Issue #2

Nick Fury: Lasers, powered flight, phenomenal shielding, and sensors that could find a Democrat in Texas. You put all this effort into coming up with this stuff, and now you're going to hand it over to my tech guys? I mean, why?

Tony Stark: I know what that stuff can do, Fury, and... I don't know... I just felt like giving something back, doing some good, you know?

Nick Fury: More than you may ever know, Monopoly Man.

Issue #3

Nick Fury: Vodka and Orange? It's ten in the morning Tony.

Tony Stark: (cheerfully)Not in Moscow, old boy. Cheers!

Issue #10

Captain America: Surrender? SURRENDER??!! You think this letter on my head stands for France?

Issue #12

Alien Underling: Sir, our ground forces are reporting heavy losses!

Alien Overlord: Impossible! The only force capable of that was the Ultimates, and we destroyed them in the atomic blast! They're dead!

(awkward silence)

Alien Overlord: It would have taken a force-field to shield them from the blast!

Alien Underling: Sir... did Iron Man's armor have a force-field?

(cut to the Ultimates, standing on the outskirts of Phoenix, Arizona, surrounded by unconscious aliens)

Issue #2

Black Widow: Damn you Jarvis, get me a drink.

Jarvis: I'm... rather busy playing strip monopoly right now, ma'am, so you'll understand if I tell you to get your own damn drink.

Black Widow: Why do Tony and I continue employing you?

Jarvis: Because I've still got the negatives, Madame Romanova. And shouldn't you be down there with Master Tony? You are a super-soldier.

Black Widow: I'm a former Soviet super-spy, you moron. What would I do to a stricken submarine, take pictures of it?

Jarvis: I don't know what Master Tony sees in you.

Black Widow: Well, you'd better get used to me, old man, because I'm not going anywhere while I'm giving Tony the one thing you can't serve him.

Jarvis: What's that, dear? Hungarian goulash?

Issue #6

Quicksilver: Wanda, were you just flirting with that machine?

Valkyrie: Hank, I was wondering if you'd... oh, it's silly...

Giant-Man: No, no, c'mon. I'm a big boy, and considering the day I've had, how bad can it be?

Valkyrie: Well, tonight... would you dress up as Captain America for me?

(Cut to Giant-Man, sitting on the end of a bed, in someone else's apartment)

Giant-Man: ...and that's why today was the worst day of my life.

Issue #7

(A cleaver flies into the head of one of the home invaders. Hawkeye is seen on the ground holding various other utencils.)

Hawkeye: Shouldn't have dropped me in the freakin' kitchen.

Issue #9

Thor: The lightning. Oh my God. Oh, heavenly Father. Don't you see what's happened while your gaze was elsewhere? Someone's stolen the lightning.

The Colonel: The Great Satan has just been liberated.

Issue #10

Soldier: Open fire! He even touches those guns and we're dead meat!

Hawkeye: Idiots. You guys are dead already....

Hawkeye (To his captors looking at him through a security camera): Run.

Schizoid Man: And what the hell was your function in the Ultimates, Madame Wasp? To fly around and find a real superhero? Well I'm sorry, Madame Wasp. (Pushing the Wasp against the wall) But I'm afraid that life doesn't always go according to plan.

Wasp: What're you talking about? I released the locks on Captain America's cell five minutes ago, jackass.

Schizoid Man: ...what?

(Shadow falls across the two, Schizoid Man turns - to see Captain America, minor cuts, mask stolen, fierce-looking)

Captain America: Get the hell away from my girlfriend.

The Ultimates Annual #2

Captain America: How can you stand it? The lack of progress?

Falcon: Let's not get into this, shall we.

Captain America: Colored people and the lack of...I mean...

Captain America: Black people and the...African-Americans and...stop giving me that look. You know what I mean.

Falcon: Sure, you mean you don't know what the hell you're talking about but I should act like you do because you mean well.

Captain America: That's not--

Falcon: Hey, no problem, just because they call you Captain America, doesn't mean you should be any different from any other white guy.

Captain America: No. It's just means that my head and my heart tell me it's 1945. They tell me that when I switch on the radio, it should take a minute to warm up and music should come out, not noise and foul language. They tell me that when I talk about God as something real, people should understand, not look away as if I'm crazy. They tell me that I should be winning a war that will make the world free and everyone equal -- not looking at the sad result of sixty years of compromise and lowered expectations. They tell me that I'm just a man. No better than any other. But no worse.

Falcon: Well. Sixty years. Let me tell you, man, you missed some $#!&.

Captain America: Good thing your boss can afford the expenses.

Falcon: True dat.

Captain America: What?

Falcon: Nothing, man.

Issue 1

Nick Fury: The signal's coming from Russia. Tunguska, in fact, which is kind of like Siberia without the scenery. And I tell you, I did not go through a Cold War and in fact end the Cold War to have a massively destabilizing terrorist communications attack come from Russia!

Nick Fury: Mister Putin has agreed to a small exploratory force. So it's you'n'me, Cap, and Widow, 'cos I need a Russian speaker -

Black Widow: And I get to hear more stories about how you put Yankee boot to Russian backside and tore down the Berlin Wall with your teeth, da?

Nick Fury: - and one more.

Captain America: Tony? Tony's the science guy.

Nick Fury: I like Tony. Everybody likes Tony. He's a friendly little freak of nature, you know? But someday he's going to pull his weak sister act in the wrong place at the wrong time and he's going to get capped. And we'll be without our double-brained freak of nature. So I keep others on the payroll.

Issue 2

Sam Wilson: Sir, your call wasn't very specific. What can you tell me about the mission?

Nick Fury: I'm sorry, Mr. Wilson, that information is classified at this -

Sam Wilson: Sir, with respect, I'm on the command deck of the Helicarrier, discussing strategy with Captain goddamn America, so I think I have the right to know.

Nick Fury: That lock looks recent.

Sam Wilson:(leaning over the electronic lock) Ah, that's a late eighties console, but... yeah, it's been wired straight onto a lock from the sixties. See, the Russian take on science for years was plug one thing that worked onto another thing that works. But with this exposed wiring, I can -

(the doors open)

Sam Wilson: And we're in.

Issue 4

Black Widow: According to their records, the thing they found... well, they're making up words, but they mean it was biomechanical in nature.

Sam Wilson: A device caused the Tunguska event?

Black Widow: A recovered device, apparently. And after the Second World War, they found out how to disassemble it. They used the parts, grafting them onto human test subjects to jumpstart their supersoldier program.

Sam Wilson: Plug one thing that works onto another thing that works...

Black Widow: Exactly.

Black Widow: These are the Russian supersoldiers, Captain. Medical jokes chained up underground. Tagged to nuclear landmines to prevent them from breaking loose. These are your Russian cousins. And you can still hear them screaming.

(The Ultimates find a man sitting partly in shadow)

Nick Fury: Look, it's another one. Well, we can take him.

Man in Shadow: No. You can not. American.

Captain America: That's new.

Nick Fury: Prison hierarchy. There's always gonna be one guy who gets enough food from everyone else to hold it together.

Captain America: And there's usually a good reason for that guy to be behind bars in the first place.

Man in Shadow: I am - what is the English? I am the trustee. The good workers of this place, they say. we make you great. Make you great so that one day, you fight Captain America. And I say to them, what about his shield? And they say to me, we cannot replicate his shield.

(Man in Shadow stands up, holding a shield. The Ultimates are shocked by something we can't see, then the view shifts so we see him from the front. The shield has a human face stretched across the front of it - it is made from one of the inmates)

Man in Shadow: So I made my own.

Nick Fury: OK, here's an idea I'm gonna run up the flagpole to see if anyone salutes it - let's shoot him a lot, and then move on.

Issue 5

Vision: There is a very old culture. They were the first to see what is coming and survive. Their word for it has traveled. In your tongue it means antimessiah/uncreator/poison wave/universal endbringer: Gah Lak Tus.

Nick Fury: Wilson, you will spend every waking moment of your life with the Vision robot until it tells you what the hell is gunning for us. And no, we can't tell anyone. This whole thing is officially sixty levels above top secret.

Sam Wilson: But... how will we explain away the broadcasts predicting mass death.

Nick Fury: ...Terrorists. Terrorists are good for anything.

Issue 1

Guard: ID now. You have ten seconds to comply.

Philip Lawson: They still making you say that?

Guard: It's getting to where I'm accidentally saying it at home. "Dinner now. You have ten seconds to comply." My wife smacked the hell out of me, Doctor Lawson...

Colonel North: Gentlemen, be seated. I'd like to introduce our core team on the Asis rocket - Doctor Sutton, Doctor Binder, and Doctor Lawson. If Doctor Lawson will give us his time.

Philip Lawson: I'm sorry, I was just looking at her.

Major Carol Danvers: Excuse me?

Philip Lawson: (pointing out the window)The rocket. Didn't see you there, Major. Sorry.

Colonel North: Doctor Lawson is, of course, a civilian, and should probably be forgiven. If not by me.

Philip Lawson: Unikode Halahand Heavenchair: stand ready to receive break kode.

Killer Alien Robot: Unikode confirm: rankstate.

Philip Lawson: Pluskommander Geheneris HalaSon Mahr Vehl.

Killer Alien Robot: Visualskan unconfirm: not Kree physiotype.

Philip Lawson: Uplink to kruiser Night's Enquiry, query file "Infiltration_Mahr Vehl_Surgery".

Killer Alien Robot: Uplinked. Stand by... File-related message from shipthane Yahn Rgg follows: "Mission parameters altered. Humans will not be allowed to escape the planet. Comply with destruction of Asis or be disavowed." Identity Pluskommander Mahr Vehl confirmed.

Philip Lawson: Oh, now you confirm my identity. I hate killforms. Does "disavowed" still mean "blasted to sludge and turned into a protein shake"? Tell Yahn Rgg he's a rectal wart and I'll kill him for this.