The current tax code is harder to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegans Wake in a wind tunnel."

Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8 degrees. My kids’ kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

We have now given one of the only 50 states we have to a herd of Simu-Bullwinkles!

For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.

We're not allowed to do anything to nature anymore, except look at it. It's like porn with leaves.

[T]he man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, "You mean I'm not going to prison?"

I'm sorry, those pictures from the Abu Ghraib. At first, they, like infuriated me, I was sad. Then like, a couple days later, after they cut Nicholas Berg|the guy's head off, they didn't seem like much. And now, I like to trade them with my friends.

A new poll of Iraqis shows that more than half of them believe they would be safer if U.S. troops left their country. In a related story, more than half of Americans believe we would be safer if Iraqis stopped answering poll questions and helped us get their damn lights back on, OK? I love that story, a poll of Iraqis want us to leave.

The Pentagon admitted the Iraqi was never given an identification number and that the Red Cross was never notified about his capture. However, [Defense Secretary] Donald Rumsfeld claims the prisoner has been treated in accordance with Geneva Conventions, including regular conjugal visits with his favorite goat.