The Tick Quotations

The Tick is a comedic superhero, created by Ben Edlund in 1986 who has been featured in comic books, animation, and live action television series. These quotes are from all three media.

The Tick

War Cry: Spoon!

A day job.. in an office?! MY WORST NIGHTMARE!!!
Ah ha-ha, chess. The ancient contest of wits. Two opponents: mano a mano. Braino a braino. And look: magnets for ease of travel. You could play chess on the moon.
Ah, savory cheese puffs, made inedible by time and fate.
And, isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? I mean all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but when you're good and crazy, oooh, oooh, oooh, the sky is the limit.
And so, Arthur, we learned that gambling is bad and yet in a certain sense, isn't life itself a gamble? You can never be sure of anything. Like who would have thought that dolphins could go bad and that fish were magnetic? Not me, no sir, not me.
And so, may Evil beware and may Good dress warmly and eat lots of fresh vegetables.
And that's just it, Doc, my mind has always been my Achilles' heel!
ARTHUR! Honk if you love JUSTICE!
Arthur, is this a warm moment or should we be disturbed?
ARTHUR! Monkey outta nowhere!
Arthur, you have no historical perspective. Science in those days worked in broad strokes. They got right to the point. Nowadays, it's all just molecule, molecule, molecule. Nothing ever happens big.
Blood covers The City like a big red afghan.
Bored... Bored. Bored. Bored. I've only been here for two months, and I'm already bored. No unnecessary sedation, no electro-shock therapy, not even any elevator music. This place has become confining somehow. I feel... restrained. And yet, I sense my destiny is at hand. Things are changing and a brilliant idea has come to me. I will leave this place.
But 'Helping-People' used to be my middle name.... The Helping-People Tick!
Can't lose my name, it's on all my stationery!
[After smashing a car in a parking lot]

Clark! Hi! I made you an ashtray!

[The car is revealed to be Clark's]

Deadly Bulb. I'm about to write you a reality check. Or would you prefer the cold, hard cash of truth?
You know, when a tomato grows out of your forehead, it gets you thinking. What do we know about anything? Life is just a big, wild, crazy tossed salad, but you don't eat it. No sir. You live it!
Destiny is a funny thing. Once I thought I was destined to become Emperor of Greenland, sole monarch over its 52,000 inhabitants. Then I thought I was destined to build a Polynesian longship in my garage. I was wrong then, but I've got it now. I'm the destined protector of this place. I'm this city's superhero.
Destiny's powerful hand has made the bed of my future, and it's up to me to lie in it. I am destined to be a superhero. To right wrongs, and to pound two-fisted justice into the hearts of evildoers everywhere. And you don't fight destiny. No sir. And, you don't eat crackers in the bed of your future, or you get all... scratchy.
Don't make us bite you in hard-to-reach places!
Egad! A gigantic well-dressed digestive enzyme! I am in a whale!
[After paying for a coffee, the machine refuses to give coffee] Empty your bladder of that bitter, black urine they call coffee! It has its price and that price has been paid! ...Java devil, you are now my bitch.
Everybody was a baby once, Arthur. Oh, sure, maybe not today, or even yesterday. But once. Babies, chum: tiny, dimpled, fleshy mirrors of our us-ness, that we parents hurl into the future, like leathery footballs of hope. And you've got to get a good spiral on that baby, or evil will make an interception.
Evildoers, you face The Tick!
Gravity is a harsh mistress.
Heh, heh. Those darn ninjas. They're wacky.
Hmm... I'm not too up on my whale anatomy, but I don't recall them having two metal rails in their stomachs. It's probably a blue whale.
How dare you! I know evil is bad, but come on! Eating kittens is just plain... plain wrong, and no one should do it! EVER!
I am MIGHTY! I have a glow you cannot see. I have a heart as big as the moon, as warm as bathwater. We're superheroes, man! We don't have time to be charming! The boots of evil were made for walking. We're watching the big picture, friend. We know the score. We are a public service, not glamour boys! Not captains of industry! Not makers of... things! Keep your vulgar monies. We are a justice sandwich, no toppings necessary! Living rooms of America, do you catch my drift? Do... you... dig?
I don't know the meaning of the word "surrender!" I mean, I know it, I'm not dumb... just not in this context!
I feel just like Uncle Wiggly!
I hate broccoli, and yet, in a certain sense, I am broccoli.
I'd just like to say... knock off all that evil!
I've been the janitor to the Apocalypse for six long months, Arthur... and it's a-comin' this way!
I'm going to throw a chimney at them...
I'm taking off the kid gloves, and putting on the very mad gloves.
It's starting to smell a little like danger in here, or heavily-fried food.
My God!! A gigantic well-dressed digestive enzyme! I am in a whale!
My God! I HAVE POCKETS!
Must... defy... laws of physics!
Mustache, I will NOT be mocked by you!
Ninjas aren't dangerous. They're more afraid of you than you are of them.
Ninjas can breathe underwater! They can dodge bullets at point blank range! They can walk up the sides of buildings! They can install telephones!
On your knees, Vodka zombie!
People say that I'm out of touch with reality. That I'm insane. Sometimes I forget things. Who I am. Where I am. Unimportant things. But I'm not insane. I am a tick.
Roof pig! Most unexpected.
Sanity, you're a madman!
Secret crime viewfinder engaged.
So, foul gelatin, you would do battle with the nose of your birth?!
Sun-worshipping dog-launchers, you face... The Tick!
This is what we call the dénouement. That's French for "when we beat up the supervillain."
To life, liberty, and the pursuit of heaviness.
Wait a minute! You guys are all ninjas!
We are not two men... we are TEN men!
Well folks, there you have it: a day in the life of a superhero and his sidekick. It's a very long day, the tights are uncomfortable... I think we covered that before. Map light: convenient and essential. A lot of working with villain motifs. Crime has a bossa-nova beat. Leap before you look. Remember, dénouement. Other French words: inconvenient, not-essential. Well, I could go on and on and on, but time's a-wasting, and evil's out there making handcrafted mischief for the swap meet of villainy. And you can't strike a good deal with evil, no matter how much you haggle. We don't need to look for a bargain. Goodness is cheap, because it's free, and free is as cheap as it gets. CUT!!
You can't possibly see through my disguise, Billy. This is a hypnotic tie.
You know Arthur, it's really been quite a day. From the outside, on the surface, oh sure, we were pursued by Swiss Industrial Spies, trapped in the belly of a whale. But what really pursued us. Where were we really trapped? COME ON ARTHUR! GET META WITH ME! What pursued us were our own obsessions I'm good. You're evil. I'm a superhero. You're a sidekick. I'm a woman. You're a man. What does it all mean? NOTHING! And where were we all trapped? I'll tell you where Arthur. In the belly of love! Love chum, LOVE!
You know, when a tomato grows out of your forehead, it gets you thinking. What do we know about anything? Life is just a big, wild, crazy tossed salad. But you don't eat it, no sir, you LIVE it. Isn't it great?! Isn't it GREAT?!
Well, once again my friend, we find that science is a two-headed beast. One head is nice, it gives us aspirin and other modern conveniences, but the other head of science is bad! Oh, beware the other head of science, Arthur -- it bites!
Why am I here? Why does my mind have wings? Why do blue midgets hit me with fish?!
Wow. Clark's fortress melts.
[To Arthur] You're on a first-name basis with Lucidity. I have to call him Mr. Lucidity, which is no good in a pinch.
Yes, evil comes in many forms, whether it be a man-eating cow or Joseph Stalin, but you can't let the package hide the pudding! Evil is just plain bad! You don't cotton to it. You gotta smack it in the nose with the rolled-up newspaper of goodness! Bad dog! Bad dog!
You know Arthur, there's nothing so cruel as a kindness falsely given.
You know gang, when you're a superhero, you never know where the day will take you. You may find yourself halfway around the world in the shark-infested waters of true-to-life living. Or you may find yourself going down to the store for a lozenge. You can't know, can you? No! You gotta ride that wave, you gotta suck that lozenge! Cause if you don't, who will?
You know, though today was the worst day of my life, I learned many things. First, the world looks a lot different when you're six inches tall and covered with feathers. Second, two heads are definitely not better than one. And finally, you can lay eggs and still feel like a man.
Brace yourself while corporate America tries to sell us it's wretched things.

[After surviving a crocodile pit by grabbing a ledge with his teeth]

You can thank my dental hygienist for our untimely aliveness!

[Falling from a building]

Aha! I'll bounce off that flagpole and flip to safety!

[Grabs flagpole and breaks it off wall]

Aha! I'll bounce off that broad, flat surface and be in a lot of pain!

[After placing an entire fortune cookie into his mouth]

A secret message... from my teeth!

"How ya doin'?" (To a mystic statue which he may ask any one question.)

[Tick wakes after Evil Arthur Clone tries to saw off one of his antennas]

I just had the strangest dream. I was taking some math test I hadn't studied for... and then you tried to saw off my head.

[Witnessing Multiple Santa's flood of jolly men]

It's a YULE TIDE!

[Holding a stethoscope up to his head]

Wow. I can hear my brain.

Unsettling trend.

[After having his head crushed for the second time in the space of an episode]

[After being knocked out of a plane, falling several hundred stories through a street, into a subway tunnel and being hit by a full speed train therein.]

Call me.... The Duchess...

Sarsaparilla and fresh horses for all my men!

[After being told he can't be a "real" tick because they have eight legs]

Oh yeah? How do you know I don't?

[After being asked if he is powerful enough to destroy the Earth]

Ye Gods! I hope not! That's where I keep all my STUFF!

You know, Arthur, when evil is afoot and you don't have any arms, you gotta use your head. When evil is ahead and you're behind, you've gotta do the legwork. But, when you can't get a leg up, you gotta be hip! You gotta keep your chin up, and kick some --

[Arthur] Tick, we get the idea.

Arthur

War Cry: Not in the face! Not in the face!

Weren't expecting a clip-on, were ya?!

[After an alligator jumps up from a pit and bites off his bowtie]

Chrome Dome

What good is science if no one gets hurt? [Addressing a Mad Scientist Convention]

WANNABES! All of you, spitpolishing your prosthetic limbs, und whitewashing your liverspots for this wretched back-patting, smarty-party! The true mad scientist does not make public appearances! He does not wear the ‘hello my name is” badge. He STRIKES from below like a viper! Or on high like a PENNY, dropped from the tallest building aroundt! He has only ze one purpose: do bad things, to good people, MIT SCIENCE!!!!

You're not mad scientists, you're a bunch of hippies! [The Tick vs. Science]

The Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight

And so he says, 'I don't like the cut of your jib.' And I go I says, IT'S THE ONLY JIB I GOT, BABY!

And so he says to me, 'You got legs, baby, you're everywhere. YOU'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE!'

AN OBJECT AT REST, CANNOT BE STOPPED!

EAT MY SMOKE, COPPER! Aaaaaa-hahahahaha!

Excuse me, excuse me...and then I says, tell me I'm wrong! and he says, 'I can't, baby, 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT!'

Hahahahaha! sixty seconds to midnight, sixty seconds to nowhere, baby!

He says to me, he says to me, 'Baby, I'm tired of workin' for the MAN!' I says, I says, WHY DON'T YOU BLOW HIM TO BITS?

He says to me, he says to me, 'You got STYLE, baby. But if you're going to be a real villain, you gotta get a gimmick.' And so I go I says YEAH, baby. A gimmick, that's it. High explosives. Aaaaaa-hahahahaha!

I-I-I just, uh, I just uh, wanted to use the uh, heh, ah-AND SO HE SAYS, EVIL'S OKAY IN MY BOOK, WHAT ABOUT YOURS? AND I GO YEAH BABY YEAH! YEAH! I... I... uh, just wanted to, uh, wash my hands.

Oh, heh-heh, that's just, I-BOOM, BABY, BOOM! I'm the Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight!

One of these days, milkshake! BOOM!

So he says to me, 'You gotta do something smart, baby. Something BIG! He says, 'You wanna be a super villain, right?' And I go yeah, baby, YEAH! YEAH! WHAT DO I GOTTA DO? He says, 'You got bombs, blow up the comet club, it's packed with super heroes, you'll go down in SUPER VILLAIN HISTORY!' And I go yeah, baby, 'cause I'm the Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight! Aaaaaa-hahahahaha!'

So he says to me, 'You wanna be a baaaaad guy?' And I say yeah, baby! I wanna be bad! I SAYS, SURF'S UP, SPACE PONIES! I'M MAKING GRAVY WITHOUT THE LUMPS! Aaaaaa-hahahahaha!

This could happen to you, baby. This could happen TO ANYBODY!

Yeah? Keep playing with fire, superpants! You don't know how much fire you're playing with! Aaaaaa-hahahahaha!

Yeah, baby! And you've only got twenty seconds before you all EAT CEILING!

You have all become victims of the Evil Midnight Bomber What Bombs... Hey! PAY ATTENTION!

You'll never prove a thing copper, I'm just a part time electrician. I... I... I... BAD IS GOOD, BABY! DOWN WITH GOVERNMENT!

Mr. Mental

You know what I miss? I miss the old days, when I'd think up a sinister scheme for world domination and you'd show a little emotional support.

Don't mess with me, fool! I'm cooking with gas!

Misc

Merry Christmas! ... Spoon! - Santa Claus, from "The Tick Loves Santa"

Sorry I haven't been around much lately. I'm easily disrtacted by shiny objects. - The Tick's Mind from "The Tick vs. The Proto Clown" (To which the Tick responded,"Yeah, shiny objects are nice"

Release the nice moth man Tongue Tongue; here is an individually wrapped slice of processed cheese. - Dr. Mung Mung from "The Tick vs. Science"

"IT'S GREAT TO BE ALIVE!!!" --Mr. Excitment's battlecry

"Where's the jerk who calls himself the TICK!?" --Barry Hubris, the "other" Tick

"You can't catch me, I'm filled with tinier men!" --The Living Doll (Grandpa Wore Tights)