October 28, 2005

• Go [BLEEP] yourselves! [to the people who had won the lottery in the past weekend]

October 11, 2006 [14.2]

Shaun Majumder: So are you concerned about these cuts to literacy programs?

Graham Wilson (Conservative strategist played by Mark Critch): Not at always. We analyzed the data and realizated that we issue the tackling of literalness through learning adults, and continuing edufication.

Shaun Majumder: I see, but is it really necessary to cut given the surplus?

Graham Wilson: Sure it's thinking to tempt "oh, we have a money of surplus here, let's not eliminize anything", but we want don't just surpluses, we want gooder programs delivered more better.

Shaun Majumder: Yes, but over nine million Canadians have trouble reading and writing.

Graham Wilson: I know, it's repressing, especially since many of them are childs. I believe me, we feel a great deal of symphony for these people. It may surmise you to know, I too had trouble learnifying to read.

Shaun Majumder: But doesn't cutting these programs have a broader economic impact with these people having trouble getting jobs?

Graham Wilson: Not really. Look at me. A few months ago, I could barely spill my own mane. Now I have a grape job at the Monastery of Finance.

Shaun Majumder: Well, thank you very much for your time.

Graham Wilson: My pressure.

March 10, 2006 [14.13]

[Segment entitled "Really Important Canadian History"]

Mark Critch: July 1, 1867: the date when Canada's provinces were first united by the British North America Act, so called because at the time Britain was a part of North America. It would remain so until the Halifax Explosion of 1958. It was our first president, Sir Ronald A. McDonald, who realized that if united, the provinces would be much stronger. So he took his idea to King Elizabeth, and faster than you could say "boo" Nova Scotia; New Brunswick; that island; Quebec; Ontario, which at the time was called Manitoba; and Manitoba, at the time called Ontario, were joined together. A Capital was picked: Toronto. And a name for the new nation was chosen: Canada, a native Incan word meaning "greater Toronto".

February 28, 2008 [15.15]

"Danny Williams": Pakistan and Newfoundland have a lot in common: we're both economically challenged, we man a lot of call centres, our people feature heavily in jokes about people walking into bars.

"Pervez Musharaf": Hello New-found-land. You know, I admire your premier very much. I love people who make me seem not insane.

February 24, 2009 [16.15]

Spokesperson: We here at the national Do Not Call Registry would like to sincerely apologize. The registry fell into the wrong hands; many of you who signed up say you're now receiving more telemarketing calls than ever before. We hear you when you say you feel royally screwed, that's why we're launching the national Do Not Royally Screw Registry. Here's how it works: once you've signed up you'll be paired with one of our nation's many lonely seniors. The next time you get a telemarketing call - [voiceover continues while showing a man picking up a phone]

Man: Hello?

Spokesperson: ...Simply press #65 [the man does so], and the call will be forwarded to them.

Elderly woman: [Answers her phone] Hello? I can't find my good scissors and that home-care worker is stealing my shoes!

Spokesperson: She gets someone to talk to. You get peace of mind. And the telemarketer gets an ear-full of this:

Elderly woman: Do you remember Mrs. Cherninky? Lived on Eugeny Street. Well, she borrowed a dress from me in 1974 and I have not seen it since!

March 10, 2009 [16.17]

"George Bush": It's good to be in Canada; best country north of North America. I am inspired by you snow-Mexicans. Take your old president, Gene Curtains [Jean Chrétien]; I mean, I had to torture people in secret prisons, he strangles people right out in the open, man, that takes balls!

Gavin Crawford: Last Sunday was International Women's Day, the global day connecting women around the world and inspiring them to achieve their full potential. To celebrate the event, Prime Minister Stephen Harper cancelled it.

March 17, 2009 [16.18]

Mark Critch: The National Museum of American History announced this week that they discovered a secret message inside one of President Lincoln's watches, which they claim was not even seen by the president. Insiders say it's too bad, because the message said, "DUCK!".

March 24, 2009 [16.19]

Gavin Crawford: As the Obama administration pushes through its 800 billion dollar deficit-spending economic stimulus plan, the American public is largely unaware that the true deficit of the American government is actually 65 trillion in total obligations, exceeding the Gross Domestic Product of... the world.

"Rex Murphy": Last week Canada's science minister refused to say if he believed in evolution, because a question about his religious beliefs was inappropriate. So it is then the utmost delicacy that I say to Minister Goodyear, "grow up, boy!". And by the way, I think you can safely cancel the feasibility studies into the cost of a fence around the earth so nobody falls off.

Episode unidentified

• Jerry Boyle: If you can mark an 'X', you are my kind of people!
• Rick Mercer: At this time, we need to look to Canada's poets for inspiration. And when we think Canada, when we think poets, we all think... Trooper! [followed by footage of Canadian politicians singing along to "Raise A Little Hell"]
• Announcer: [after opening] Warning! To France! If you don't go to war now, you won't be able to surrender later.
• Announcer': [after opening] Warning! To Nazi war criminals in Canada! Your decades are numbered.
• Announcer': [after opening] Warning! To the students of Cole Harbour High, these are the best days of your lives.
• Rick Mercer: We demand that the Government of Canada force Stockwell Day to change his first name to Doris. "Why do this", you may ask? Because it'll be fun.
• Mary Walsh: [on the territorial government's refusal to legalize same-sex unions] This news has sent shockwaves through the gay community of the Northwest Territories. We go to him now.
• Rick Mercer: Jackie Biskupski is running for a seat in the Utah Legislature, and she's attracting a lot of attention because she's a lesbian. Her Republican opponent, Dan Alderson, is a staunch Mormon, and is running a negative ad campaign calling her lifestyle abnormal and deviant. His six wives agree.
• Rick Mercer: The US is our ally, our trading partner, our neighbour, and our friend, and sometimes we'd like to give them such a smack.
• Rick Mercer: [on the US and Canada] We're bigger, and we're on top. If this was prison, they would be our bitch.
• Mark Critch: Warning: To Stephen Harper! You realize you'll have to sit next to Elsie Wayne, right?
• Marg Delahunty: They're out there now, busy bombing for peace. Next I suppose they'll be screwing to get their virginity back.
• Rick Mercer: If the United States were a 35-year-old man, I think he'd be in a mental institution. Violent tendencies... delusions of grandeur... medicate heavily.
• Rick Mercer: Here's to democracy. May we get the government we deserve.
• Gavin Crawford: Go recuse yourself you mother recuser!
• Don't pay any attention to that. This Hour Has 22 Minutes is an accurate portrayal of the week's events. It is the real news. [Opening of the second episode to bear the warning, 1994.]
• Mark Critch [as Danny Williams]: I have requested that seals be renamed cheezies, so that people don't feel bad eating them.

Repeated lines

• [at end of show] Well, that's the way we saw the world this week.
• This Hour Has 22 Minutes is a satirical examination of daily events. Some viewers may not share this sense of humour. [Opening of every episode of the series except Seasons 1 & 12 and onward]
• Babe Bennett: I'm just goofin' around, that's all!

Cast

• Cathy Jones (1993 - present)
• Shaun Majumder (2003 - present)
• Mark Critch (2005 - present)
• Gavin Crawford (2004 - present)
• Greg Thomey (1993 - 2005)
• Mary Walsh (1993 - 2004)
• Colin Mochrie (2001 - 2003)
• Rick Mercer (1993 - 2001)
• Geri Hall (2008 - Present)