Personal boundaries
Encyclopedia
Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him- or herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how he or she will respond when someone steps outside those limits.
'Personal boundaries define you as an individual. They are statements of what you will or won't do, what you like and don't like...how close someone can get to you'.
and proxemics
). 'Mental boundaries pertain to beliefs, emotion, and intuition...Spiritual boundaries pertain to self-esteem [&] sense of identity'. Together they constitute "psychological boundaries".
According to Nina Brown, there are four types of psychological boundary:
'Without a psychic boundary, we would be like drops of ink diffused in a pool of water - easily absorbed into other people's definitions of us....It is our freedom to define ourselves'.
do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply
to the narcissist will be treated as if they are part of the narcissist and be expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist there is no boundary between self and other.
As one ex put it, 'If you had firm boundaries in the face of a narcissist, the relationship wouldn't last'.
. 'The loss of the experience of an area of unqualified privacy, by its transformation into a quasi-public realm, is often one of the decisive changes associated with the process of going mad...the "loss of ego boundary" theory'.
Carl Rogers
has openly described the effects of what he called 'an incredibly lengthy, poorly handled therapeutic relationship which I had with a severely schizophrenic girl....I got to the point where I could not separate my "self" from hers. I literally lost my "self", lost the boundaries of myself...and I became convinced (and I think with some reason) that I was going insane'.
Family Therapy
can sometimes help family members 'all to develop clearer boundaries by seeing them together and behaving in a very clear and definite way', drawing lines and 'putting the generations in separate compartments' - something especially pertinent 'in unhealthy symbiotic families...[where] there are no personal boundaries'.
At the same time, 'creating personal boundaries may cause some relationships to crumble', especially where the boundary enmeshment had been a central relationship key - where 'the symbiotic relationship...is a dependency relationship...pathological symbiotic relationships'.
'Personal boundaries define you as an individual. They are statements of what you will or won't do, what you like and don't like...how close someone can get to you'.
Types
'Personal boundaries include physical, mental, and spiritual boundaries' - (for physical boundaries see personal spacePersonal space
Personal space is the region surrounding a person which they regard as psychologically theirs. Most people value their personal space and feel discomfort, anger, or anxiety when their personal space is encroached. Permitting a person to enter personal space and entering somebody else's personal...
and proxemics
Proxemics
Proxemics is the study of measurable distances between people as they interact. The term was introduced by anthropologist Edward T. Hall in 1966...
). 'Mental boundaries pertain to beliefs, emotion, and intuition...Spiritual boundaries pertain to self-esteem [&] sense of identity'. Together they constitute "psychological boundaries".
According to Nina Brown, there are four types of psychological boundary:
- Soft - A person with soft boundaries merges with other people's boundaries. Someone with a soft boundary is easily manipulatedPsychological manipulationPsychological manipulation is a type of social influence that aims to change the perception or behavior of others through underhanded, deceptive, or even abusive tactics. By advancing the interests of the manipulator, often at the other's expense, such methods could be considered exploitative,...
.
- Spongy - A person with spongy boundaries is like a combination of having soft and rigid boundaries. They permit less emotional contagionEmotional contagionEmotional contagion is the tendency to catch and feel emotions that are similar to and influenced by those of others. One view developed by John Cacioppo of the underlying mechanism is that it represents a tendency to automatically mimic and synchronize facial expressions, vocalizations, postures,...
than soft boundaries but more than rigid. People with spongy boundaries are unsure of what to let in and what to keep out.
- Rigid - A person with rigid boundaries is closed or walled off so nobody can get close to him/her either physically or emotionally. This is often the case if someone has been physicallyPhysical abusePhysical abuse is abuse involving contact intended to cause feelings of intimidation, injury, or other physical suffering or bodily harm.-Forms of physical abuse:*Striking*Punching*Belting*Pushing, pulling*Slapping*Whipping*Striking with an object...
, emotionally, psychologicallyPsychological abusePsychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mental abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder...
or sexually abused. Rigid boundaries can be selective which depend on time, place or circumstances and are usually based on a bad previous experience in a similar situation.
- Flexible - This is the ideal. Similar to selective rigid boundaries but the person has more control. The person decides what to let in and what to keep out, is resistant to emotional contagionEmotional contagionEmotional contagion is the tendency to catch and feel emotions that are similar to and influenced by those of others. One view developed by John Cacioppo of the underlying mechanism is that it represents a tendency to automatically mimic and synchronize facial expressions, vocalizations, postures,...
, manipulationPsychological manipulationPsychological manipulation is a type of social influence that aims to change the perception or behavior of others through underhanded, deceptive, or even abusive tactics. By advancing the interests of the manipulator, often at the other's expense, such methods could be considered exploitative,...
and is difficult to exploit.
'Without a psychic boundary, we would be like drops of ink diffused in a pool of water - easily absorbed into other people's definitions of us....It is our freedom to define ourselves'.
Narcissism and boundaries
According to Hotchkiss, narcissistsNarcissism
Narcissism is a term with a wide range of meanings, depending on whether it is used to describe a central concept of psychoanalytic theory, a mental illness, a social or cultural problem, or simply a personality trait...
do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply
Narcissistic supply
Narcissistic supply is a concept in some psychoanalytic theories which describes a type of admiration, interpersonal support or sustenance drawn by an individual from his or her environment ....
to the narcissist will be treated as if they are part of the narcissist and be expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist there is no boundary between self and other.
As one ex put it, 'If you had firm boundaries in the face of a narcissist, the relationship wouldn't last'.
Loss of boundaries
R. D. Laing considered that the loss of personal boundaries was an aspect of psychosisPsychosis
Psychosis means abnormal condition of the mind, and is a generic psychiatric term for a mental state often described as involving a "loss of contact with reality"...
. 'The loss of the experience of an area of unqualified privacy, by its transformation into a quasi-public realm, is often one of the decisive changes associated with the process of going mad...the "loss of ego boundary" theory'.
Carl Rogers
Carl Rogers
Carl Ransom Rogers was an influential American psychologist and among the founders of the humanistic approach to psychology...
has openly described the effects of what he called 'an incredibly lengthy, poorly handled therapeutic relationship which I had with a severely schizophrenic girl....I got to the point where I could not separate my "self" from hers. I literally lost my "self", lost the boundaries of myself...and I became convinced (and I think with some reason) that I was going insane'.
Rebuilding boundaries
'To be healthy, every intimate relationship needs space and personal boundaries...mental and emotional'. Co-dependent personalities in particular have difficulties maintaining such boundaries, and for them 'it's essential to learn to define and protect your boundaries in effective ways'.Family Therapy
Family therapy
Family therapy, also referred to as couple and family therapy, family systems therapy, and family counseling, is a branch of psychotherapy that works with families and couples in intimate relationships to nurture change and development. It tends to view change in terms of the systems of...
can sometimes help family members 'all to develop clearer boundaries by seeing them together and behaving in a very clear and definite way', drawing lines and 'putting the generations in separate compartments' - something especially pertinent 'in unhealthy symbiotic families...[where] there are no personal boundaries'.
At the same time, 'creating personal boundaries may cause some relationships to crumble', especially where the boundary enmeshment had been a central relationship key - where 'the symbiotic relationship...is a dependency relationship...pathological symbiotic relationships'.
See also
Further reading
- Black, Jan & Enns, Greg Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life 1998
- Bottke, Allison Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents 2008
- Cloud, Henry & Townsend, John Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life 1995
- Cloud, Henry & Townsend, John Boundaries with Kids 2001
- Cloud, Henry & Townsend, John Boundaries in Marriage 2002
- Linden, Anne Boundaries in Human Relationships: How to Be Separate and Connected 2008
- Katherine, Anne Boundaries - Where You End And I Begin: How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries 1994
- Katherine, Anne Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day 2000
- MacKenzie, Robert J. Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries 2001
- Richardson S Cunningham M Broken Boundaries - stories of betrayal in relationships of care 2008