Flirting
Encyclopedia
Body language
Body language is a form of non-verbal communication, which consists of body posture, gestures, facial expressions, and eye movements. Humans send and interpret such signals almost entirely subconsciously....
. A female flirt, especially a young one, is sometimes called a coquette; but when a man flirts with a woman it is sometimes referred to as gallantry or chivalry
Chivalry
Chivalry is a term related to the medieval institution of knighthood which has an aristocratic military origin of individual training and service to others. Chivalry was also the term used to refer to a group of mounted men-at-arms as well as to martial valour...
.
Flirting usually involves speaking and behaving in a way that suggests a mildly greater intimacy than the actual relationship between the parties would justify, though within the rules of social etiquette
Etiquette
Etiquette is a code of behavior that delineates expectations for social behavior according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class, or group...
, which generally disapproves of a direct expression of sexual interest. This may be accomplished by communicating a sense of playfulness or irony. Double entendre
Double entendre
A double entendre or adianoeta is a figure of speech in which a spoken phrase is devised to be understood in either of two ways. Often the first meaning is straightforward, while the second meaning is less so: often risqué or ironic....
s, with one meaning more formally appropriate and another more suggestive, may be used. Body language can include flicking the hair, eye contact, brief touching, open stances, proximity etc. Verbal communication of interest can include the vocal tone, such as pace, volume, intonation. Challenges (teasing, questions, qualifying, feigned disinterest) serve to increase tension, test intention and congruity.
Flirting behaviour varies across cultures due to different modes of social etiquette such as how closely people should stand (proxemics
Proxemics
Proxemics is the study of measurable distances between people as they interact. The term was introduced by anthropologist Edward T. Hall in 1966...
), how long to hold eye contact, and so forth. However, ethologist Irenäus Eibl-Eibesfeldt
Irenäus Eibl-Eibesfeldt
Irenäus Eibl-Eibesfeldt is founder of the field of human ethology. In authoring the book which bears that title, he applied ethology to humans by studying them in a perspective more common to volumes studying animal behavior....
found that in places as different as Africa and North America, women do exactly the same prolonged stare followed by a head tilt away with a little smile.
Human mating
In order to bond or to express sexual interest, people flirt. According to Kate Fox, there are two main types of flirting: flirting for fun and flirting with intent. Flirting for fun can take place between friends, co-workers, or total strangers that wish to get to know each other. This type of flirting does not intend to lead to sexual intercourse or romantic relationship, but increases the bonds between two people.Flirting with intent plays a role in the mate-selection process. The person flirting will send out signals of sexual availability to another, and expects to see the interest returned in order to continue flirting. Flirting can involve non-verbal signs, such as an exchange of glances, hand-touching, hair-touching, or verbal signs, such as chatting up, flattering comments, and exchange of telephone numbers in order to initiate further contact.
Increasingly in the 21st century flirting is taking forms in instant messaging, and other social media. In 2011 Tagged conducted a summer-long survey based on "winks" by metro area, with the surprise leader being Pittsburgh http://www.timesonline.com/news/local_news/pittsburgh-is-the-flirtiest-city-in-the-country/article_d2877ebc-6d39-5f10-a4da-880d5651d193.html.
Purpose
People flirt for a variety of reasons. Flirting can indicate an interest in a deeper personal relationship with another person. Some people flirt simply for amusement, with no intention of developing any further relationship. This type of flirting sometimes faces disapproval from others, either because it can be misinterpreted as more serious, or it may be viewed as cheating if either person is already in a committed relationshipCommitted relationship
A committed relationship is an interpersonal relationship based upon a mutually agreed-upon commitment to one another involving exclusivity, honesty, openness, or some other agreed-upon behavior. Forms of committed relationships are: close friendship, courtship, long-term relationships ,...
with someone else.
Etymology
The origin of the word flirt is obscure. The Oxford English DictionaryOxford English Dictionary
The Oxford English Dictionary , published by the Oxford University Press, is the self-styled premier dictionary of the English language. Two fully bound print editions of the OED have been published under its current name, in 1928 and 1989. The first edition was published in twelve volumes , and...
(first edition) associates it with such onomatopoeic words as flit and flick, emphasizing a lack of seriousness; on the other hand, it has been attributed to the old French conter fleurette, which means "to (try to) seduce
Seduction
In social science, seduction is the process of deliberately enticing a person to engage. The word seduction stems from Latin and means literally "to lead astray". As a result, the term may have a positive or negative connotation...
" by the dropping of flower petals, that is, "to speak sweet nothings". While old-fashioned, this expression is still used in French, often mockingly, but the English gallicism
Gallicism
A Gallicism can be:* a mode of speech peculiar to the French;* a French idiom;* in general, a French mode or custom.* loanwords, words or phrases borrowed from French....
to flirt has made its way and has now become an anglicism
Anglicism
An Anglicism, as most often defined, is a word borrowed from English into another language. "Anglicism" also describes English syntax, grammar, meaning, and structure used in another language with varying degrees of corruption.-Anglicisms in Chinese:...
.
Cultural aspects
Flirting varies a great deal from culture to culture. For example, for many western cultures one very common flirting strategy includes eye contact. In these cultures, it is said that a look can say a million words. It includes what is referred to as peacocking where a man wears attention grabbing and fancy clothes to attract women. However, eye contact can have a very different meaning in some Asian countries. Men, however, may stare at Western women in such countries who might get in trouble if returning the glance. This act may mean that she is sexually interested instead of just flirting. Furthermore, Chinese and Japanese women are not expected to initiate eye contact which would be considered rude and disrespectful.The distance between two people is also important when flirting. People from the "contact cultures", such as the Mediterranean or Latin America, may feel comfortable with closer distances whereas a British or Northern European person will need more space. Touching, especially of the hand or arm, is also part of flirting.
During World War II, anthropologist Margaret Mead
Margaret Mead
Margaret Mead was an American cultural anthropologist, who was frequently a featured writer and speaker in the mass media throughout the 1960s and 1970s....
was working in Britain for the British Ministry of Information and later for the U.S. Office of War Information
United States Office of War Information
The United States Office of War Information was a U.S. government agency created during World War II to consolidate government information services. It operated from June 1942 until September 1945...
, delivering speeches and writing articles to help the American soldiers better understand the British civilians, and vice versa.
She observed in the flirtations between the American soldiers and British women a pattern of misunderstandings regarding who is supposed to take which initiative. She wrote of the Americans, "The boy learns to make advances and rely upon the girl to repulse them whenever they are inappropriate to the state of feeling between the pair", as contrasted to the British, where "the girl is reared to depend upon a slight barrier of chilliness... which the boys learn to respect, and for the rest to rely upon the men to approach or advance, as warranted by the situation." This resulted, for example, in British women interpreting an American soldier's gregariousness as something more intimate or serious than he had intended.
Communications theorist Paul Watzlawick
Paul Watzlawick
Paul Watzlawick was an Austrian-American psychologist and philosopher. A theoretician in communication theory and radical constructivism, he has commented in the fields of family therapy and general psychotherapy...
used this situation, where "both American soldiers and British girls accused one another of being sexually brash", as an example of differences in "punctuation" in interpersonal communications. He wrote that courtship in both cultures used approximately 30 steps from "first eye contact to the ultimate consummation", but that the sequence of the steps was different. For example, kissing might be an early step in the American pattern but a relatively intimate act in the English pattern.
Japanese courtesans had another form of flirting, emphasizing non-verbal relationships by hiding the lips and showing the eyes, as depicted in much Shunga art
Shunga
' is a Japanese term for erotic art. Most shunga are a type of ukiyo-e, usually executed in woodblock print format. While rare, there are extant erotic painted handscrolls which predate the Ukiyo-e movement...
, the most popular print media at the time, until the late 19th century.
The fan was extensively used as a means of communication and therefore a way of flirting from the 16th century onwards in some European societies, especially England
England
England is a country that is part of the United Kingdom. It shares land borders with Scotland to the north and Wales to the west; the Irish Sea is to the north west, the Celtic Sea to the south west, with the North Sea to the east and the English Channel to the south separating it from continental...
and Spain
Spain
Spain , officially the Kingdom of Spain languages]] under the European Charter for Regional or Minority Languages. In each of these, Spain's official name is as follows:;;;;;;), is a country and member state of the European Union located in southwestern Europe on the Iberian Peninsula...
. A whole sign language was developed with the use of the fan, and even etiquette
Etiquette
Etiquette is a code of behavior that delineates expectations for social behavior according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class, or group...
books and magazines were published. Charles Francis Badini created the Original Fanology or Ladies' Conversation Fan which was published by William Cock in London
London
London is the capital city of :England and the :United Kingdom, the largest metropolitan area in the United Kingdom, and the largest urban zone in the European Union by most measures. Located on the River Thames, London has been a major settlement for two millennia, its history going back to its...
in 1797. The use of the fan was not limited to women, as men also carried fans and learned how to convey messages with them. For instance, placing the fan near your heart meant "I love you", while opening a fan wide meant "Wait for me".
In Spain, where the use of fans (called "abanicos") is still very popular today, ladies used them to communicate with suitors or prospective suitors without their family or chaperon finding out. This use was highly popular during the 19th and early 20th centuries.
Types
Body language
Body language is a form of non-verbal communication, which consists of body posture, gestures, facial expressions, and eye movements. Humans send and interpret such signals almost entirely subconsciously....
, postures
Human position
Human positions refers to the different positions that the human body can take.There are several synonyms that refer to the human position, often used interchangeably, but having specific flavors....
, and physiologic signs
Physiology
Physiology is the science of the function of living systems. This includes how organisms, organ systems, organs, cells, and bio-molecules carry out the chemical or physical functions that exist in a living system. The highest honor awarded in physiology is the Nobel Prize in Physiology or...
which act as cues to another person. Among these, at least in Western society
Western culture
Western culture, sometimes equated with Western civilization or European civilization, refers to cultures of European origin and is used very broadly to refer to a heritage of social norms, ethical values, traditional customs, religious beliefs, political systems, and specific artifacts and...
, are:
- Eye contactEye contactEye contact is a meeting of the eyes between two individuals.In human beings, eye contact is a form of nonverbal communication and is thought to have a large influence on social behavior. Coined in the early to mid-1960s, the term has come in the West to often define the act as a meaningful and...
, batting eyelashes, staringStaringStaring is a prolonged gaze or fixed look. In staring, one object or person is the continual focus of visual interest, for an amount of time. Staring can be interpreted as being either hostile, or the result of intense concentration or affection. Staring behaviour can be considered a form of...
, winkWinkA wink is a facial expression made by briefly closing one eye. A wink is an informal mode of non-verbal communication usually signalling shared hidden knowledge or intent, which may also include, in some contexts, sexual attraction....
ing, etc. - "ProteanProteans (body language)Proteans are unpredictable, subtle, often subconscious, flirting signals, such as a woman's touching of her hair when first meeting a man.The term was coined by Humphries and Driver in 1970...
" signals, such as touching one's hair - Giggling, or laughing encouragingly at any slight hint of intimacy in the other's behavior
- Casual touches; such as a woman gently touching a man's arm during conversation
- SmilingSmileA smile is a facial expression formed by flexing the muscles near both ends of the mouth. The smile can also be found around the eyes . Among humans, it is an expression denoting pleasure, joy, happiness, or amusement, but can also be an involuntary expression of anxiety, in which case it is known...
suggestively - Sending notes, poemsPoetryPoetry is a form of literary art in which language is used for its aesthetic and evocative qualities in addition to, or in lieu of, its apparent meaning...
, or small gifts - FlatteryFlatteryFlattery is the act of giving excessive compliments, generally for the purpose of ingratiating oneself with the subject....
(regarding beauty, sexual attractiveness) - Online chatOnline chatOnline chat may refer to any kind of communication over the Internet, that offers an instantaneous transmission of text-based messages from sender to receiver, hence the delay for visual access to the sent message shall not hamper the flow of communications in any of the directions...
, texting and other one-on-one and direct messaging services while hinting affection. - Footsie, a form of flirtation in which people use their feetFootThe foot is an anatomical structure found in many vertebrates. It is the terminal portion of a limb which bears weight and allows locomotion. In many animals with feet, the foot is a separate organ at the terminal part of the leg made up of one or more segments or bones, generally including claws...
to play with each others' feet. This generally takes place under a tableTable (furniture)A table is a form of furniture with a flat and satisfactory horizontal upper surface used to support objects of interest, for storage, show, and/or manipulation...
or in bed while rubbing feet. Participants often remove their shoeShoeA shoe is an item of footwear intended to protect and comfort the human foot while doing various activities. Shoes are also used as an item of decoration. The design of shoes has varied enormously through time and from culture to culture, with appearance originally being tied to function...
s and play barefootBarefootBarefoot is the state of not wearing any footwear. Being barefoot is regarded as a human's natural state, though for functional, fashion and social reasons footwear is worn, at least on some occasions...
; however, it can also be played in socks, or wearing shoes. Though this method can backfire, as the general opinion of feet can depend on the culture and society of the area. - TeasingTeasingTeasing is a word with many meanings. In human interactions, teasing comes in two major forms, playful and hurtful. When teasing is playful and friendly, and especially when it is reciprocal, teasing can be regarded as flirting. People may be teased on such matters as their appearance, weight,...
- BanterConversationConversation is a form of interactive, spontaneous communication between two or more people who are following rules of etiquette.Conversation analysis is a branch of sociology which studies the structure and organization of human interaction, with a more specific focus on conversational...
- Staging of "chance" encounters
- ImitatingImitationImitation is an advanced behavior whereby an individual observes and replicates another's. The word can be applied in many contexts, ranging from animal training to international politics.-Anthropology and social sciences:...
of behaviors (e.g. taking a drink when the other person takes a drink, changing posture as the other does, etc.) - Coyness, affectedly shy or modest, marked by cute, coquettish, or artful playfulness (e.g. pickup lines).
- Giving flying kisses.
- Singing love songs in presence of the girl/boy.
- Maintaining very short distance during casual talking.
- Peacocking, where a man dresses up in order to attract a woman.
The effectiveness of these several interactions has been subjected to detailed analysis by behavioral psychologists, and advice on their use is available from dating coach
Dating coach
Dating coaches offer products and services to improve their clients' love lives.Through discussion, role-playing, behavior modeling, and other forms of direction, a dating coach trains clients to meet and attract romantic partners. As dating coaches are unlicensed, their methods vary widely...
es.
See also
- Anti-Flirt ClubAnti-Flirt ClubThe Anti-Flirt Club was an American club active in Washington, D.C., during the early 1920s. The purpose of the club was to protect young women and girls who received unwelcome attention from men in automobiles and on street corners...
External links
- SIRC Guide to Flirting
- Nonverbal Courtship Patterns In Women: Context and Consequences
- Psychology Today - Flirting Fascination –Reviews several studies on flirting