Excelsior (short story)
Encyclopedia
"Excelsior" is a short story
by P. G. Wodehouse
, which first appeared in the U.K.
edition of Argosy
magazine
on July 1, 1948 under the title "The Hazards of Horace Bewstridge", and was later included in the collection Nothing Serious
(1951). It is one of Wodehouse's many golf stories, told by the Oldest Member
.
The story displays Wodehouse's excellent use of language and humor. It begins with the Oldest Member discussing people who lack the proper golfing spirit ("I have known Bream to concede a hole for the almost frivolous reason that he had sliced his ball into a hornet's nest and was unwilling to play it from where it lay"). He mentions a fine example of a devoted golfer, Horace Bewstridge, and proceeds to tell the man's story.
The local golf course had scheduled a tournament for the President's Cup. On the day before the competition, however, Bewstridge's boss, R. P. Crumbles, tells Bewstridge that he must not win the match. Bewstridge's main opponent, Sir George Copstone, owned a chain of stores that Crumbles wanted to buy, so Crumbles thought Copstone would be more willing to sell if he had just won the President's Cup. Bewstridge was reluctant, so Crumbles informed him that if he failed to do as asked, he would be fired.
The next day, Bewstridge and Copstone do indeed find themselves opposed in the final round. Bewstridge, though required by his boss to lose the game, decides to play for as long as possible before resigning. As the heated game progresses (with Copstone losing a few holes due to a beetle in his coat), however, with the prospect of finally winning the President's Cup within his grasp, Bewstridge becomes more and more determined to win. R. P. Crumbles appears after the ninth hole to remind Bewstridge of his orders. Bewstridge says, "Nuts to you, R. P. Crumbles! Fire me, if you will. This is the only chance I shall ever have of winning the cup, and I'm going to do it."
A tense back-and-forth struggle led slowly to an equal position at the eighteenth hole. A group consisting of Ponsford Botts, Irwin Botts, and the Botts dog, Alfonse, came to watch the remainder of the match. Bewstridge's ball landed two feet from the hole on top of the hill. Copstone, a fighter to the last, hit his ball several feet beyond it. Bewstridge, after lining up his shot, had to re-line-up his shot after the dog Alphonse had picked up his ball and dropped it several yards away. He considered the paths the ball might take, but was unable to concentrate. He ascribed this to the fact that Alphonse was barking madly in his ear. The Oldest Member could guess his thoughts.
"This dog, he was saying to himself, was the apple of Irwin Botts' eye. It was also the apple of Ponsford Botts' eye. To seek it out and kick it in the slats, therefore, would be to shoot that system of his to pieces beyond repair. Irwin Botts would look at him askance. Ponsford Botts would look at him askance. And if they looked at him askance, Vera Witherby would look at him askance, too, for they were presumably the apples of her eye, just as Alfonse was the apple of theirs.
On the other hand, he could not putt with a noise like that going on."
Bewstridge decided that it would be bad to lose Vera Witherby, but not as bad as losing the President's Cup. Therefore, he removed the inhibitant to his attentions, drop-kicking Alphonse off the hill and into the chasm next to it. He was still unable to concentrate, due to Irwin and Ponsford shouting protests in his ears. Bewstridge decided to add them to the contents of the chasm as well. R. P. Crumbles came along and started scolding Bewstridge for a) sending them into the chasm and b) not having lost already to Copstone. He met the same fate, which also came to Mrs. Botts, who began a loud conversation with the chasm's inmates consisting mostly of "What? I can't hear."
Bewstridge was finally able to concentrate. He swung his club, and swung it convulsively when the unexpected voice of Vera Witherby said "Horace!" in his ear. The ball landed directly in the hole. Bewstridge had won the President's Cup. He had also, however, lost his job, and probably all hope of ever marrying the woman he loved. (This is where the Excelsior reference comes in: Excelsior was the name of a poem in which the main character gives up everything just to climb a mountain.)
However, Vera actually thanks Bewstridge for what he did. She agrees to marry him, but Bewstridge protests that he no longer has a job and can't support her. Copstone hears this and offers him a job supervising his chain of stores. Bewstridge accepts, and the three happily go to lunch to discuss details.
Short story
A short story is a work of fiction that is usually written in prose, often in narrative format. This format tends to be more pointed than longer works of fiction, such as novellas and novels. Short story definitions based on length differ somewhat, even among professional writers, in part because...
by P. G. Wodehouse
P. G. Wodehouse
Sir Pelham Grenville Wodehouse, KBE was an English humorist, whose body of work includes novels, short stories, plays, poems, song lyrics, and numerous pieces of journalism. He enjoyed enormous popular success during a career that lasted more than seventy years and his many writings continue to be...
, which first appeared in the U.K.
United Kingdom
The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern IrelandIn the United Kingdom and Dependencies, other languages have been officially recognised as legitimate autochthonous languages under the European Charter for Regional or Minority Languages...
edition of Argosy
Argosy (magazine)
Argosy was an American pulp magazine, published by Frank Munsey. It is generally considered to be the first American pulp magazine. The magazine began as a general information periodical entitled The Golden Argosy, targeted at the boys adventure market.-Launch of Argosy:In late September 1882,...
magazine
Magazine
Magazines, periodicals, glossies or serials are publications, generally published on a regular schedule, containing a variety of articles. They are generally financed by advertising, by a purchase price, by pre-paid magazine subscriptions, or all three...
on July 1, 1948 under the title "The Hazards of Horace Bewstridge", and was later included in the collection Nothing Serious
Nothing Serious (short stories)
Nothing Serious is a collection of ten short stories by P. G. Wodehouse. It was first published in the United Kingdom on 21 July 1950 by Herbert Jenkins, London, and in the United States on 24 May 1951 by Doubleday & Co., New York.-Overview:...
(1951). It is one of Wodehouse's many golf stories, told by the Oldest Member
Oldest Member
The Oldest Member is a fictional character from the short stories and novels of P. G. Wodehouse. He narrates the majority of Wodehouse's golf stories from the terrace of a golf club whose location is unclear, and he never has a proper name....
.
The story displays Wodehouse's excellent use of language and humor. It begins with the Oldest Member discussing people who lack the proper golfing spirit ("I have known Bream to concede a hole for the almost frivolous reason that he had sliced his ball into a hornet's nest and was unwilling to play it from where it lay"). He mentions a fine example of a devoted golfer, Horace Bewstridge, and proceeds to tell the man's story.
Plot
Bewstridge was in love with a woman named Vera Witherby, the niece of Ponsford Botts. Before proposing marriage, however, he intended to acquaint himself with her family, to ensure a good reception. (The Oldest Member began the story with himself finding Bewstridge's list of how to pander to each one of the Bottses: Laugh at Ponsford Botts' Pat and Mike jokes, talk about the pixies and flowers in Mrs. Botts' books, praise the girl of Irwin Botts' affections, etc.)The local golf course had scheduled a tournament for the President's Cup. On the day before the competition, however, Bewstridge's boss, R. P. Crumbles, tells Bewstridge that he must not win the match. Bewstridge's main opponent, Sir George Copstone, owned a chain of stores that Crumbles wanted to buy, so Crumbles thought Copstone would be more willing to sell if he had just won the President's Cup. Bewstridge was reluctant, so Crumbles informed him that if he failed to do as asked, he would be fired.
The next day, Bewstridge and Copstone do indeed find themselves opposed in the final round. Bewstridge, though required by his boss to lose the game, decides to play for as long as possible before resigning. As the heated game progresses (with Copstone losing a few holes due to a beetle in his coat), however, with the prospect of finally winning the President's Cup within his grasp, Bewstridge becomes more and more determined to win. R. P. Crumbles appears after the ninth hole to remind Bewstridge of his orders. Bewstridge says, "Nuts to you, R. P. Crumbles! Fire me, if you will. This is the only chance I shall ever have of winning the cup, and I'm going to do it."
A tense back-and-forth struggle led slowly to an equal position at the eighteenth hole. A group consisting of Ponsford Botts, Irwin Botts, and the Botts dog, Alfonse, came to watch the remainder of the match. Bewstridge's ball landed two feet from the hole on top of the hill. Copstone, a fighter to the last, hit his ball several feet beyond it. Bewstridge, after lining up his shot, had to re-line-up his shot after the dog Alphonse had picked up his ball and dropped it several yards away. He considered the paths the ball might take, but was unable to concentrate. He ascribed this to the fact that Alphonse was barking madly in his ear. The Oldest Member could guess his thoughts.
"This dog, he was saying to himself, was the apple of Irwin Botts' eye. It was also the apple of Ponsford Botts' eye. To seek it out and kick it in the slats, therefore, would be to shoot that system of his to pieces beyond repair. Irwin Botts would look at him askance. Ponsford Botts would look at him askance. And if they looked at him askance, Vera Witherby would look at him askance, too, for they were presumably the apples of her eye, just as Alfonse was the apple of theirs.
On the other hand, he could not putt with a noise like that going on."
Bewstridge decided that it would be bad to lose Vera Witherby, but not as bad as losing the President's Cup. Therefore, he removed the inhibitant to his attentions, drop-kicking Alphonse off the hill and into the chasm next to it. He was still unable to concentrate, due to Irwin and Ponsford shouting protests in his ears. Bewstridge decided to add them to the contents of the chasm as well. R. P. Crumbles came along and started scolding Bewstridge for a) sending them into the chasm and b) not having lost already to Copstone. He met the same fate, which also came to Mrs. Botts, who began a loud conversation with the chasm's inmates consisting mostly of "What? I can't hear."
Bewstridge was finally able to concentrate. He swung his club, and swung it convulsively when the unexpected voice of Vera Witherby said "Horace!" in his ear. The ball landed directly in the hole. Bewstridge had won the President's Cup. He had also, however, lost his job, and probably all hope of ever marrying the woman he loved. (This is where the Excelsior reference comes in: Excelsior was the name of a poem in which the main character gives up everything just to climb a mountain.)
However, Vera actually thanks Bewstridge for what he did. She agrees to marry him, but Bewstridge protests that he no longer has a job and can't support her. Copstone hears this and offers him a job supervising his chain of stores. Bewstridge accepts, and the three happily go to lunch to discuss details.
See also
- A full list of Wodehouse's golf stories