Tommy Boy Quotations

Tommy Boy is a 1995 film about an incompetent, immature, and dimwitted heir to an auto parts factory who must save the business to keep it afloat.

Directed by Peter Segal. Written by Bonnie Turner and Terry Turner.

If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards.

Tommy Callahan

Son of a...! That's gonna leave a mark.

Some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn't the end. No way. We're gonna show this world a thing or two. We're going to show... [passes out]

Sorry, pardon me. Can I just check this out? D-plus? Oh, my god. I passed! I passed! Oh, man! I got a D-Plus! I'm going to graduate! I wish we'd known each other. This is a little awkward.

Holy shnikes!

Brothers don't shake hands, brothers gotta hug!

What'd ya DO!?

[Singing, in an attempt to cheer up Richard] Fat guy in a little coat! Fat guy in a little coat!

[During first day in his Father's brake pad division] I was just checking the specs on the endline for the...rotary...girder... I'm retarded.

Were you watching Spanktravision? Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian. Oh, what's his name? Buddy...Whack-it?

What my associate is trying to say is that, uh, our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even going to believe it. Like, um, let's say you're driving along the road with your family. And you're driving along la li la. And then, all of the sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. Err! Whoa, that was close. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the 'other guy's' brake pads. You're driving along. You're driving along and all of the sudden the kids are yelling from the backseat, 'I got to go to the bathroom, daddy!', 'Not now, damn it!', truck tire, eeeee, 'I can't stop!'. Help! There's a cliff! Aah! And your family's screaming 'Oh my god, we're burning alive!' 'No! I can't feel my legs!'. In comes the meat wagon. And the medic gets out and says, 'Oh, my god.'. New guy's in the corner puking his guts out. All because... you want to save a couple of extra pennies. To me it doesn't...

[During the pretend "bee" attack] Bees! Bees! Bees in the car! Bees everywhere! God, they're huge! They're ripping my flesh off! Run away, your firearms are useless against them!

If I wanted a kiss, I would've called you mother.

Not here, or here so much... but right 'here'.

Richard, who's your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa, or is it Spanky? Sinner...

Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died. We just killed Bambi. I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel INTO A GODDAMNED BRIDGE ABUTMENT.

You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, cuz i'll come over there and jam an oar up your ass!

R.T. I lost my virginity to your daughter for crying out loud..........Rob, you were there.

Fat guy in a little coat...

Richard Hayden

[After watching Tommy wolf down fries and squirt ketchup into his mouth] Ugh! I could actually hear you getting fatter .

It's called reading, you know, top to bottom, left to right. A group of words together is called a sentence. Take Tylenol for any headaches, Midol for any cramps.

It's the next town, tons-of-fun. It's got to be there. Okay, where's Moron? Okay, Moron's here, so McKeesport...

Okay, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy. He'll be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he's never been laid. Exits, okay, there's one back here, and there's uh, probably one over by the wing somewhere, usually. And what about seatbelts? To fasten, take the little end stick it in the big end and... hey, know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seat belt, just ring your call button, and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard. Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain.

He's a big, dumb animal, isn't he folks?

Ugh, why do you always have to de-turd these things? Look at this one, caught him after Thanksgiving feast, I think I'm gonna need a pooperscooper.

Ugh, I just barfed on an anthill. Cool. Ugh, I think they're pissed.

Yikes.

Others

Big Tom Callahan: Of course, I can get a hell of a good look at a T-Bone steak by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it.

Quit playing with your dinghy.

Michelle Brock: Listen up, you little spazoids! I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you!

Kids:
Hey you aint moving!

No you need to drop a couple hundred pounds Blimp!

Hey Gilligan, did you eat the skipper?!

Hey lady, there's a fat whale on your boat! ya, free willy

Your sail is limp, like your dick!

Dialogue

Young Richard: Late again, Tommy. You're pathetic.

Young Tommy: Shut up, Richard!

[Tommy gets off the airplane]

Tommy: Richard Hayden!

Richard: Tommy.

Tommy: Where's my Dad? I thought he was supposed to pick me up at the airport?

Richard: He was at the airport this morning, but you weren't on the plane.

Tommy: He said he had a surprise for me.

Richard: Maybe. I guess that's why you should've called.

Tommy: I did call...earlier...or, later.

Richard: Really? What number did you call?

Tommy: Two...four...niner...five, six seven...

Richard: I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I hear a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?

Tommy: No, it was cordless.

Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated.

Richard: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.

Tommy: Hey, you know a lot of people who go to college for seven years.

Richard: I know. They're called doctors.

[Tommy looks confused]

[They see a duct taped garbage bag come out with the luggage]

Richard: Ah, that has to be you.

[Tommy spills M&M's all over the dashboard]

Richard: Oh, that sounds good. Melted chocolate inside the dash, that really ups the resale value.

Tommy: I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. Surprised you didn't know that.

Richard: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.

Tommy: Your... Your brain has the... shell on it.

Richard: Are you talking?

Tommy: Shut up, Richard.

Tommy: Look at 'em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh?... Alright.

Paul: Does it make a difference?

Tommy: Oh yeah! Wait a second, is this your first time?

Paul: Yeah Tommy, it is.

Tommy: God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before! Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.

Paul: And?

Tommy: They fall over.

Paul: And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?

Tommy: We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas!

Tommy: Man, did I get douched with mud!

Paul: Hey, chucko, that doesn't smell like mud. [he begins to spray Tommy with a hose]

Tommy: Oh, man, that's cold! [singing] I'm a maniac, maniac on the floor! And I'm dancin' like I've never danced before!

Paul: Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?

Tommy: [laughs] Why?

Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat?

Richard: No, your face does.

Richard: All right, now it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no--

Tommy: No shit from anyone!

Richard: No.

Tommy: Um, we don't take no prisoners!

Richard: We don't take no for answer.

Tommy: Oh yeah.

Gas Station Employee: I'm picking up your sarcasm.

Richard: Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.

Tommy: Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?

Mr. Brady: [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.

Tommy: No, what I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.

Richard: Wow...

Mr. Brady: Boy, I'm at a loss for words here -

Tommy: Forget it, I quit, I can't do this any more, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a goddamned bridge abutment!

Richard: We'll keep in touch.

Richard: Hey, I was just thinking. When we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.

Tommy: Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.

Richard: True. But you can't latch the hood too well, if you don't take the can out, you no-selling waste of space, I swear to God, you're worthless!

Tommy: I'm sorry about your car, but don't call me worthless. I'm trying my best. I'm not my dad.

Richard: That's right, you're not your dad! He can sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves.

Tommy: Ketchup popsicle?

Richard: Yeah, I learned everything I know from him. I didn't have a father, but he looked out for me. But you, he was your dad and you just took it for granted. "Hey, look, I'm Big Tom's son. He can fix anything, so I'm allowed to be a moron!"

Tommy: Hey, what's your name?

Helen: Helen.

Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet. Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stroke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet, you're naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go [makes ripping noises as he tears apart the dinner roll] OOOOOOHHH! I killed it! I killed my sale! And that's when I blow it. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?

Helen: God, you're sick. Tell ya what, I'll go turn the fryers back on and throw on some wings for you.

Tommy: Chicken wings! Let's think about this for a sec, Ted, why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.

Ted Nelson: Go on, I'm listening.

Tommy: Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to fell all warm and toasty inside.

Ted Nelson: Yeah, makes a man feel good.

Tommy: 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?

Ted Nelson: What's your point?

Tommy: The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Build model airplanes!" says the little fairy, well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off your dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I've seen it a hundred times.

Ted Nelson: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?

Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I've got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.

Ted Nelson: Okay, I'll buy from you.

Tommy: Well, that's... What?

[Richard knocks on the door, impersonating the maid, while Tommy tries to sleep.]

Richard: Housekeeping?

Tommy: No thank you. Sleeping.

Richard: Housekeeping?

Tommy: Come back in an hour.

Richard: Housekeeping, you want towel?

Tommy: No towels. Need sleepy.

Richard: Housekeeping, you want mint for pillow?

Tommy: Please go away let me sleep FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Richard: Housekeeping, you want me jerk you off?

[Tommy gets out of bed and opens the door.]

Tommy: What kinda hotel is this?... Oh, it's you.

Richard: Good morning, sunshine. Yikes.

Reservationist: Oh, I can reserve you a flight coming back from Chicago at 5:55. Does that help?

Richard: Hi, I'm Earth. Have we met?

Reservationist: I don't think so.

Tommy: Heh it's a clip-on.

Richard: Eh heh are you sure?

Cast

Chris Farley - Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III
David Spade - Richard Hayden
Brian Dennehy - Thomas 'Big Tom' Callahan
Bo Derek - Beverly Barish, aka Beverly Burns
Rob Lowe - Paul Barish
Dan Aykroyd - Ray Zalinsky
Julie Warner - Michelle Brock
Sean McCann - Frank Rittenhauer
Zach Grenier - Ted Reilly