Xena: Warrior Princess Quotations

Xena: Warrior Princess is a cult American television series filmed in New Zealand. It was spun off from Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, airing from 1995 to 2001. A historical fantasy set in ancient Greece, it featured the adventures of former villain Xena (Lucy Lawless), a reformed warlord on a quest to redeem her past sins. Xena was accompanied on her travels by Gabrielle (Reneé O'Connor), a young woman who became her best friend and most trusted ally.

Sins of the Past [1.01]

Xena: You know where I'm headed there'll be trouble.

Gabrielle: I know.

Xena: Then why would you want to go into that with me?

Gabrielle: That's what friends do. They stand by each other when there's trouble.

Xena: Alright... friend.

Xena: It's not easy trying to prove you're a different person.

Xena: And I wish you were here. It's hard to be alone.

Gabrielle: You're not alone.

Xena: He looks like a gentle soul, that's rare in a man.

Gabrielle: It's not the gentle part I have a problem with, it's the dull, stupid part.

Chariots of War [1.02]

Xena: JUMP!

Gabrielle: If I die I'm never talking to you again!

(Gabby jumps from Argo to chariot.)

Xena: You call that a jump??

Gabrielle: No, it was a frantic leap...best I could do.

Xena: Don't tell me! That was HIM?

Gabrielle: 'Fraid so.

Xena: Remind me to have a talk with you about your taste in men.

Dreamworker [1.03]

Xena: Don't confuse defending yourself with using a weapon. When you pull a sword you have to be ready to kill.

Xena: The first time you pick up a sword, you become a target. And the moment you kill...everything changes. Everything.

Gabrielle: You're waiting for the right moment to say I told you so, aren't you?

Xena: Nope. I'm waiting for you to say it for me.

Gabrielle: Hah!...It's not like your breasts aren't dangerous enough.

Xena: See how calm the surface of the water is. That was me once. And then....(throws the rock in)....the water ripples and

churns. That's what I became.

Gabrielle: But if we sit here long enough it will go back to being still again. You'll go back to being calm.

Xena: But the stone's still under there. It's now a part of the lake. It might look as it did before but it's forever changed.

Cradle of Hope [1.04]

Gabrielle : Did you sleep okay?

Xena : Like a rock. You?

Gabrielle : ON a rock.

The Path Not Taken [1.05]

Gabrielle: Did you ever notice that we never have a problem getting a table?

Xena: It's a mystery to me

Xena:You’re gonna cut your throat and jump? That’s a bit overdoing it don’t you think?

The Reckoning [1.06]

Xena: If I run now, I’ll be running forever.

Gabrielle: Well, it beats being dead.

Gabrielle: How did those guys come back from the dead?

Xena: Well… ever hear of Ares?

Xena: You coming back for me really meant a lot after what I did to you.

Gabrielle: I trust you. I never thought for a moment you meant to hurt me.

Xena: Well, I owe you one. Thanks.

Gabrielle: I owe you too.

Gabrielle suddenly hits Xena on her breastplate.

Xena: What was that?"

Gabrielle: Payback for hitting me.

Xena: Feel better?

Gabrielle: I think I broke my hand. But I do feel better.

Xena: Good. So do I.

The Titans [1.07]

Xena: Don’t be sorry Gabrielle. Just improve.

Xena: If the titans caught her we could be facing thousands by now. On the bright side if anyone can stall it’s Gabrielle.

Xena sees Gabrielle and Philius asleep together. Her expression is of hurt and disappointment.

Gabrielle: What's the matter?

Xena: Nothing, I just--

Gabrielle: Thought I did something without thinking?

Xena: Well, if you did it's none of my business.

Gabrielle: Yeah, that's right. It isn't.

Xena: Look, if this is about what I said before, I was tired.

Gabrielle: You think I'm just a kid.

Xena: No, I don't. I just don't have time to convince you right now.

Xena: Why did you risk your life by going into that cavern alone?

Gabrielle: I wanted to make up for what I did so that you wouldn't hate me.

Xena: For your information I could never hate you. Your heart's always in the right place.

Prometheus [1.08]

Gabrielle: You’re not much for girl talk are you? (Xena draws her sword.) Of course you’re not like most girls.

Xena: Gabrielle wants to go to an Academy for Bards in Athens. Make sure she gets there.

Gabrielle: Once, a long, long time ago, all people had four legs and two heads. And then, the Gods threw down thunderbolts, and split everyone into two. Each half then had two legs, and one head. But the separation left both sides with a desperate yearning to be reunited, because they shared the same soul. And ever since then, all people spend their lives searching for the other half of their soul.

Hooves and Harlots [1.10]

Ephiny: Come...Now.

Gabrielle: You must have me mistaken for a pet.

Ephiny: (Scowls) Would you come with me?

Gabrielle: That's better.

Xena: Something about me you find interesting?

Ephiny: Yes.

Xena: Wanna tell me?

Ephiny: No.

Xena: Then stop staring at me before I take your eyes out.

Xena: What’s this?

Gabrielle: I’m an Amazon princess?

Xena: Great.

Ephiny: Now I see why you ride the horse.

Ephiny: (to Xena) Are you sure you're not an Amazon?

Gabrielle: But I’ve learned my lesson. Everything I know, you know. From now on, no more secrets.

Xena: We’ll see how long that lasts.

Gabrielle: Hmph.

Gabrielle: I just thought of something. You’re a warrior princess and I’m an Amazon princess. That is going to make such a great story.

Terreis: It’s a man’s world, Gabrielle. Not because it should be, but because we let them have it.

The Black Wolf [1.11]

Xena: Oh, don’t bother the dears. They’re sleeping.

Xena: You’ve grown up.

Flora: You’ve grown legendary.

Diomedes: You embroider.

Xena: I have many skills.

Gabrielle: (being lead down to the dungeon) It was really nice of you to walk me down her personally.

Salmoneus:You! That's the little miss innocent who had me thrown in here in the first place.

Xena: She's my friend.

Salmoneus: (to Xena of Gabby) She's your friend. She’s your friend?? You have a friend?? What is she, a warrior?

Gabrielle: Hey, back off! You wouldn't have been thrown here in the first place if you had kept your hands off my tomatoes.

[Xena looks questioningly at Salmoneus]

Salmoneus: I can explain that!

Man: Looking for the man of your dreams?

Xena: Yep.:[Punches him in the stomach] You're not him.

Xena: I can tell you that you were the closest thing I ever had to a sister. That was important to me.

Xena: Hey, it's all right.

Hermia: Thank you - Xena?

Xena: Hermia?

Hermia: The Gods, it must be 10 years since I saw you last!

Xena:Come over here. What are you doing here? Where's your family?

Hermia: Persix and Eteocles inhabit the other side, thanks to that murdering tyrant, Xeres. And now he's thrown Flora in his dungeon!

Xena: Flora? Little Flora? She's in prison?

Hermia: She's not little anymore. She's all grown up and madly in love with one of the Black Wolves.

Beware of Greeks Bearing Gifts [1.12]

Gabrielle: Do you want to go back for the horse? It's bound to be a collectors' item?

Xena: Only if you're gonna pull it.

Gabrielle: Nah.

Gabrielle: You know Helen?

Xena: We met a long time ago in Sparta. Before the war.

A Fist Full of Dinars [1.14]

Gabrielle: You can't sweet-talk information out of me - wrong target.

Petrocles: Oh, I don't know. Some people consider me the king of sweet-talk.

Gabrielle: Well, hand over the crown, 'cause you just met your match. When I was five, I talked my parents into giving me my own pony.

Petrocles: When I was fifteen, I talked a warlord into giving me his army.

Gabrielle: I once talked a Cyclops out of his dinner. And I was the dinner.

Petrocles: I talked Xena into marrying me.

Xena: [far from both of them] Gabrielle, why don't you walk up here with me?

Gabrielle: You can keep your crown.

Gabrielle: So, what's this Petracles like?

Xena: He's a warlord. He's an ambitious, ruthless, dominating, conniving lair. He'll say anything he can to get a woman to fall for him, and then once he has her, he uses her.

Gabrielle: So you've met.

Xena: We were to be married.

Petracles: When Xena and I met, we were very young. Neither of us knew what love was. We confused possesion for passion. We had to own each other. I was a little better at it than she was. I asked her to marry me because I thought that was the best way to conquer her.

Gabrielle: I bet you had a surprise coming!

Petracles: No, Gabrielle, it worked. She was mine. And when I realized I had her I didn't want her anymore.

Warrior...Princess [1.15]

Princess Diana: Tell me what to do to be a convincing Xena.

Gabrielle: Well for starters, stop crying.

Princess Diana: This is my round killing-thing.

Gabrielle: Chakram

Princess Diana: Bless you.

The Royal Couple of Thieves [1.17]

Autolycus: Now I know what you want, but I'm afraid a broken heart is all I can give you at the moment.

Xena: We need to talk.

Autolycus: Talk is cheap; I have an expensive ear.

Autolycus: Malthus...I don't steal from him.

Gabrielle: (laughs) He's afraid.

Autolycus: No, we have an arrangement. I don't steal from him, he doesn't gouge my eyes out with hot pokers. It's worked out very well so far.

Xena: Will you help?

Autolycus: No. Not because I wouldn't want to do your bidding, that's another subject, but as I explained before, we have an arrangement.

Autolycus: You're trying to use my ego against me.

Gabrielle: I didn't think it would work.

Autolycus: No, it worked. I'll do it.

Autolycus: You're gratitude is all any man could ever want, however this particular man has financial needs.

Gabrielle: Is money the only thing in your life?

Autolycus: I believe it is.

Gabrielle: Ah, I like this ring.

Autolycus: Oh, that's mine. I got it from a beautiful princess.

Gabrielle: Was it a gift?

Autolycus: You're so young.

Autolycus: Ah, Xena, I think I found your disguise. The assistant of Sintares would wear no less. (holds up skimpy outfit)

Gabrielle: Any less and there wouldn't be.

Autolycus: Of course the trick in killing someone with an apricot is really in the wrist. The drawback is that it kills instantly so there's no time to gather information. So for situations like that, well, I use a muffin.

Xena: What do you think you're doing? Concubine?

Autolycus: Oh, come on. Do you really think those people would believe someone like Lord Sintares would have someone like you without, well, having someone like you?

Xena: Just you watch it.

Xena: Magmar told me that his boss has a big ego, almost as big as yours.

Autolycus: Nothing is as big as mine.

Altered States [1.19]

Gabrielle: By the Gods!

Xena: What is it?

Gabrielle: You are beautiful!

Gabrielle: I'm great. I can't see but I'm good.

Xena: Try using both eyes.

Gabrielle: Oh, oh yeah that's better.

Xena: Think you can stand?

Gabrielle: You mean I'm not?

Xena: Have I made myself clear?

Gabrielle: No. You're a little fuzzy around the edges so you keep trying, you'll get there.

Xena: What are you doing here? I thought I told you to wait for me at the cave.

Gabrielle: I did and then this rock told me I had to come find you.

Xena: The rock spoke to you?

Gabrielle: Well, yeah, I mean his voice was a little gravely but I understood...

Gabrielle: Did I hurt you?

Xena: No, no, loving every minute of it.

Callisto [1.22]

Gabrielle: You want to talk about it?

Xena: What?

Gabrielle: Cirra.

Xena: It was just another village to conquer. Nothing out of the ordinary. A fire broke out and I don't know if it was my men or just an accident but there was a strong wind and those flames just swept through that town like a wave a death. And the people were huddled in their houses cause they were afraid of my army. That was the one time that my army was responsible for the death of women and children. And there was just a hand full of survivors. Obviously Callisto was one of them.

Gabrielle: No, no look, you promise me. If something happens to me, you will not become a monster. There’s only one way to end this cycle of hatred, and it’s through love and forgiveness.

Xena: Don’t you go changing, Gabrielle. I like you just the way you are. Go get some sleep.

Gabrielle: No, no, you promise me.

Xena: I promise.

Xena: Don't worry, I won't let anything happen to you without a fair trial.

Callisto: You know, there used to be a little respect mixed up in my hatred for you. But not anymore. Your petty scruples are embarrassing. As a villain, you were awesome. As a hero, you're a sentimental fool.

Callisto: The sight, just the sight, of Xena, Warrior Princess arguing on my behalf amuses me, so let me tell you. Let me answer your question about what I'd do if you let me go. You let me go, and I'll dedicate my life to killing everything you love. Your friends, your family, your reputation - even your horse. I'm being so honest with you, because the idea of your pity is worse than death for me. You see, you created a monster with integrity, Xena. Scary, isn't it?

Callisto: Oh! Well, that makes all the difference, and now we can be the best of friends! [spits on Xena] That's what I think of your apology.

Death Mask [1.23]

Gabrielle: I thought you said your brother was killed by Cortese.

Xena: No, that was my younger brother. Gabrielle, this is my older brother, Toris.

Gabrielle:Huh, you’re full of surprises.

Xena:Toris has some surprises of his own. That’s the mask of Cortese.

Toris:That’s right. It’s the only way I can get close enough to Cortese-- to kill him.

Xena: I want Cortese as much as you do. But murder is not the answer. I learned the hard way about justice –

Toris: Learned the hard way? Are you bragging? What I saw of you when I left our village was not something to be proud of.

Xena: And what did you see? Someone had to step forward. Cortese would have slaughtered us all if we hadn’t fought/

Toris: If our people had followed me to the hills –

Xena: Cortese would have hunted us down like dogs. I had to make a stand, and I wasn’t the only one show believed that.

Toris: That’s right. Our brother believed it. Lyceus stood by you to the end. And it was his end, remember?

Xena: I said fight because it was our village. Lyceus believed in that, and I would say it again.

Xena: Toris…

Toris: How do you put up with that girl?

Xena: Why? She knows more about wisdom and justice than you’ll ever know.

Toris:You murdering harpie!

Is There A Doctor In The House? [1.24]

Xena: You were right, I shouldn't have brought her here.

General:We all make mistakes.

Xena: My pride may have killed my best friend.

Xena: He got in the way. It’s war Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: I can’t bear to think of all the innocents who suffer because of this madness. Someone has to stop it. Come on, Xena. No0t even you can stop an entire war. All right, look, I did not mean that as a challenge.

Xena: Stay here with Ephiny.

Gabrielle: What are you going to do?

Xena: I’m gonna find a safe place for Ephiny to have her baby…and then I’m gonna stop this war.

Gabrielle : I’ve got to learn to keep my mouth shut.

Galen: If she had hit him an inch lower, she could have killed the monster.

Xena: She knew that. That’s why he’s still alive.

Marmax: Are you telling me that she’d rather die that take the life of a man she doesn’t even know?

Xena: Gabrielle lives by her own code. That code doesn’t include killing.

Xena: She’s not dead. I wouldn’t let her. Come on, Gabrielle, wake up. Come on, wake up! Come on, wake up! You’re scaring me! Wake up! Wake up! Gabrielle breathe. Breathe.

Xena: [crying]: Don’t leave me! Don’t you leave me! Don’t leave me! Don’t leave me! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

Gabrielle:[Gasping]

Xena: You’re okay

Galen: You’re Asclepius! You’ve come back to Earth!

Xena: Get up Galen. I’m not Asclepius. You should know that by now. It’s Gabrielle who performed the miracle…didn’t you?

Gabrielle: Xena…

Xena: Yeah.

Gabrielle: I wanted to thank you for saving my life…again. You always seem to be doing that.

Xena: It was your decision to come back.

Gabrielle: How could I leave you? When we have so many wars to stop and despots to foil? You’re going to need my help.

Xena: I couldn’t do it without you, but you’re gonna have to rest up for a while.

Orphan of War [2.01]

Kaleipus: Amazing. I see so much change in your eyes. You aren't the woman I faced ten years ago. You aren't that warrior. Let him go, Xena. He's got a family and a home here. He's not you're son anymore.

Xena: Are you telling me this for my good or yours?

Kaleipus: For his... and mine. For nine years, Solan has been my son. I love him more than my very life and the thought of losing him... You can't possibly know what that feels like.

Xena: Do you know what it's like to be a mother without her child?

Xena: Take this child. He's my son, and the son of Borias. If he stays with me, he'll become a target for all those who hate me... and he'll learn things a child should never know. He'll become like me.

Xena: You have things here I can only dream about. Things I would want for my son.

Xena: I could sing for you.

Xena: Borias was a very wise man. He found his way a lot sooner than I did. But I didn't kill him. I ordered him captured, unharmed, and I don't know what happened.

Remember Nothing [2.02]

Crone:You saved our temple. Name your reward. If it’s our to bestow, it’s yours

Xena:Reward-- for what? For killing a boy barely out of his childhood? I don’t want a reward; I want that boy’s life back. By the gods, I wish I’d never followed the sword in the first place.

Maphias: You tell me. First, it was Cortese’s attack, then the town’s reconstruction. I’m warning you, Xena. You keep putting me off like this, and I’m liable to give up-- in ten or fifteen years.

The Giant Killer [2.03]

Gabrielle: You know you'd think she'd mention that her friend was taller than most pine trees.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun [2.04]

Xena: Find a way to make him presentable, and then we'll leave.

Joxer: Wait a minute. What did she mean, make you presentable?

Orpheus: She doesn't want me to look like you

Return of Callisto [2.05]

Callisto: I say before I kill you, I'm going to make you squeal like a pig, you fat pathetic piece of dung.

Callisto: You know I don't drink intoxicants, Theodorus. I like to experience life in all its agonizing glory. I don't want to dull the sensation in any way.

Callisto: Your not falling in love with me, are you?

Theodorus : Well what if I was?

Callisto: I'd have to kill you. Love is a trick that nature plays to get us to reproduce. I want no part of it.

Warrior...Princess...Tramp [2.06]

Joxer: Wait wait wait...How am I supposed to know who the real Diana is?

Xena: Well if you come across a woman and she looks exactly like me and she displays any interest in you whatsoever as a man, that's the bad one.

Joxer: She is bad! Real bad...

Meg: Hold it right there. In the blink of an eye I can split the skull of anyone who moves with my trusty...shamrock!

Intimate Strangers [2.07]

Callisto: Do you know how boring Tartarus can be. Same old torture everyday, everyday.

Callisto/Xena: Look into my eyes old woman, Xena's not home.

Cyrene: Who are you?

Callisto/Xena: Just another loving daughter.

Xena/Callisto: A long time ago you told me the cycle of hate has to end and the only way to end it is through love. It's a hard lesson to learn. Callisto couldn't possibly know or understand that.

Xena/Callisto: 'Cause when you think of the dead...

Callisto's Mother: ...the dead can hear you.

Ten Little Warlords [2.08]

Ares: Pain! So that's what it feels like. Not so bad really.

Gabrielle: Oh ya like it, huh? Well there's plenty more where that came from.

Xena: Are you alright?

Ares: I've been hanged, swung over a fire and nearly shishkabobed on razor sharp spikes! How do you mortals get from day to day?

A Solstice Carol [2.09]

Gabrielle: Well-- what? Oh. I don’t have a gift for you.

Xena: Gabrielle, you are a gift to me

The Xena Scrolls [2.10]

Janice: Now, that’s no way to treat a lady. Run along now, boys. I don’t have time to play.

Xena: Now, you listen to me. Gabrielle was never useless. She cared for others more than erself

Here She Comes ... Miss Amphipolis [2.11]

Salmoneus: Xena! I was just talking about you! Sort of.

Xena: Beauty contest!! You sent urgent word for us to see some underdressed, overdeveloped bimbos in a beauty contest!

Xena: wake me when you get to the urgent part!

Gabrielle: now why don’t you just cancel the pageant?

Salmoneus: Lord Clairon’s tried that. Each of these guys is so invested in winning, nobody wants to quit first. The way I see it – what we need is a contestant to keep an eye on things from the inside.

Gabrielle: Oh, no, no, no! Don’t even look at me. Now you know how I feel about these women being victimized by meat markets.

Xena: She’s right. But war makes everyone a victim. So… meet Miss Amphipolis.

Xena: Looking for this? Now I want some straight answers.

Miss Artifice: you’ve got the wrong girl. Okay, okay, I was just kidding where’s you’re sense of humor?

Xena: Gee, I must have sweated it out. That you idea of funny too?

Artifice: I was just trying to scare you.

Xena: Why did you want to scare me?

Artifice: because I knew you knew. You know about me. And I didn’t want you telling anyone. But when I came back to unlock the door, you had already gone.

Xena: What made you think I would tell.

Artifice: You really don’t get it do you? I guess being born a woman, you wouldn’t. This is a chance for me to use a part of me most people usually laugh at. Or worse. The part I usually have to hide. Only here, that part works for me, see?

Xena: I don’t think so.

Artifice: Look, I don’t expect you to understand. And I’m sorry I got you steamed, I just hope you’ll let me quit the pageant in private instead of going public with it.

Xena: No way. May the best person win.

Gabrielle: this is sabotage!

Xena: Gabrielle, it’s just a bad dress.

Gabrielle: Bad dress? Xena, Chiffon is bad. Chartreuse is bad. But this is a disaster. You will be eliminated half way down the catwalk.

Xena: Calm down. Look, if it really bothers you, I’ll fix it. [Cuts dress]

Xena: Trust me, you don’t want to make me angry.

Clairon: Oh, on the contrary. I’m looking forward to it.

Xena: Okay. Are we having fun yet? Oops. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

Gabrielle: So Miss Known World is a man?

Xena: Yep.

Gabrielle: That’s kind of funny, huh?

Xena: Why? Beauty is beauty.

Gabrielle: And peace is peace.

Xena: Are you going to write about this?

Gabrielle: Oh, yes. I was thinking about calling it “Queen for a –

Xena: Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: “What a drag –

Xena: Gabrielle!

Gabrielle: Okay, okay.

Destiny [2.12]

Gabrielle: You've changed, Xena. Like this valley. Once it was a place full of death and violence. But now it's full of beauty and life. The same kind of change has happened to you.

Xena: Oh, that's right. You're fated to rule the world. Do you really believe that?

Julius Caesar: Of course. Each event in our life is part of a great plan. There are no accidents. Only destiny.

Xena: And who shapes this destiny - the gods?

Julius Caesar: Perhaps. Or it's the blood in our veins, our souls, our desires, our will. They're all in it, together, weaving a tapestry we call destiny.

Xena: Well, I can tell you one thing about your destiny: you're fated to have dinner in my cabin tonight.

M'lia: You have a destiny Xena, but you have to choose it.

Xena: You'll be dead in thirty seconds. But know this: you won't be the last. Tell Hades to prepare himself. A new Xena is born tonight, with a new purpose in life: death.

The Quest [2.13]

Autolycus: Ah, another day, another defilement.

Gabrielle: I would've told her how empty my life was before she came, and all the lessons I learned...and that I love her"

Autolycus: Choose the one drink you wouldn't give your worst enemy, and give me a double.

Autolycus: Um... can you put that hand here (gestures to Solari's right breast)

Solari: (Moves hand to support her right breast, raises an eyebrow)

Autolycus: And... can you put that hand there (gestures to Solari's left breast)

Solari: (Places hand to support left breast)

Autolycus: Now this is purely business, not pleasure (place hand between Solari's breasts)

Solari: (Shocked look come over her face, stares down at his hand, a look of "did he just? he really just put his hand there. WOW)

Autolycus (pulls the pin holding her top together out) well mostly business,(Gabrielle glares)... now hold it (gestures to Solari holding her breasts, and moves off screen)

A Necessary Evil [2.14]

Gabrielle: Does an Amazon Queen beat a Warrior Princess?

Xena: Do you really want to find out?

Velasca: Artemis, you fake! Where were you when our nation died? Where were you when the many Amazon tribes were scattered and destroyed? Where were you when the word 'Amazon' became a joke told by old men in taverns? I was once your subject, now I'm your equal... and your enemy!

Xena: You may be immortal but I can still do damage. How'd you like to spend eternity in 5 pieces?

Callisto: Why don't you and I eat the ambrosia, that way we can be fighting each other for eternity?

Callisto: [to Gabrielle] When I sliced open your husband, how long did it take him to die? [Callisto laughs and Gabrielle runs away]

Xena: There's a path out of the mountains to.... [watches Gabrielle run, then turns to Callisto] What's wrong with her?

Callisto: We played a game of truth or dare, but she not very good at it.

Velasca: You must have a death wish.

Callisto: You know, it's funny, I think I do.

Callisto: You don't just kill me and walk away.

Callisto: [picks up a rat] No no no, no no. Relax my fur little friend. You're not dinner. That's the boring part about immortality. You're never hungry. No, you're defiantly not food. Your my little Hercules. Hercules trapped me in this little resort, and I owe him a lot. And I plan on paying him back for his kindness, soon. Soon. So, run away like a good little Hercules. [sets rat down] Run away, run away. [stabs the rat] Very soon. [laughs]

A Day in the Life [2.15]

Gabrielle: Xena, this was our only frying pan. Why do you do that? You do have weapons, don't you?

Xena: I like to be creative in a fight. It gets my juices going.

Gabrielle: Can we cook with your juices?

Hower: Let me ask you something, Gabrielle. Does Xena ever think about... settling down and getting married?

Gabrielle: No. She likes what I do.

[Xena throws a fish at Gabrielle's face]

Gabrielle: I think she likes what she's doing.

Gabrielle: Another one's fallen for you.

Xena: Again? What is it?

Gabrielle: Oh, the blue eyes... the leather. Men love leather.

Xena: I think it's time for a wardrobe change.

Gabrielle: Yeah. You could try wearing chainmail.

Xena: Nah. That'd just attract a kinkier group.

Gabrielle: You're probably right.

Xena: On the other hand, I could just stop bathing and wear a smelly wolf skin. That’d turn ‘em off.

Gabrielle: That’s true. Of course, you’d also be traveling alone.

Gabrielle: YOU USED MY SCROLL??

Xena: I had to improvise. There were no good leaves! I used a piece that hardly had any writing on it.

Xena: Oh, that's enough, Minya!

Gabrielle: She's in that, "I'll do anything for the Warrior Princess" haze!

Minya: [Minya is playing with Xena's whip] The rotten thing came back and bit me!

Xena: You gotta be careful with it. What are you doing with my whip, anyway?

Minya: It isn't your whip, anymore. I traded my best frying pan for it, fair and square.

Gabrielle: Look, we have to cook our food. I am still waiting for the fish I had for lunch to stop trying to swim upstream!

Xena: No, this isn't about cooking, is it?

Gabrielle: I don't know what you're talking about.

Xena: I messed with your scroll, so you... You traded my whip for a frying pan? I want it back.

Minya: No! It belongs to me! You don't get that concept very well, do you? The whip is mine. The frying pan's yours. Hower is mine! She's yours.

The Execution [2.17]

Salesman: Meleager’s murder weapon-- right here! An actual reproduction of the possible murder weapon, that was never found! Here you go, little lady-- the perfect souvenir for the occasion!

Xena: I’m not a little lady.

Blind Faith [2.18]

Gabrielle: Look, my best friend is Xena, Warrior Princess and she is not going to like this forced wedding thing, if you get my drift.

Gabrielle: I can't marry the king because my heart belongs to another. And even though I can't be with them now, I'm not ready to be with anyone else.

Gabrielle: It's not you it's me. I'm just not ready for this kind of commitment. Which is probably better for you anyway because all the men I get serious about seem to wind up dead.

Palamon: I said I could learn something from you and I did. You are who you pretend to be. So you'd better pretend to be something you can live with.

Xena: Be careful, Palamon. We all eventually become what we pretend we are.

Lost Mariner [2.21]

Gabrielle: Xena-- oh Xena.

Cecrops: Are you out of your mind?!

Xena: Gabrielle, are you all right?

Gabrielle: Yeah, I’m fine. I’m-- seasick. I’m cursed. Actually, I’m really seasick.

Cecrops: Excuse me. Do you know who I am?

Xena: You’re Cecrops. I wasn’t gonna let you take off with my best friend.

A Comedy of Eros [2.22]

Gabrielle: What's wrong with you?

Xena: Nothing that a good workout won't cure.

Joxer: Hey ... uh ... try the lake. A cold swim usually helps ... so I've been told.

Gabrielle: What are you doing?

Xena: Hard to believe, but Joxer's advice about a cold swim, I'm taking it.

Gabrielle: That's not hard to believe. No no, Joxer's full of good ideas.

Xena: No, I said Joxer.

Gabrielle: I know, he's teaching me that wonderful song of his.

Xena: Gabrielle, what's going on? You barely tolerate Joxer.

Gabrielle: That was before.

Xena: Before what?

Gabrielle: Before I realized ... I love him.

Xena: What?!

Gabrielle: I know, it shocked me too, to see how blind I'd been. But, maybe that's what love is, it's blind. I should write that down.

Xena: No, Gabrielle, this is crazy. You can't be in love with Joxer. He's ... well, he's Joxer.

Gabrielle: Are you talking about my man? Like Draco is such a prize? Xena, I would rather be in love with Joxer than a blood thirsty warlord like Draco.

Xena: Draco's not like that.

Xena: This love stuff is a real pain.

Xena: (to and unconscious Draco) I'm sorry, sweetie, that hurt me a lot more than it hurt you. Sweetie? Did I say ‘sweetie'? I've never used that word in my life before ... oh, but he's so cute.

Xena: It's about time you clipped his (Baby Bliss) wings.

Cupid: Yeah, well, I was a little tied up.

(Cupid touches Xena on the forehead to remove the love spell)

Xena: That's it?

Cupid: Yeah, easy come, easy go.

The Furies [3.01]

Ares: No. Life isn't worth living. It's to be taken, and beaten. And wrestled, and formed in your image. That's where the meaning lies. In what you can twist life into. For those who just endure life, yeah it is a very nasty joke. But for those who form it with their will, the joke is on those who get in the way.

Xena: I must be crazy. You're beginning to make sense.

Xena: Gabrielle couldn't save a cat in a sack without me.

Been There, Done That [3.02]

Joxer: Rise and shine everyone, rise and shine.

Gabrielle: I'll rise, but I refuse to shine.

Xena: It's not the Fates, it's not Ares, it's not something I ate, no, I have no poison dart marks, I have no Bacchae bites!

Joxer: Is that a hickey?

Xena: Gabrielle, did you know that Joxer simply adores you?

Joxer: Could I speak to you privately?

Xena: He would crawl 50 miles on broken glass just to sweat in your shadow.

Xena: No, no, yes, no. I tried that. Yes, both ways. No, I don't know. No, again. Are there any more questions? Good.

The Dirty Half Dozen [3.03]

Darnell: That's not how a princess fights!

Gabrielle: Amazon princess!

Gabrielle's Hope [3.05]

Innkeeper : OK.

Gabrielle: Hey-- can I have some cherries too, please?

Innkeeper: Yeah, yeah.

Gabrielle: And some beef jerky.

Innkeeper: Uh-huh.

Gabrielle: Mmmm-- pork liver.

Innkeeper: Right.

Gabrielle: I mean, if you've got it. Oh, and don't overcook it, 'cause I like it really bloody."

Innkeeper: Yeah.

Gabrielle: You know-- if you melt some cheese over the top, that would be perfect.

Innkeeper: Sure.

The Debt, Part I [3.06]

Messenger: The Green Dragon has become too large and must be made small again.

Lao Ma: Nothing is as soft as water. Yet, who can withstand the raging flood?

Gabrielle: You owe someone so much you would just throw away these last few years?

Xena: Yes.

The Debt, Part II [3.07]

Lao Ma: To conquer others is to have power. To conquer yourself is to know the way.

Lao Ma: The entire world is driven by a will, blind and ruthless. In order to transcend the limitations of that world, you need to stop willing, stop desiring, stop hating.

Lao Ma: Heaven endures and the Earth lasts a long time because they do not live for themselves. Therefore she who would live a long time should live for others, serve others.

The King of Assassins [3.08]

Autolycus: (regarding Joxer)Why is he here?

Gabrielle: He knows Jet.

Autolycus: No, I mean on a grander scale, why is he here?

Autolycus: I'm not as dumb as he looks!

Gabrielle: Autolycus, an innocent person is going to die.

Autolycus: No he isn't, because he is leaving.

Gabrielle: It's a chance to do something really good.

Autolycus: Ha.

Gabrielle: And get a really big reward.

Autolycus: Oh, she had to say the 'R' word.

Joxer: I've seen evil! I've changed my ways!

Jet: Brother, if you saw evil, you'd have to change your pants.

Warrior… Priestess… Tramp [3.09]

Leah: Heathens to the left of me, infidels to the right! Tremendous! Next thing is you will be telling me you're not virgins! (Xena and Gabrielle look sheepishly at her)

(Leah gasps in astonishment)

Gabrielle: I was married at the time.

Leah: We all have our little excuses, hmm?

Gabrielle: (to a smirking Xena) Were you?

Gabrielle: You don't have to be a virgin to be virtous.

Leah: You keep telling yourself that dear.

Joxer: The woman I love is working here…On the other hand, I am just one small business transaction away from pressing my lips against her. What am I saying?

The Quill is Mightier... [3.10]

Barbarian Leader: We fight with the heart of a lion.

Aphrodite: And you run with the feet of a chicken.

Ares: We were starting to-- warm up to each other there, weren't we?

Gabrielle: Yeah, we were.

(beat)

Ares: I didn't like it.

Gabrielle: Right back at ya.

Minya: I expect more from the god of war. I mean without his powers he's just another man. Just another big ole, leather-clad, well-muscled, gorgeous, hunk of bad boy... man.

Gabrielle: How are those hormones?

Minya: Raging. I think I'll go see Hower.

Maternal Instincts [3.11]

Callisto: All these years I've spent living to destroy you, thinking that, only if I can give you the same pain that you gave me, I'd be rid of it. And then I do. And nothing changes. I don't feel better. Just empty.

Xena: You're wrong Callisto. You let your pain kill you years ago. I'm gonna live with mine.

Xena: No you lied to me. I trusted you and you lied to me. Now Solan is dead. My son is dead, because of you.

The Bitter Suite [3.12]

Gabrielle: The Elusyian Fields... only heroes wind up here. (pauses) Dead heroes. (looks down, realizes she is completely naked and covers herself with her arms) Dead naked heroes.

----

Ares: [referring to Gabrielle] Ding-dong, the bitch is dead.

One Against an Army [3.13]

Xena: Pheidippides, can you run on to Athens and tell them about Marathon?

Pheidippides: Yes.

Xena: Good. Pace yourself. In this heat, a run like that could kill you.

Gabrielle: You taught me that there are things in life worth dying for-- things that hold a higher meaning than our own existence.

Xena: Not your existence.

Gabrielle: Why? 'Cause I'm your friend?

Xena: Yes!

Gabrielle: Well then, honor my memory.

Gabrielle: You've got to take me with you-- teach me everything you know. You can't leave me here in Poteidaia. I wanna go with you. I've studied the stars... spoken with philosophers... and I have the gift of prophecy. I can be very valuable to you. Take me with you. I want so much to be like you.

Xena: And I want to be like you.

Gabrielle: I thought you said these guys were tough.

Xena: They must have had an off-day.

Forgiven [3.14]

Gabrielle: There's something that I'm not getting. There's something you're not telling me.

Xena: She reminds me a little bit of me.

Gabrielle: Xena, I knew you were evil, but you were obnoxious too?

King Con [3.15]

Rafe: What do you make of her?

Eldon: Trust me, Rafe, no man can make her.

Xena: Give me that hat.

Rafe: (in a sing-song voice) What do you say?

Xena: Or else.

When In Rome ... [3.16]

Crassus: This isn't about Vircinix, is it?

Xena: Go on, tell us

Crassus: Assassination ... Caesar's blood on your blade ... this is you way of getting to him.

Gabrielle: You're wrong.

Crassus: Am I? Have you ever seen Xena around him? Her judgement gets a little impaired.

Pompey: So why do they call you the ‘Warrior Princess?'

Xena: Because ‘Caesar' was taken.

Forget Me Not [3.17]

Priestess of Mnemosyne: She is on her journey, Joxer. That Gabrielle is just an empty shell with no realization of her past.

Joxer: How'd you know my name?

Priestess of Mnemosyne: I have your memories ... ow.

Gabrielle: It's very strange. In every story you tell me, this thing I'm wearing gets smaller. Is it enchanted?

Gabrielle: I wanted to get there before Xena so that I could betray her. I wanted to betray her. I gave her everything and it had meant nothing to her. I hated her for loving someone else. I wanted her to hurt. I wanted her to be punished. And, I almost got her killed. My hatred and jealousy almost destroyed my best friend.

Ares: So, now you have the answer. The question is can you live with it?

Gabrielle: If the bowl is ever empty, so go my memories.

Ares: And the pain, all that pain.

Gabrielle: And the memories of my youth, my parents, my loves ...

Ares: ... the betrayal, the killing, the death of your child.

Gabrielle: And Xena.

Ares: Bottom line, Gabrielle, you won't miss what you never knew.

Joxer: Hey, aren't you forgetting about me?

Xena: No, Joxer, not even Mnemosyne could help her with that.

Fins, Femmes and Gems [3.18]

Aphrodite: Need it ... got it ... hate it ... can always hock it ... Grody! Why do these mortal types always give me fish. I hate fish.

Gabrielle: (in reference to a particularly racy fresco) That's not humanly possible.

Xena: Sure it is.

Joxer: Ah Ah. I Attus, King of Trout and Ruler of its people. I set you free ... huh? ... ha ha ha ha ha ... you tell good joke, Trout Brother. But now I must have tribute. Go. Swim. Be free. Go. Go.

Xena: Now you listen to me, Monkey Man! You ever do that again and you will find my fist down your throat.

Xena: Gabrielle! Monkey-Man, you bring her back! You know, you to are beginning to irritate me with these obsessions of yours and ... FISH DON'T JUST CATCH THEMSELVES!!!

Joxer: Mmm, Attus not afraid. Attus King of Jungle. (arrow lands in tree between Joxer's legs) Attus renounce throne.

Tsunami [3.19]

Gabrielle: Have another look ... what? What is it?

Xena: Alright, Gabrielle, that's enough. Come on, please.

Palm Reader: No. There's danger, great danger ... and death.

Gabrielle: Did you hear that? She just described every day of our lives.

Vanishing Act [3.20]

Xena: Autolycus became a thief to right a terrible wrong.

Gabrielle: I know, he told me. He stole everything from the man who killed his brother. He left him with nothing, just a broken man.

Xena: You see, that was Autolycus' defining moment. He'll always think of himself as a thief.

Xena (as Ezra): Auto, Auto baby, you promised me this was gonna work. You're supposed to be the King of Thieves. My father, my father told me he was a loser and a fraud with his phony disguises and that silly mustache, but I will always love you. Oh, you gotta believe me. He put me up to this. You know how he is, with that charm of his, he's so shallow yet so persuasive. I'm not really a bad person. I just fell in love with the wrong man at the wrong time.

Autolycus: Alright, Xena, you've been waiting for this moment since we started. Some good old fashioned-kick butt-that's my warrior princess-action.

Gabrielle: That's what makes doing work like this worthwhile.

Autolycus: Yes, half naked men running through the square.

Sacrifice, Part I [3.21]

Callisto: Welcome to my world, Xena. Now get ready to leave it.

Xena: That's the funny thing about people. Just when you think you've got them figured out they show a completely different side to their character.

Gabrielle: I know what you mean.

Sacrifice, Part II [3.22]

Xena: It's strange... The one I love most in all the world and the one I hate look exactly the same.

Callisto: I never thought I'd feel so good again! Seeing poor, dear Gabrielle sacrifice herself makes it all worthwhile. It finally gives me a reason for living, and I have you to thank for it, Xena!

Xena stabs Callisto with the hind's blood dagger

Xena: No more living for you.

Adventures in the Sin Trade, Part I [4.01]

Xena: Gabrielle, I'm entering a world of darkness I promised myself I would never return to. It's the only way I can see you again. My mind has lost its center. It's turning...turning...can't hold it...can't hold it...

Borias: What would you do if I told you I am in love?

Xena: I'd cut out your sweetheart's throat. You think I wouldn't?

Borias: No, I mean I'm in love with you.

Xena: With me? Have you lost what's left of your mind? People like you and me don't fall in love...not with each other, anyway.

Xena: Even in death, Gabrielle, I will never leave you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You gave my life meaning and joy. You will be a part of me forever.

Xena: I hate the dead ... you can't take vengeance on them.

Alti: Ah, but you can.

Alti: Your friend you told me about, Lao Ma, her powers come from denial, from self-sacrifice, from the Light. That's not for people like you and me. I want to tap into the heart of darkness, the sheer naked will behind all cravings, hatred and violence. I will become the face of death destroying not only a person's body, but their soul. Help me and I'll make you Destroyer of Nations.

Cyane: Our holy word should have been strong enough to undo whatever it was that kept us from eternity, but still we can't pass through the gate.

Xena: Then maybe you need a new holy word, one stronger than the last.

Cyane: Our holy word is Courage. Nothing's stronger than courage.

Oteri: The Berzerker!

Xena: [incredously] That's the Berzerker? [points at the man she just killed]

Oteri: No, that's the Berzerker! [points to a warrior riding up]

Adventures in the Sin Trade, Part II [4.02]

Cyane: Don't put your soul in her hands, Xena, she'll destroy it.

Xena: You won a spiritual duel. How'd you do that?

Cyane: Your choices are simple, side with us and find life...side with Alti and find death.

Alti: Tell me who she is. Tell me who the blond one is. Tell me who she is.

Xena: She's goodness and innocence, Alti, and she'll live inside me forever. She frightens you because she represents what can defeat you.

Alti: Son of Darkness, Enemy of the Land, come and curse the child that Xena carries within her. Make sure that he never experiences the love of either of his parents.

Yakut: This must be what the prophecy wants. She's lost all her powers. Maybe they passed to you. Do you feel any different?

Oteri: A little.

Yakut: (punches Oteri in the face) No, that couldn't have been it. If you had her powers I never would have got that punch in.

Alti: Your little friend is dying with you, Xena. How does that make you feel?

Xena: Good.

Alti: Good?

Xena: Because if she's dying in my future it means SHE'S ALIVE NOW!.

A Family Affair [4.03]

Hope/Gabrielle: I can't believe you're here.

Xena: The Gods themselves couldn't keep me away.

Xena: So, how's she been?

Herodotus: Without you ... just fine.

Xena: I meant after everything she's been through.

Herodotus: You should know, seducing her away from home with your heroics, filling her head with strange ideas. How's she been? Changed forever ... because of you.

Gabrielle: (to Lila) I know that thing out there looks like me, but it's not. She wants to kill us all.

Hope: It's turned into quite the family reunion. What is it now ... four generations? Your parents ... there's you ... me ... my pride, my joy ... your grandson, Mother ... the Destroyer.

Gabrielle: Why aren't you dead?

Hope: Well, it's certainly not from your lack of trying, is it? The truth is I could say the same thing about you if I cared, which I don't.

Gabrielle: I saw the fire. No one survives that.

Hope: No one, but me, Dahak's flame rising up to save me. But then, I've always been Daddy's little girl, haven't I?

Gabrielle: Always

Hope: Is that why you never loved me?

Gabrielle: I loved you, Hope. I just had to stop you.

Hope: For Xena?

Gabrielle: No, for us all.

In Sickness and In Hell [4.04]

Xena: Give it a rest, Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: No, not until you clean up your act, Xena.

Xena: Hey, I'm not the one with the fungus among us.

Gabrielle: Oh, yeah, that's poetic. Did one of your little bug friends whisper that in your ear?

Joxer: I figured I'd find you guys here. The trail was too easy to follow. Any idiot could find you.

Xena: Evidently.

Joxer: Hey, wait a minute. Those villagers hired me, and only Joxer the Mighty is going to stop the Scythians.

Xena: Joxer, I once knew a warrior who tried to stop them. They buried him in Sparta, Athens and Carthage.

Joxer: What do you mean?

Xena: They buried him in Sparta ... Athens ... and Carthage ... think about it, Joxer.

Xena: Don't make me hurt you, Scabrielle.

Gabrielle: Alright, Eczema, what are you going to do, huh? You going to use your pressure points? Go on. Go ahead. Go for it. You can't touch me. C'mon. C'mon, you're really tough now Warrior Princess.

Gabrielle: Oh, Argo, Argo, Argo. Somebody walked by with an apple and she followed him home.

Xena: Hah!

Gabrielle: That's what horses do!

...

(later)

Xena: (to Argo) How did Ascius win you over? (Argo motions over to an apple tree) What? Apples? You left me for apples? Thanks, pal.

Xena: I don't ask for much. I just want my pony back. Where's Gabrielle?

Joxer: Nature called.

Gabrielle: No, it screamed like a wild banshee.

Xena: I need a volunteer ... I pick you.

Villager: Huh?

Xena: Yeah, don't be shy. Your mother wasn't

A Good Day [4.05]

Nogalin: You've done this before.

Gabrielle: A couple of times.

Nogalin: I've never been in a war. I've only wondered what it's like. When I think of Phlanagus out there fighting ... sometimes the thoughts are too much to bear.

Gabrielle: I know what you mean.

Nogalin: I could tell that he hated it. He wrote to me telling there was no glory, no honor, just a monster that needed to be fed. And now, I finally have him back ... and the monster's followed him home.

A Tale of Two Muses [4.06]

Autolycus: Don't tell me this is another one of virtue-is-it's-own-reward jobs. Oh Xena, I thought better of you, I really did. You know, I might as well go back to Ormand. I've got a good thing going with the King's sister. I'm this close to the crown jewels and he doesn't suspect a thing.

Xena: He does now. I sent a second pigeon.

Xena: People of Peleos, may I present to you Philipon of Crete, Reformer of warlords, dancers and evil people. It's said that he once convinced the King of Thieves himself to do a good deed for no reward other than his own virtue.

Istafan: The King of Thieves, that degenerate blowhard.

Autolycus: Beg your pardon?

Istafan: Sinners like him never have the courage to be really successful. I'm sure he's just a fraud and an idiot.

Autolycus: Ha ha ha, no doubt. Would you excuse me? (to Xena) This plan of yours, does it involve humiliating that horse's ass?

Xena: Yep.

Autolycus: Then I'm in.

Locked Up and Tied Down [4.07]

Gabrielle: What in Tartarus have you been carrying on these shoulders?

Xena: I wouldn't know. I try not to over analyze my life like some people.

Gabrielle: Some people say that an unexamined life is not worth living.

Xena: Those people haven't led my life.

Ursena: You know what I've spent the last two years asking myself? How can that murdering bitch, Xena, send people away to be punished? You never had to pay for your crimes. That's always bothered me.

Xena: Then we have something in common. It's always bothered me too.

Crusader [4.08]

Najara: Would you like to join our mission?

Xena: What's your mission.

Najara: To fight Evil wherever we find it.

Xena: Can you be a little more specific?

Najara: It's a great curse to have seen one's death.

Xena: The jinn told you?

Najara: Yes, but not everything. Your vision, does it ...

Xena: Yes, it includes Gabrielle.

Najara: Does she know?

Xena: No.

Najara: That's fortunate for her.

Xena: Do you think it can be avoided?

Najara: Of course, I believe our destiny is in our hearts. But it will take drastic measures to change an event foreseen in your soul's eye.

Najara: The Light will triumph, Xena.

Xena: Quit preaching and fight!

Xena: Did you tell her about the vision?

Najara: No, that would hurt her and I don't ever want to do that. That's your job.

Past Imperfect [4.09]

Gabrielle: Are you sure I was dying? Xena, the gods know that I have been tied to a cross before. You helped me then, what makes you think that this ‘vision' is different?

Xena: It was so real ... the way you looked ... the mountain in the background ... it's true, or it could be.

Gabrielle: Well, I'm not going to believe it.

Gabrielle: What happened?

Xena: I just got out-smarted by my own tactics.

Xena: It's alright, he just wants out.

Borias: Soon, soon I will see my son and I can name him.

Xena: And you can take him from me. What about us?

Borias: There is very little left of 'us' anymore, Xena. The only reason our two armies haven't crossed blades is because of a common purpose.

Xena: And what would that be? It certainly isn't Corinth, you can't convince me of that. No, there's only one reason why you stayed. You want to take this away from me.

Borias: As any father would. If my son stays here he'll become a target for your enemies. He'll see things a child should not see, and ...

Xena: He'll become like me.

Satrina: Oh Xena, the moment I realized you were in command I was ecstatic. Of all the people I have studied you were the most complex, the most brilliant of minds I have defeated thus far. You see, Xena, I never did have that much in the way of muscle, never. But, I am a survivor and I have this incredible ability to put myself in my enemies head. So when I found myself in your custody I realized this was my one chance to learn from the best. That's why I couldn't allow you to see Borias that night. Oh yes, the night your son was born, you had just taken the Santra flower potion and Borias' army attacked.

Xena: What's the matter, you having trouble getting inside my head right now? Let me help you. You killed Borias, the man who could have changed everything for me if only I had let him. You killed the father of my child and if he had lived then maybe my son would ... you getting inside my head now?

Gabrielle: (re: Satrina) Do you think she made it?

Xena: Probably, like she said, she's a survivor.

The Key to the Kingdom [4.10]

Autolycus: Xena? Ha ha ha! Hey, small world, huh? You have business here? Everything seems to be closed. Say, how'd you like to grab a bite to eat? I know this great little place, you'd ... C'mon, Xena, it's just a lousy little ruby. It's not even worth talking about. They won't even know that it's gone.

Guard: Look! The ruby! It's gone!

Autolycus: Oh, alright ... (throws the ruby over the wall)

Guard: The ruby! It's back!

Autolycus: I gave it back. You happy now?

Xena/Meg: What are ya? Stupid or something? That thing was worth a fortune!

Meg: You'd be surprised what a young, nubile guard will scream out when he's about to ...

Joxer: ... meet his maker.

Joxer: Look, Joxer the Mighty brings Xena Warrior Princess and Autolycus the King of Thieves ...

Meg: ... a.k.a. Mr. Stinky ...

Joxer: ... in chains.

Autolycus: In chains?

Joxer: Look look look, let me explain it to you. They're grateful. They make me a lord of the realm and ruler of the treasury. ‘More wine, m'lord?' No no. Ha ha! See? I sneak into the treasury, take the key from one of the guards, say something like, ‘What's that over there?!' You know? Then I free you two and we walk off rich into the sunset. What do ya think?

Autolycus: I think it's inbreeding.

Autolycus: [hits Joxer on the head] Just as I thought, it's hollow.

Meg: I have a shamrock and I know how to use it.

Meg: You see those? They're stars. When I was a little girl, I used to think that all those little lights came from houses in the sky and each one of those houses had a happy family around a cozy fire, and the lights came from all the open windows. And I used to think that at every window there was a little girl just like me looking out at the other lights, and I wondered what it would be like to be one of them. Well, one day we're gonna be one of those little lights. That's a promise.

Kryptos: Xena?! Two Xena's?!

Xena: That's right, makes you want to cry like a baby, doesn't it?

Daughter of Pomira [4.11]

Gabrielle: You're honoring the river, kaltaka.

Vanessa: Honor life.

Xena: Well, you have a funny way of showing it. They killed hundreds of us.

Vanessa: You killers. You kill trees, earth, all. And when we say ‘no, go from here,' you kill Pomira.

Xena: Gabrielle, because of you, Rahl and Adiah now know that their daughter is alive and happy, and not dead like they thought. And because of you, Vanessa has two loving homes. And because of you, for the first time ever, there is peace between us and the Hor ... the Pomira.

Gabrielle: I did all that? And they call you the hero?

Xena: You wanna switch? Fine. You kick butt and I'll take notes.

If The Shoe Fits [4.12]

Xena: Why did you run?

Alesia: Have you ever heard Joxer tell a story?

Xena: Well, that's a good point, but all fairy tales have a purpose, and even when Joxer tells them there's a message there.

Alesia: Yeah... run.

Paradise Found [4.13]

Gabrielle: It's beautiful, don't you think?

Xena: Yeah, in that yucky-I'm-in-paradise kind of way.

Xena: You've got a good heart, Gabrielle, it's pure and it's honest and no one should ever hurt you.

Devi [4.14]

Xena: I'm warning you, Tataka, get out while you still can.

Tataka (in Gabrielle's body): And give up this face and this firm, strong body? Not a chance.

Between the Lines [4.15]

Naima: There is a great Evil in the future that is hunting Xena's soul. It has found her. If it succeeds, Xena's karmic cycle will end, along with all the good of her future lives.

Gabrielle: Who is her enemy?

Naima: I don't know. I had to send her there quickly to defend herself. I was not able to tell her much before she left.

Gabrielle: Send me there.

Naima: I'm not sure that's wise.

Gabrielle: This ‘karma' that you're talking about, can you see mine? Can you see how much Xena is a part of that?

Naima: Yes, in many lives ... past and future.

Alti: What's she told you about me, little girl? Has she told you about my powers? Has she told you about this? (shows Gabrielle Xena's vision of their deaths) That's my gift to you. That's your future. She's responsible for your death.

Xena: You BITCH!

The Way [4.16]

Hanuman: How wonderful. You climb tress just like one of us. You must have learned from monkeys.

Xena: Nope. Amazons.

Krishna: You must open up you heart to me if you are going to tap into the strength which will allow you to defeat Indrijit.

Xena: I thought that's what the prayers were for.

Krishna: That got my attention. Now you have to go one step further. You have to embrace the Way.

Xena: The Way? I've heard about the Way in Greece, Chin, Anatolia and now India. I don't get it. The Way is not for people like me.

Krishna: You're wrong. You're very close to the Way now. However, missing it by the width of a hair is the same as missing it by the height of a mountain.

Xena: That close, I don't think so. I don't have the patience of Gabrielle, the Love of Eli or the serenity of my mentor Lao Ma. I'm just an angry, ass-kicking ...

Krishna: ... warrior.

Xena: Yes, a warrior.

Krishna: You say that with disgust.

Xena: Well, it doesn't rank up there with the saints, does it?

The Play's The Thing [4.17]

Dustinus: Oh, by the way, I do not play quadrupeds. Make sure the role reflects that.

Gabrielle: What?

Dustinus: I do not play four-legged creatures.

Gabrielle: But, you're a centaur.

Dustinus: I am an Actor. I refuse to limit myself.

Critic #1: I just don't buy that Xena.

Critic #2: There's the opening of Buffus the Bacchae Slayer across the street.

The Convert [4.18]

Najara: I've changed, Xena. I put down the sword.

Xena: And I'm the Queen of Egypt.

Najara: We walk the same path, Gabrielle, our lives dedicated to defeating Evil by promoting Peace. It's our Way, the Way Eli taught us. A reverence for life. Stray from that path, whatever the reason, the consequences could be devastating for everyone.

Xena: New outfit. New religion. Same old wacko underneath.

Xena: You hurt Gabrielle and I will change you in ways that are anything but peaceful.

Najara: You forget, hurting Gabrielle is your job, or have those visions gone away? You know, the vision of your death and hers. I want to share a life of Peace with her, you want to share a violent death. You tell me who's the villain here, me or you.

Takes One to Know One [4.19]

Xena: I gotta ask you this, Mom. You killed once before to protect me. Is history repeating itself?

Cyrene: That was different. I was protecting a child.

Xena: Well, you know what they say, no matter what your age, you're always a chid to your mother.

Autolycus: Big job running a tavern. Lot's of things to keep track of, huh? Food. Drink. Keys. Hey, what do you know, there's a key to my room, and to Xena's, and to Joxer's. Of course, you'd have a key to every room in the place wouldn't you, Cyrene?

Cyrene: Meaning.

Autolycus: Meaning you must know every creaky floor board and squeaky hinge in the place. Why, you could float around like a ghost if you had to.

Autolycus: Bounty hunter checks in, and despite what she says, I think she knew it. You also knew that it was damn likely that your daughter would be on her list.

Xena: Autolycus, we've already had this conversation.

Autolycus: Then you must admit, no one has the means or a stronger motive than your own dear, over-protective mother. Sorry, Cyrene, tough break. Book her, Xena. I'm outta here.

Xena: He's an idiot.

Joxer: I still say it was Minya in the bedroom with a knife.

Minya: Would you can it! This isn't some sort of game, you know.

Cyrene: She's right. Discord has long ears. She could show up at any time.

Joxer: That's exactly my point. You keep talking about her ears and she will show up.

Xena: What are you saying?! You can't have killed her, you weren't even here.

Gabrielle: I know, but if it wasn't the knife, it had to have been me. You see, I ran into Raveneka two days ago. I heard she was hot on your trail so I decided to slow her down a bit. I thought I could get here first and warn you. So, I put Joxer's gravy recipe in her water bag.

Xena: That's inhuman!

Discord: You're telling me your horse killed her?

Xena: In self-defense.

Autolycus: You gotta admit, fits like a Trojan glove.

Discord: But I can't take back a horse. I don't do animals.

Minya: That's not what I heard.

Endgame [4.20]

Ephiny: We look first and then we attack.

Amarice: In my tribe looking first is like giving a warning.

Ephiny: What does your tribe think about following orders?

Xena: You know, Gabrielle, there's only one way you can know have the fish really feel, and that's to become one with them.

Gabrielle: Don't do it. Xena, this outfit takes forever to dry.

Xena: Oh, well, I've got time.

Gabrielle: Hello, Brutus.

Brutus: Gabrielle, they told me you were the new leader of this tribe.

Gabrielle: Thanks to you. You killed Ephiny, our Queen ... my friend.

Brutus: Ephiny, that was her name. One of the best fighters I've met. She died as a warrior and for that I have no guilt in my actions.

Amarice: Hey, Roman, have you ever witnessed an Amazon execution before? I don't know how they do it here, but in my tribe it took a long, long time. And as the life oozed out of you, we talk to you and ask you how it felt.

Brutus: You're such a child. I've seen death that you could never dream of. And the fact that you told me that story means that you never saw it, or you're a fool.

Brutus: This is a personal message from the Queen of the Amazons to Caesar, Ruler of all Rome. A peace treaty. The Queen of the Amazons promises to respect the territories of ...

Caesar: If they're not under my control, Brutus, they're a threat.

Amarice: I was thinking about what you said, Xena, about not finding my answers at the end of a sword, and it seemed to make sense. And then I started thinking about old Pompey and it seems to me that he found an answer at the end of yours.

Gabrielle: Amarice, did you not find any philosophy behind those words?

Amarice: Yeah, kick butt and take names later.

Xena: (to Gabrielle) It's going to take some time.

The Ides of March [4.21]

Callisto: You mean to tell me those stupid, meddling missions she goes on are going to end her up in Paradise?!

Hellion: Probably not Paradise. Most likely she'll be born higher up the Karmic ladder.

Callisto: Right, she burns my family, destroys my life and I end up in Hell while she gets another shot. That's fair.

Illusion Xena: Gotta love the irony.

Eli: Selfless, pure Love is the only divine perfection we have in this world. It is the greatest power one can possess.

Amarice: Oh C'mon, the only real power is at the end of a sword .

(Later, Amarice runs into Roman soldiers carrying swords)

Eli: And if the other side has more swords?

Amarice: If you can love your way out of this one, be my guest.

Callisto: Don't bother, you've already done all the damage you can to me. Thanks, by the way.

Xena: For what?

Callisto: I wanted to leave this existence and you did your best to help. But, as you can see, it didn't take. They wouldn't let me off the hook that easy.

Xena: Who's They?

Callisto: I don't know, whoever it is who does the final judging. They sent me to a place that makes Tartarus look like the Elysian Fields. They call it Hell.

Xena: Couldn't have happened to a nicer gal.

Gabrielle: You don't really think those crosses are for a boat load of pirates, do you?

Brutus: Caesar's never lied to me.

Gabrielle: There's a first time for everything.

Fallen Angel [5.01]

Gabrielle: Callisto... when Xena burned your family did you see them on fire? Did you... did you smell their flesh sizzling? Do you know what I think? You wanted them to die so you'd have a reason to be a bitch.

Callisto: Love is the way.

Chakram [5.02]

Joxer: I can't have you dying again and not have you know.

Gabrielle: Know what?

Joxer: Oh brother, I had this all worked out in my head and now...

Gabrielle: Joxer, will you hurry? Please.

Joxer: I love you. I'm in love with you.

Animal Attraction [5.04]

Xena: Maybe you didn't hear me, Doctor. Getting pregnant requires a certain physical element that I haven't have for a long time... I'm talking a very long time. I'm a love-free zone, so it is utterly impossible that I be up the duff! What's you're diagnosis now?

Physician: Mood swings! (Xena lets him go and he falls over)

Xena: I thought so!

Gabrielle: You don't have the slighest idea?

Xena: No. Look we've been through this a thousand times. I don't.

Gabrielle: How could you not know? I just find that hard to believe, you know.

Xena: Tell me.

Gabrielle: Ares. Maybe he did...a god thing.

Xena: No.

Gabrielle: OK, fine. When was the last time you saw Hercules?

Them Bones, Them Bones [5.05]

Alti: Well, if it isn't Xena's little bitch. (brings Gabrielle over to her) Welcome to the doghouse!

Purity [5.06]

Message from Lao Ma: The hawk and the dove must be made one with the wisdom.

Seeds of Faith [5.09]

Ares: I never knew you were looking for a father.

Xena: I'm not.

Ares: Well then someone clearly has the job.

Xena: Yeah, Gabrielle.

[Gabrielle smirks]

Ares: I would have paid to see that.

Eli: You don't need a sacred dagger or a sword. Love will be our shield and our weapon.

Ares: You'll always be a goody-two-shoes!

Gabrielle: Yeah, but with a really big sword.

God Fearing Child [5.12]

Ares: You have no idea how glad I am to see you again.

Hercules: You don't know how little I give a damn.

Ares: Well, you've been lucky so far, little brother. I've always gone kind of easy on you.

Hercules: Oh, so all those other times I knocked you flat on your ass you were just pretending?

Ares: I was worried what Dad would do if I really hurt you. You've always been his favorite.

Hercules: You see, that's the difference between you and me, I never really cared what 'Daddy' thought.

Solan: Hades told me that in the Elysian Fields, you don't even know that you're dead. You just live the same day over and over, thinking your family's going to be home any minute, but they never come. The next morning, it just starts all over again.

Xena: That's so you don't miss the people you left behind.

Solan: If not missing you means not seeing you, I'd rather stay here. At least this way, I'd still get to be with you.

Hercules: I never thought I'd say this ... I believe you. But, how can I be sure you aren't going to change your mind?

Hera: Because of a lesson I regret teaching you a long time ago, Hercules. Parents should never outlive their children.

Xena: I am pregnant, not brain damaged.

Xena: We're going to be together now, Eve. You and me and your brother, forever and ever ... you hear that Solan? Forever.

Coming Home [6.1]

Xena: The great God of War can't even hurt a fly.

Ares: Xena, you came.

Xena: [catches fly] Lucky for you. That fly nearly had you.

Ares: What happened to the peace-loving, blond chick you used to be?

Gabrielle: Ares, [plants herself on his lap] that Gabrielle's been gone for a long time. You and Xena showed me that warriors rule the world, not philosophers.

Ares: I could get used to this. I could.

Eve: Believe me, you don't want to make me angry.

Xena: "If he's not insane, then I'm not a Fury. [morphs into Alecto]

Varia: You alright?

Eve: Yeah.

Varia: You took care of my sister Amazons before you took care of yourself. Thank you.

Eve: My wound was a small one.

Varia: That old scar's a bad one. Take a look at this.[shows Eve a thick scar on her shoulder]

Eve: Wow.

Varia: A Roman short sword. The man who did it died before he had the time to wipe his blade.

Eve: [turns around to expose a long scar on her lower back] Gaelic spear. The man who did it, his entire regiment, his village and two neighboring villages destroyed before the sun went down.

Varia: I was right. You were a serious warrior.

Varia: Don't you miss it? The knot in your stomach as you prepare for war.

Eve: The quiet after a tough battle?

Varia: Yeah.

Eve: Victory snatched from the jaws of defeat. Death so close, then suddenly driven away...no, I don't miss it.

Varia: I've only seen one warrior do that move. I knew I recognized you from someplace. You're Livia, Bitch of Rome.

Marga: Are you challenging me?

Gabrielle: If it comes to that, I am challenging you.

Varia: Mommy won't save you this time.

Eve: "If that's my destiny, so be it."

Xena: "That sword had better be for Ares' men. What Eve did to your people was unforgivable. But she is my daughter, and if anything happens to her while she's in your custody you'll have me to deal with, and trust me … you're not ready for that."

Ares: "You don't bring me flowers anymore.

Xena: "You're soft, like all the Olympians. You know, I killed all the others, Ares. But maybe I stopped too soon."

Xena: "You might be a mortal, Ares, but you will never be a man!"

Ares: "It's not the end of the world. Who knows, maybe as a mortal I can experience something I never could as a god."

Xena: "Like what?"

Ares: "Like you."

Ares: [tries to disapparate with his non-existent powers] I gotta stop trying that. I'm gonna rupture something.

The Haunting of Amphipolis [6.2]

Mephistopheles: Now you see you can't harm me here.

Xena: If you come into my realm, I will kill you before you take a step.

Mephistopheles: And then take my throne?

Xena: What are you talking about?

Mephistopheles: Whoever kills me must take my place and reign over Hell. And frankly, Xena, I don't think you're up to the job.

Heart of Darkness [6.3]

Lucifer: Aren't you two inspiring? Michael and Raphael, chief warrior angels of the Chief himself, quaking like a couple of frightened children.

Michael: You're very sure of yourself, aren't you?

Lucifer: I'm sure of both my faith and my devotion, which has fueled my speedy ascent through the hierarchy. A climb that will continue with a promotion to Seraphin.

Michael: And how do you plan to do that?

Lucifer: By throwing Xena down into Hell myself.

Michael: You realize Xena has the power to destroy angels.

Lucifer: She will use that power unless I send her to Hell.

Michael: Very well. Proceed.

...

Raphael: He just may be the right one for the job.

Michael: He may be perfect.

Xena: Congratulations, Lucifer, you just won the Deadly Sin Lottery with a perfect score of seven out of seven.

Lucifer: I'm still hot for you, Xena. Only now, I'm bigger, stronger, and more powerful than ever.

Xena: That doesn't begin to make up for the attributes you lost. [shows him his reflection]

Lucifer: What? What have you done to me?

Xena: Only what I suspect Michael wanted all along -- to put you in touch with your inner demon. Your kingdom awaits!

Xena: I was kinda in the middle of something Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: Xena you were supposed to throw him in the portal.

Xena: Yeah well he wasn't ready.

Gabrielle: Xena no one is ready to go to hell. That's the point.

Xena: Really? Well you and Virgil were looking ready to burn not long ago.

Gabrielle: Yeah, so?

Xena: Evil, the dark side. It's intoxicating isn't it?

Gabrielle: Oh yeah it's intoxicating.

Who's Gurkhan [6.4]

Gabrielle: (to Gurkhan) Are you afraid? Afraid like my mother? My father? Like my sister's husband? Right before you cut off their heads. If I kill you... you win. I become like you, I hate you.

Legacy [6.5]

Kahina: Funny how the Romans showed up just in time to save your friend. Almost like it was planned.

Xena: You got the fight you wanted. Stop complaining.

Kahina: [to Gabrielle] Left a few details out of those scrolls, didn't you?

The Abyss [6.6]

Gabrielle: Xena, my reflexes are those of a warrior. My judgment isn't. I'm afraid that's a bad combination.

The Ring [6.8]

Gabrielle: There's more to being a warrior than skill. There's fighting for what you believe in. For people that you love.

Brunnhilda: You know, before I met you, I never thought of a warrior as having any love but the love of battle.

Gabrielle: [to Brunnhilda] What are you fighting for? You want to win my love? You're going to shed blood for what? For me? You call that love? You're sick.

Return Of The Valkyrie [6.9]

Xena: Are you a demon? Or my own mind made mad?

Vision Gabrielle: I am the truth of who you are. Our souls are united, Xena.

Rhein Maiden: What magic has made Xena into such a noble creature, that she would give up the power of the Rheingold?

Xena: (looks at Gabrielle and smiles) It wasn't magic.

Old Ares Had A Farm [6.10]

(Gabrielle rolls over in bed and her hand hits Ares in the groin)

Ares: (weakly) I'm in Tartarus.

Dangerous Prey [6.11]

Marga: Varia will try to avenge me. If she dies, the Amazons are lost. Promise me you'll protect her.

Xena: I promise, Marga.

Marga: Teach her to be a true warrior, as you are. The fate of the Amazons [gives beaded necklace to Xena] is in your hands.

Xena: (to Varia) Look, if you don't want my help, that's your choice, but just know that your sisters will live or die by what you decide to do.

Prince Morlock: If I had known how much fun you Amazons would be, I'd have come to this country years ago.

Xena: I'm not an Amazon.

Prince Morlock: But you're so tall.

Xena: It's the boots.

Prince Morlock: I don't usually do this, but I'd like to know your name before I kill you.

Xena: You first.

Prince Morlock: I'm Prince Chesnick Bloodicarr Morlock, Upper Scheherazadestan.

Xena: Xena of Amphipolis -- Warrior Princess, Warrior Mom -- who conquers Prince Chesty Forlock of Whatever-stan.

Prince Morlock: Ooh, I nicked you.

Xena: Where'd you get that -- shaving? (motions to a cut on his face)

Prince Morlock: No one ever drew my blood before.

Xena: There's plenty more where that came from.

The God You Know [6.12]

Gabrielle: Xena, there was nothing you could do. He was evil.

Xena: No, he was damaged, he wasn't evil.

Aphrodite: (keeps trying to disapparate) It's not fair!

Ares: Welcome to my nightmare.

You Are There [6.13]

(Xena and Gabrielle are getting ready for a television interview)

Xena: Hey! [swats a pesky make-up girl away]

Gabrielle: [having a microphone hooked to her top] Hey, watch where you put your hands!

Xena: Yeah, you watch where you put your hands, buddy.

Nigel: But what you're saying is that most of these passengers are here because of Xena?

Charon: Raw numbers? Nah. She's a drop in the bucket. But Xena has sent me some pretty heavy hitters: Elynus of Mycenae, Marc Antony, Velasca, Callisto, you can even make a case for Caesar himself. These people do not lose their mortal coils without a fight.

Caligula: Hey! Sometime this eternity!

Charon: Unlike this guy who's just been asking for a one-way ticket to the Underworld, if you ask me.

Charon: Oh, there's one more thing I would like to say. At least Xena pays her fare, unlike another so-called super hero I know, more like super-cheapskate. That's right. I'm talking about you, Hercules.

Nigel: Please, try not to cover anything up.

Lucifer: Cover anything up? I'm the Devil, you idiot! I'm really bad. I'm evil incarnate. What do I have to cover up?

Lucifer: You're a real pain. I can't wait to get you down here.

Nigel: Uh, with respect, sir, that's not going to happen. I'm not a murdering warlord. No, no, no. I'm an award winning investigative journalist. I'm a member of the fifth estate.

Lucifer: Like I said, I can't wait to get my claws into you.

Nigel: Then why is Xena trying to steal the Golden Apples? And why is she shacked up with Ares? Did you know that? That's the same Ares that killed Eli while your mother stood by and did nothing.

Eve: You want to know about my mother? [gives him a good shove] I will tell you about my mother, you little sh*t! If my mother is with Ares, you can bet she's got a pretty f*cking good reason!

Nigel: Are you still jealous that Ares was obsessed with your mother the entire time he was sleeping with you?

Eve: [being held back by her fellow Elijans] You f*cking brat! Stay the Hell away from my mother! You stay the f*ck away from me or I will kick your f*cking ass!

Nigel: Not the kind of words you would expect to hear from Eve, the Messenger of Eli. [following in Eve's wake] Whatever happened to walking the path of light, Eve?

Eve: F*ck off!

Nigel: You want your mother on Olympus, don't you? You want to see the God of War put back on his throne so Xena and Ares can continue your bloody ménage et trois? [gets decked by Eve then turns to camera] Tell me you got that. You got that, didn't you?

Madam: Calling number 27! One Thor's Hammer! We'll make you feel like the God of Thunder!

Ares: 27! Yo, I got 27!

Nigel: Ares, the former God of War!

Ares: No, I'm not … crap! [runs out of the tavern]

Nigel: We found Ares, the former God of War, half naked and stinking of booze in a bordello.

Ares: I'm trying to get laid! I'm not a criminal!

Nigel: Wait! Hold it! [to camera] And now, ladies and gentlemen, a world exclusive -- for the first time anywhere, Xena and Gabrielle reveal the true nature of their relationship. Gabrielle, Xena, are you two lovers?

Xena: You want the truth?

Nigel: That's right, Xena, we want the truth. The whole world wants the truth.

Xena: It's like this, technically... [the camera begins to fade in and out and then finally the screen has only two words on it: STAND BY]

Nigel: What?! It's dead?! The battery! This is the world's greatest story and you're telling me the battery is dead?! I don't believe this! Oh, man!

Path of Vengeance [6.14]

Ares: (voice only) Xena, tell me, have you heard the story of the scorpion and the swan?

Xena: You haven't even got the guts to face me.

Ares: See, the scorpion needs to get across the river, and he asks the swan for a ride. And the swan figures it's not much of a risk. The scorpion wouldn't sting the creature who's carrying him over the raging river.

Xena: My daughter's about to die because of you, and you're feeding me fairy tales?

Ares: (appears behind Xena) Bear with me, it's worth the wait. So, about halfway across, the scorpion stings the swan, and as they're both being swept to their death, the swan asks the scorpion, "I was helping you. Why did you sting me?" And the scorpion answers...

Xena: "It's what I do."

Ares: Yeah, it's what I do.

Ares: Hey, can I help it if I've played this like the malevolent genius I am? Remember what the scorpion said.

Xena: Ares, the scorpion drowned.

(Xena has fought Varis to show her where the path of vengence leads. Varia decides not to take Ares' path)

Ares: You had this planned all along. You are so good.

Xena: It's what I do.

Ares: And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Varia: As queen of the Amazon nation, I hereby sentence Livia, killer of the Amazons, to death. (gasps are heard among the chamber) So that Eve, the messenger of peace, may live.

To Helicon and Back [6.15]

Varia: To a strong Amazon nation.

Gabrielle: To a strong Amazon nation.

Varia: How's the eye?

Gabrielle: How's the hand?

Varia: Fine. Why?

Gabrielle: I thought maybe you sprained it on my face

Gabrielle: Queen Mawu-Ka, Queen Gwyn-Teir, your friend, Bane, their blood, on the shores of this land. Our sisters have died, but death is not an end to their spirits. Death, it's a pathway to an afterlife. And when it is my time to join them, I want to know that I can grasp them by the hands, I can look them, all in the eyes, and tell them, that their blood was not shed without purpose, that we finished the job that they began. More of us may die today, but the Amazon nation. It will live on forever. That is the duty that we carry, and the everlasting honor that we will hold.

Send in the Clones [6.16]

Clea: Let's start with the official video salute to Gabrielle to the tune of Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings".

Mac: Whoa, they need a wake-up call, not sleep aids.

Clea: You cut her hair! I wanted her to have long hair, like classic Gabby!

Mac: Only in the reruns babe!

Clea: Um, how much do you remember?

Mac: She remembers the pinch pretty good. Hey! I just got pinched by Xena!

Mac: So, what do you guys think of the show?

Xena: I like the one who plays me. She's kinda sexy.

Gabrielle: What about this writing, Xena? I mean, it's not exactly Euripides. They've taken liberties with my scrolls.

Xena: Yeah, and what are they trying to say about our relationship, anyway?

Gabrielle: Who knows.

Mac: Xena, um...you know...uh...you and Ares...uh...did you...um...ever...you know...well...

Xena: Get a life, pervert.

Last of the Centaurs [6.17]

Ephiny & Gabrielle: Moon shines bright, by fire's light. Amazon baby, sleep tonight.

Xenon: A lot of people know that song.

Ephiny & Gabrielle: Hush-a-bye. Please don't cry. Xenon sings his lullaby.

Xena: Word of advice for ya, kid, never step between two people and their passion.

Xena: I will kill you, Belach.

Belach: I'm prepared to die for my child.

Xena: Your father was the same.

Belach: When was my father ever willing--

Xena: For our baby! Your brother. You spent your life trying to be the opposite to your father, but what you don't know is that when he grew away from me, he grew into a better man.

...

Xena: Borias died trying to change what he'd become. That was the real story of your father. How will your story end, Belach?

When Fates Collide [6.18]

Xena: Leave us.

Joxer: [as a Roman centurion] But Caesar said...

Xena: ...to enrage the Empress until she beats the tar out of you?

Joxer: I must have missed that one.

Xena: You brought the world back to us.

Gabrielle: I'm glad. I like this one better.

Xena: Even though you're not a famous playwright?

Gabrielle: Fame, who needs it?

Gabrielle: Did you really like my play?

Xena: It was alright. Maybe it could have done with a few more fight scenes.

Gabrielle: Everyone's a critic.

Many Happy Returns [6.19]

Xena: "What is that?" … [pulls a telescope out of Argo's bag and proceeds to look through it the wrong way]

Gabrielle: "Xena, give me that … huh, I don't see anything." … [pulls the telescope away to reveal a dark ring around her eye]

Xena: "My mistake."

Ferragus: Xena, the warrior pain in my ass!

Xena: Aphrodite, meet Genia … a virgin.

Genia: I don't believe it.

Aphrodite: I don't either! I thought you guys were extinct!

Aphrodite: For future reference, I'm now Mighty Aphrodite.

Gabrielle: You know, how did you fall for my fish guts gag?

Xena: I don't know.

Gabrielle: You knew that I would go crazy waiting for you to get even. Xena, didn't see it coming. [tries to take a drink out of a cup, which promptly spills all over her]

Xena: Nor that. Now, we're even.

Xena: "Here, give me that (taking the cup away from Gabrielle). I want you to close your eyes."

Gabrielle: "No."

Xena: "Trust me, please."

Gabrielle: "No."

Xena: "Close your eyes."(places a scroll in Gabrielle's lap)

Gabrielle: "What is this?"

Xena: "Open it. I had Sappho jot something down for you."

Gabrielle: "A poem? Sappho wrote a poem for me. I don't believe it. Xena, you had this planned all along, didn't you? (Gabrielle reads the poem) ... There's a moment when I look at you And no speech is left in me My tongue breaks Then fire races under my skin and I tremble And grow pale for I am dying of such love Or so it seems to me.'"

Gabrielle: "It's beautiful. This is the best birthday present I have ever had."

Xena: 'Course, it ain't over yet. [puts the helmet on and the girls fly off into the sunset together] Happy birthday, Gabrielle!

Soul Possession [6.20]

Xena Fan #1: Hey, how did you get over the horror of finding out you were that bumbling idiot, Joxer?

Annie/Joxer: Hey, Joxer was no fool. The guy they got to play him was a goofball, that's all. He was the producer's brother, for crying out loud.

Xena Fan #2: At least you got to hang out with Xena and Gabby in a past life. We can't lay claims to anything that cool.

Xena Fan #2: Speaking of the Warrior Princess and the Bard, what happened when your boyfriend, Harry, found out he was Xena in a past life?

Xena Fan #1: And then your past lives counselor was none other than his beloved sidekick, Gabrielle.

Annie/Joxer: [looking sick] They got hitched.

Xena Fan #1: Decent. Xena and Gabby finally a couple.

Xena Fan #2: Wait till we tell the rest of the fans.

Mattie/Gabrielle: Nice driving, dear. Oh, that was the most fabulous vacation since our honeymoon, and I thought that nothing could top that. Wasn't it fascinating how being back in Greece brought back our lives as Xena and Gabrielle?

Harry/Xena: Yeah, except I shouldn't have had those last two goat cheese milkshakes.

Mattie/Gabrielle: Is my little Warrior Princess' tummy still bothering him?

(Ares bursts into the press conference)

Roxanne: Did you schedule any celebrity appearances?

Fred: No, we contacted Bruce Campbell, but he was too much money.

Ares: Stay right there [tries to zap Xena/Annie, who holds out the contract, which is incinerated] Un-freakin' believable!

Annie/Xena: Ares made it, Ares destroyed it. I guess this means you ain't got no soul.

A Friend in Need, Part 1 [6.21]

Xena: I mean, Gabrielle, what are we gonna do? Wander around Greece our whole lives looking for trouble? Why don't we go away? Far away? What do ya say?

Gabrielle: I can't believe you're awake, much less listening to me.

Xena: Let's go south to the land of the Pharaohs. I hear they're in need of a girl with a chakram.

Akemi: I know you're a good man. In the teahouse, I felt the compassion in your heart. Don't fear me.

Kenji: Who? Who was that demon?

Akemi: The Lord of the Dark Land. He's preparing an army to wage war in Higuchi and slowly, the populace. Honorable monk [hands him a samurai sword] I beg you to do what must be done to stop him enslaving the souls of that city.

Kenji: But I'm no swordsman.

Akemi: There's one in the west, far beyond the setting sun.

Kenji: A samurai? A priest? A god?

Akemi: No, a warrior princess.

Xena: I'm just a girl in search of a really good sword.

Xena: If I only have thirty seconds to live.

Gabrielle: We're going to be together … for eternity.

Gabrielle: You brought out the best in me.

Xena: Gabrielle, this is how I want to live them, looking into your eyes.

A Friend in Need, Part 2 [6.22]

Gabrielle: It's too quiet out here.

Xena: Gabrielle, what would you do? Listen not just to the sounds, but what's behind the sounds. Always remember that I love you.

Samurai: I deserve to dignity of a warrior.

Gabrielle: Dignity, huh? Like you showed my friend? [throws the chakram at him which ricochets off his head and a few boulders, and then returns to her waiting hand]

[Having finally regained possession of Xena's ashes, Gabrielle opens the urn to dip it into the Fountain of Strength. Xena places a hand on the urn.]

Xena: No, Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: Xena.

Xena: No.

Gabrielle: Xena, the sun is setting. I have to bring you back to life.

Xena: No, not if it means condemning the souls of the forty thousand who burned at Higuchi.

Gabrielle: The souls are free.

Xena: They're free from Yodoshi's grasp. Akemi didn't want to tell me this in case I wouldn't come back to help … but for those souls to be released into a state of grace, they must be avenged. I must stay dead.

Gabrielle: But if I bring you back to life...

Xena: ...The souls will be lost forever.

Gabrielle: Xena, that is not right. I don't care. You're all that matters to me.

Xena: Don't you know how much I want to let you do this? But if there's a reason for our travels together, it's because I had to learn from you, enough to know the final, the good, the right thing to do. I can't come back. I can't.

Gabrielle: I love you, Xena. How am I supposed to go on without you?

Xena: I'll always be with you, Gabrielle. Always.

Gabrielle: [sailing back across the sea, holding Xena's ashes close] A life of journeying has brought you to the farthest lands, to the very edge of the earth.

Xena: [appearing beside her friend] And to the place where I'll always remain - your heart.

Xena: So where to now?

Gabrielle: I think we should go south to the land of the Pharaohs. I hear they need a girl with a chakram.

Xena: Where you go … I'm at your side.

Gabrielle: I knew you'd say that.