I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream — and I hope you don't find this too crazy — is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, 'Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!' That would be bad.

Oh, irony! Oh no, we don't get that here. See, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about '83, when I was the only practitioner of it. And I stopped because I was tired of being stared at. (challenged to come up with 20 insults better than "Big Nose"):

"Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine!"

"Religious: The Lord giveth, and he just kept on giving, didn't he?"

"Commercial: Hi, I'm Earl Schieb, and I can paint that nose for $39.95!"

"Polite: Excuse me, would you mind not bobbing your head? The uh, orchestra keeps changing tempo."

"Inquiry: When you stop and smell the flowers, are they afraid?"

"Complimentary: You must LOVE the little birdies to give them THIS to perch on."

"Melodic, everyone: (the entire bar sings)He's got the WHOLE WORLD, in his nose!"

"Obscure: Wow, I'd hate to see the grindstone!'"