'A Germ-Destroyer' is a short story by Rudyard Kipling

Rudyard Kipling

Joseph Rudyard Kipling was an English poet, short-story writer, and novelist chiefly remembered for his celebration of British imperialism, tales and poems of British soldiers in India, and his tales for children. Kipling received the 1907 Nobel Prize for Literature...

. It was first published in the Civil and Military Gazette

Civil and Military Gazette

The Civil and Military Gazette was a daily English language newspaper founded in 1872 in British India. It was published from Lahore, Simla and Karachi, some times simultaneously, until its closure in 1963.-History:...

on May 17, 1887, in the first Indian edition of Plain Tales from the Hills

Plain Tales from the Hills

Plain Tales from the Hills is the first collection of short stories by Rudyard Kipling. Out of its 40 stories, "eight-and-twenty", according to Kipling's Preface, were initially published in the Civil and Military Gazette in Lahore, Punjab, British India, between November 1886 and June 1887...

in 1888, and in subsequent editions of that collection. The story is one of Kipling's essays into farcical humour - with his frequent sardonic glances at the oddities of the way that the world works: here, the administrative world of the British Raj

British Raj

British Raj was the British rule in the Indian subcontinent between 1858 and 1947; The term can also refer to the period of dominion...

. He tells of the new Viceroy

Viceroy

A viceroy is a royal official who runs a country, colony, or province in the name of and as representative of the monarch. The term derives from the Latin prefix vice-, meaning "in the place of" and the French word roi, meaning king. A viceroy's province or larger territory is called a viceroyalty...

 who has arrived with a Private Secretary called Wonder, who is trying to run the Indian Empire. ("All Simla

Shimla

Shimla , formerly known as Simla, is the capital city of Himachal Pradesh. In 1864, Shimla was declared the summer capital of the British Raj in India. A popular tourist destination, Shimla is often referred to as the "Queen of Hills," a term coined by the British...

 agreed that there was 'too much Wonder and too little Viceroy

Viceroy

A viceroy is a royal official who runs a country, colony, or province in the name of and as representative of the monarch. The term derives from the Latin prefix vice-, meaning "in the place of" and the French word roi, meaning king. A viceroy's province or larger territory is called a viceroyalty...

 in that rule.'")

The farce of the story begins with the coincidence of two men who want to speak to the Viceroy. There is a monomaniac inventor called Mellish, who has little hope of an audience; and Mellishe, of Madras, who is rich, grandiloquent and important, and has the 'perquisite' of 'conferring with the Viceroy'. They are both staying at the same hotel, and Wonder's invitation to a private lunch with the Viceroy is delivered to the inventor, rather than, as intended, the rich man. The Viceroy is charmed by his guest, who doesn't 'talk shop' till they smoke after lunch. Then Mellish, the Inventor, discourses on cholera, his theory, the 'conspiracy' against him of the medical establishment and so on, until he tips a sample of his patent Fumigatory powder into an ash-tray and lights it. The result is a "most pungent and sickening stench" which fills the entire Viceregal residence. (This is an example of Kipling's schoolboy sense of humour: he was after all only 21 when he wrote this story.) Mellish boasts that "'not a germ could live.'" The residence panics, until "an Aide-de-Camp

Aide-de-camp

An aide-de-camp is a personal assistant, secretary, or adjutant to a person of high rank, usually a senior military officer or a head of state...

, who desired the V.C.

Victoria Cross

The Victoria Cross is the highest military decoration awarded for valour "in the face of the enemy" to members of the armed forces of various Commonwealth countries, and previous British Empire territories....

 [more schoolboy humour] rushed through the rolling clouds and hauled Mellish into the hall." The Viceroy, "prostrate with laughter", repeats "'Not a germ, as you say, could rightly exist! I can swear it. A magnificent success!'"

Wonder arrives and is shocked by the scene. But it becomes a splendid anecdote for the Viceroy, and he uses it to get rid of Wonder (his own plague, or 'germ') by saying, in the latter's hearing, "'And I really thought ... that my dear good Wonder had hired an assassin to clear his way to the throne!'". Whereupon Wonder resigns (on health grounds) - the ending, too, may perhaps be thought of as rather adolescent.

All quotations in this article have been taken from the Uniform Edition of Plain Tales from the Hills

Plain Tales from the Hills

Plain Tales from the Hills is the first collection of short stories by Rudyard Kipling. Out of its 40 stories, "eight-and-twenty", according to Kipling's Preface, were initially published in the Civil and Military Gazette in Lahore, Punjab, British India, between November 1886 and June 1887...

published by Macmillan & Co., Limited in London in 1899. The text is that of the third edition (1890), and the author of the article has used his own copy of the 1923 reprint. Further comment, including page-by-page notes, can be found on the Kipling Society's website.