How do you know?"
  Sam: "Well, apparently, I'm the type of person who likes to write his own name in his underwear.
• Sam: "Wait! Shouldn't we stick together?"
  Doctor Chalmers: "Why? You people don't know a thing!"
  Sam: "You don't know anything either!"
  Doctor Chalmers: "Yeah, but I'm stuck with me, aren't I?"
• Doctor Chalmers: "Oh, it's you again."
  Sam: "What do you mean 'me again?' What are you doing back here?"
  Dr. Chalmers: "Don't quibble with me, huh. I have a note, huh. Really, huh."
  Griggs: "Hmm."
  Sam: "What the . . . ?"
  Tovar and Nikki:
  Sam: "Who are all these people?"
  Doctor Chalmers: "They have notes too."
  Sam: "Hey, can anyone tell me what the heck is going on here?"
  Doctor Chalmers: "Hey, watch your language! Let's not get ridiculous."
  Nikki: "We all got these notes telling us to come here."
  Sam: "Notes? From who?"
  Doctor Chalmers: "From whom. I told you, watch your language."
• Sam: "Wait, is this Wade? Why are you calling me on the phone? We're in the same house!"
• Wade: "I sure do miss Nikki, man. She was like the only one who was nice to me."
  Sam: "I'm nice to you. . .idiot."
• Sam: "Hey, quit making these wavy lines!"
  Wade: "Don't fight it, man."
• Sam as Simon Cowell: "Look. If I’m being honest, and I’m not trying to be mean here, that was like getting shot in the face with a bazooka, only the bazooka was loaded with the worst vocal performance ever. And the face was not my whole face, but just my ears. Also, I hate you and I want your whole family to die and anyone who disagrees with me is stupid. And you have no talent."

Wade

• "Wade: "I seem to remember someone calling me . . . Durrnt."
  Sam: "Your name tag says 'My name is Wade.'"
  Wade: "That's a name brand, dude. My name is definitely Durrnt."
  Sam: "Durnt?"
  Wade: "Durrnt."
  Sam: "Durnt?"
  Wade: "No. . . . It's got more syllables, man. Du-r-r-rnt."
  Sam: "Durnt?"
  Wade: "You're not saying it right, man."
  Sam: "Durnt!"
  Wade: "Durrnt!"
• Sam: "Well, Wade, I guess we're back to square one, for now."
  Wade: "Let's bake something! [Doorbell rings] Cool! I had it right, man!"
  Sam: "I think that was the doorbell, Wade. And who could this be?"
  Wade: "Even the doorbell knows how smart I am. Cool house, man."
• Wade: "Oh man, I hope that wasn't me that just died!"
• Wade: "Superman and . . . Bizzaro Superman!"
  Sam: "That's just wrong."
• Sam: "Wade, only one person is supposed to close his eyes in Marco Polo."
  Wade: "Dude! No wonder that game was so hard!"
• Wade: "I sang my heart out. I still cannot believe I lost to . . . the fat guy."
  Sam: "That never happened! And I don't have an Indian accent!"
  Doctor Chalmers: "What up, dawg?"
• Wade: "Oh my god, I can't believe Dutch is really Catherine's Stepmother!"
  Griggs: "Bored again, This Show Blows."
  Wade: "You wanna finish our chess game?"
  Griggs: We can't, you ate half the pieces"
  Wade: "I was so sure they had chocolate inside, man."
• Wade: "Why would a sidekick have his own opening credits montage?"
• Wade: "On the fifteenth day of Chrismanukah, my true love gave to me..."
  Doctor Chalmers: "A stocking filled with dreidels..."
  Dutchmiller: "And a reindeer with a yarmulka."
• Wade: I AM LIKE, TOTALLY RUNNING WITH SCISSORS MAN![Stabbing Sound]
  Sam: OWWWWWWW! Wade, that was my gall-bladder!
  Wade: My bad dude!
  Sam: And Those are my scissors!

Dr. Chalmers

• Doctor Chalmers: "I'm going crazy sitting here all day! Why am I here in the first place?"
• Doctor Chalmers: "Look at this! I'm way too intelligent for one of these contraptions. Little fool, cooking away."
• Doctor Chalmers: "And I know this is not mine. Why would a want a mechanized proxy jabbering at me? Who would I want to talk to, anyway?"
• Doctor Chalmers: "That's checkmate . . . on myself. I really need something to talk to."
• Doctor Chalmers: "Hmm. Maybe they know something."
• Doctor Chalmers: "Hello, young males. Are your parents at home?"
  Sam: "Parents? I'm 26."
  Doctor Chalmers: "May I remind you that people have parents regardless of their age? I myself have two."
  Wade: "Hey, me too, man."
  Sam: "Can we help you?"
  Doctor Chalmers: "I have a dilly of a pickle on my hands, I don't really know how to explain it."
  Sam: "Close guess: You don't know where you are or how you got here?"
  Doctor Chalmers: "Are you mocking me? I find that most offensive."
  Sam: "In fact, you can't even remember your own name."
  Doctor Chalmers: "That's exactly right."
  Wade: "Have you checked your underwear, dude?"
  Doctor Chalmers: "Excuse me, son? I don't engage in that kind of talk."
  Sam: "We don't know much either. In fact, we're just figuring out our names."
  Wade: "His name is Sam."
  Sam: "And this is Wade."
  Wade: "Durrnt, dude."
  Doctor Chalmers: "Your name is Durrntdude?"
  Wade: "No, Durrnt . . . , dude."
  Doctor Chalmers: "I need to speak to someone who can talk."
  Sam: ". . ."
  Doctor Chalmers: "You people are no help to me! Good day!"
• Doctor Chalmers: "I mean really!"
• Doctor Chalmers: "All this nonsense over a fish. . . . They don't even appreciate it!"
  Sam: "What do you want them to do; say thanks?"
  Doctor Chalmers: "They should be helping out. Contribute to the group!"
  Sam: "They're pets!"
  Doctor Chalmers: "Exactimundo. We shouldn't be pampering them. We need to assess their worth."
  Sam: "Fish."
  Doctor Chalmers: "We need to test their limits of physical capabilities."
  Sam: "I don't think Spike and Sheila have 'physical capabilities.'"
  Doctor Chalmers: "Spike and Sheila? Who?"
  Sam: "Our new fish."
• Doctor Chalmers: "How else are you going to indicate which one you want to eat?"
  Sam: "What?"
  Doctor Chalmers: "You can't just say 'I want to eat anonymous.' I mean really!"
• Doctor Chalmers: "I'll tell you what's right. When you combine Christmas and Hanukkah, you get twenty days of presents."
• Doctor Chalmers: "With that attitude, I wouldn't expect a visit from Moses Claus."
• Sam: "Don't you ever spend time at your house?"
  Doctor Chalmers: "I would, but someone has to clean up that pigsty. It's a mess."
  Sam: "Aren't you the only one who's ever been there?"
  Doctor Chalmers: "What is your point exactly?"
  Sam: "Look, I'm actually glad you're here. We need to talk."
  Doctor Chalmers: "I've already told you; this is my sweater vest."
  Sam: "No, it's not that."
  Doctor Chalmers: "And it was someone else who ate your delicious, homemade chocolate cake."
  Sam: "Someone ate my chocolate cake?"
  Doctor Chalmers: "Now, how would I know? . . . And don't ask me about the empty milk jar either."
• Wade: "Dude! Other dude! Outrageous news, man!"
  Doctor Chalmers: "Oh no. Did Tovar get his head stuck in the dryer again?"
  Wade: "No."
  Sam: "The vaccum?"
  Wade: "No."
  Doctor Chalmers: "The garbage disposal?"
  Wade: "No, the toaster oven. But also . . . , there's been a murder, man!"
  Sam and Doctor Chalmers: "What?!"
  Wade: "Thats right! Nikki's dead!"
  Sam: "No! Not Nikki!"
  Doctor Chalmers: "Which one was she? Was she the one with the tiara?"
  Wade: "No, the other one."
  Doctor Chalmers: "Oh dear. Poor little other one. Oh."
• Sam: "I can't believe it; she's really dead!
  Doctor Chalmers: I can't believe she's been living here all by herself. This place is huge! I've got dibs on her appliances!"
• Doctor Chalmers as Randy Jackson: "Look dawg, you know you're my dawg, right? I mean really, it totally canine! I was feelin' it, it was hot . . . , dawg. Mmm, I felt the hot dog, but yo dawg, not big on the song choice. A little pitchy. Little pitchy, a'ight?"
• Doctor Chalmers: "What up, dawg?"

Tovar

• Tovar, as his oven catches on fire behind him: "What did Yay forget besides name? Hmm . . . Yay! Is garbage day! No.
• Griggs: "What your challenge, Charlie?"
  Tovar: "Yay am being from other country."
  Griggs: "Yeah, probably some foreign country, like Maine."
  Tovar: "Also, I burn down house; and burn moustachio!
• Tovar: "Yay! That is why I'd be burning down my house!"
  Omnipotent voice: No, that was all you, moron.
• Tovar: "Starvation is like diet, with pain."
• Tovar: "Is insult to God, is insult to person, and is insult to fish!"
• Tovar: "Yay! Tovar is having a good time!"
• Tovar: "Why is Nikki? Why is her, and not someone Tovar does not like . . . such as Old Guy(Chalmers), or the nerd(Sam)?
• Tovar: "Poor Nikki. So sad to see her die in tornado."
  Sam: "There was no tornado."
  Tovar: "Plane crash."
  Sam: "No."
  Tovar: "Surface fire?"
  Sam: "NO!"
  Tovar: "Ah yes, Godzilla took her life."
  Wade: "Whyyyyy?"
  Tovar: "Fire breathing menace."
  Wade: "Whyyyyy?"
  Tovar: "He totalled the scene."
  Wade: "Why..."
  Tovar: "Curse you Godzilla! With your green spines, and firey breath, Tovar has bad breath too, but he takes mints now and then!"
• Tovar: Goodbye, Sam! Do not forget to be nerd!
• Tovar: Tovar is having best idea for costume yet! Mustachio! Also, are many choices - for instance: Cowboy moustachio, Fancy moustachio, Milk moustachio, or - like Tovar - Sexy moustachio! Is even looking good on the ladies!
• Tovar: "Hello, it was being very hot today."
  Sam: "...How hot was it?"
  Tovar: "Was so hot, Tovar is needing to remove coat. But no have coat! Is back hair!"
  Sam: "You suck!"
• Tovar: "Tovar is throwing up in hand."
• Tovar: "Yai, am hungry to eat own soul."
• Nikki: "You can dress as a witch really cheaply. Just wear all black and carry a broom."
  Tovar: "Yai, if wanting to look like goth maid. Could also listen to The Cure while scrubbing toilet."

Dutchmiller

• Dutchmiller: "Mailbox! Fantastic. Yeah, trash can."
• Dutchmiller: "Bedroom! . . . Bathroom! . . . There's the living room! . . . and the dining room!"
• Dutchmiller: "Hmm. I have no idea where I am."
• Dutchmiller: "It's sushi night, here at Dutchmiller's house of Tuna!"
• Dutchmiller: "I was just cutting up raw fish and thinking of you!"
• Dutchmiller as Ryan Seacrest: "Fantastic. So, what did you think of the judges pointless and innane comments?"
  Wade: "I think people should vote for me because..."
  Dutchmiller as Ryan Seacrest: "Fantastic, Dutchmiller out!"
• Catherine: "Dutch, I have some incredibly shocking news!"
  Dutchmiller: "Shocking? Oh my god, you're really a MAN. I knew it the whole time, your hands gave you away."
  Catherine: "What, no!"
  Dutchmiller: "Wait, My god I'm really a WOMAN. This explains everything."
  Catherine: "No, stop guessing. Dutch, I'm pregnant."
  Dutchmiller: "Fantasti...WHAAAT!"
  Catherine: "And you can't let anyone find out."
  Dutchmiller: "Of course not, now lets look at a clip."
  Catherine "WHAAAT!"

Catherine

• Catherine: "I don't know who you are, but you are so pretty. And it is such a pleasure to meet other good-looking people just like you."
• Catherine: "Nice suit. . . . Nice hair . . . I think I could make use of this one..."
  Nikki: "Did you say something?"
  Catherine: "No, of course not. Damn, my incredibly loud internal monologue!"
  Nikki: "What?"
• Catherine: "What the hell was that?"
  Nikki: "It was kind of hard to hear over your internal monologue."
  Catherine: "Nosy little twit!"
  Dutchmiller: "Whoa, catfight!"
  Tovar: "Ladies, let us settle this with the spinning bottle game."

Nikki

• Nikki: "Hello? Is anybody here? . . . What's going on here? Who am I, and why am I talking to myself?"
• Nikki: "If this is God, I don't think I believe in you. I'm apathetic."
  Sam: "Don't you mean agnostic?
  Nikki: "Whatever."
• Nikki: "This is my voiceover, I can say what I want!"
  Wade: "But didn't you, like, die and stuff in the last episode?"
  Nikki: "Just because I'm dead, doesn't mean I can't have a voiceover. It's called artistic license, you loser!"

Griggs

• Griggs: "Wait a second; this isn't my house. . . . Oh well."
• Griggs: "What are you laughing at him for? He's got his ridiculous haircut!"
  Omnipotent voice: "He's very popular."
  Griggs: "Shut up, voice! You're worse than that stupid audience!"
• Griggs: "Who does he think he is talking to? (looks at Imaginary Gnome) Youve got a point there, little short guy."
• Griggs: (Example A) "Gimme candy or I'll punch you." (Example B) "Trick or treat. Guess what the trick is: gimme candy, or I'll punch you!" (Example C) "I told you I want some candy, and now it's punchin' time!...CANDY!"
• Griggs: "You guys are a buncha halloweenies. Heh-heh, get it? Halloween plus weenie equals you. Huh huh, score that was awesome. Now everybody give me your candy or it's punchin' time! You first Grim Reaper! And no raisins. Or pennies. Unless they're those like, you know, chocolate covered pennies. 'Cause those would be awesome. Score. Some money and food all at once."

Omnipotent voice

• Omnipotent voice: "Some of our choices you will not understand; for instance, food and water are now forbidden!"
  Sam: "B-but water and food is what makes us go!"
  Voice: "Oh right. What I meant was, cookies and tang are forbidden.
  Wade: "Whuh?!? No cookies and tang?!? We'll be dead in three days!"
• Omnipotent voice: ". . . Some of them will be pleasurable."
  Wade: "Hey, someone put peanut butter in my pants!
  Omnipotent voice: "Some will not."
  Wade: ". . . Oh wait, they're just peanuts!"
• Sam: "But the all-powerful voice. . ."
  Omnipotent: "I prefer the term omnipotent. It's classier."
• Omnipotent voice: "When you hear the message, please leave a beep. Oops, I said that wrong, how do you restart this thing? Does the blinking light mean it's recording? I did press seven. Somebody help me out here... Oh son of a -beep-."

Sam

• Sam: "I hope you understand I'd like to work independently."
  Dutchmiller: "Of course, independently within the system."
• Sam: "Ohh... Son of a bi-"
  Dutchmiller: "Hey! (snaps fingers) Snappy title!"

Catherine

• Catherine: "I smell the People's Choice Awards! It smells like roses made of money."