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Hold on to your kids (Book)
Encyclopedia
The 2004 book Hold on to your kids by Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Gábor Máté
looks at the trend of children and adolescents substituting friends into parental roles and the disruptive consequences. Exploring causes and outcomes, this book explains why it happens and how parents can cope and remedy the transfer to inappropriate and inadequate substitutes.
When loss of influence is noticed, parents often seek remedies in techniques describing problems in themselves or in the child. Neufeld and Mate propose that the key is in the relationship between child and parents and support that with case examples for improvement.
When this crucial attachment is neglected, children often turn to their peers to satisfy their need for attachment. But age peers, friends, are not experienced enough for that role and the direction and advice required.
From a refreshing and sensible perspective,Hold on to your kids shows how to recover your parenting relationship and maintain this attachment.
The book also reframes popular opinions and anxieties parents often encounter. Some of them are:
Hold on to your kids also explains why a child without normal parenting can still develop into a balanced adult.
"The satiation of attachment hunger is the key to releasing a child from preoccupation with attachment. Yet there are people who have matured well without ever having enjoyed, as children, a nurturing attachment with an adult. How can this be? The explanation is that there is a second key to unlocking the maturation process. One could call it "the back door to maturation," as it is far less obvious and in many ways the opposite of satiation. This emotional turning point comes when, instead of being fulfilled by what works, the child's brain registers that the attachment hunger is not going to be satisfied in this situation or at this time."
Some kids who have not formed parental attachment or expect that their future needs might not be met, may not feel the need for attachment.
Gábor Máté (physician)
Gabor Maté is a Hungarian-born Canadian physician who specializes in the study and treatment of addiction and is also widely recognized for his unique perspective on Attention Deficit Disorder and his firmly held belief in the connection between mind and body health.A sought-after speaker and...
looks at the trend of children and adolescents substituting friends into parental roles and the disruptive consequences. Exploring causes and outcomes, this book explains why it happens and how parents can cope and remedy the transfer to inappropriate and inadequate substitutes.
Summary
Although the umbilical cord is cut at birth, an invisible "umbilical cord" needs to develop between child and parents to make nurturing possible. If this attachment forms, parenting proceeds more easily. However, when parents experience difficulties interacting with their child, the intangible "umbilical cord" can be said to be cut.When loss of influence is noticed, parents often seek remedies in techniques describing problems in themselves or in the child. Neufeld and Mate propose that the key is in the relationship between child and parents and support that with case examples for improvement.
When this crucial attachment is neglected, children often turn to their peers to satisfy their need for attachment. But age peers, friends, are not experienced enough for that role and the direction and advice required.
From a refreshing and sensible perspective,Hold on to your kids shows how to recover your parenting relationship and maintain this attachment.
The book also reframes popular opinions and anxieties parents often encounter. Some of them are:
| popular beliefs / worries | book perspectives |
|---|---|
| parents should foster independence from young age | child needs dependence first in order to develop independence skills |
| focus on the child behavior | focus should be on the parent-child relationship, connection of the "umbilical cord", then child may be reached and influenced |
| for bad behavior teach him a lesson | without the attachment child won't learn the lesson |
| send her to her room for punishment | that may thwart her attachment needs, her peers don't set such conditions and isolations |
| A child shy in front of peers | may show that he/she can not attach easily to those not known well. Potentially he/she has a healthy attachment to the parents. |
Hold on to your kids also explains why a child without normal parenting can still develop into a balanced adult.
"The satiation of attachment hunger is the key to releasing a child from preoccupation with attachment. Yet there are people who have matured well without ever having enjoyed, as children, a nurturing attachment with an adult. How can this be? The explanation is that there is a second key to unlocking the maturation process. One could call it "the back door to maturation," as it is far less obvious and in many ways the opposite of satiation. This emotional turning point comes when, instead of being fulfilled by what works, the child's brain registers that the attachment hunger is not going to be satisfied in this situation or at this time."
Some kids who have not formed parental attachment or expect that their future needs might not be met, may not feel the need for attachment.