The Beard
Encyclopedia
"The Beard" is the 102nd episode of the NBC
situation comedy
Seinfeld
. This was the 16th episode for the 6th season. It aired on February 9, 1995.
has tickets for Swan Lake
. She is going as a beard for a gay
man (Robert Mailhouse
) whose boss, he believes, is homophobic
. George
is still wearing his toupee and only Kramer
thinks he looks handsome. Kramer tries to set up a date for George, but as he doesn't have a picture of her they go to the police station where an acquaintance, who works as a sketch artist, can draw them a picture.
On their way to the station, Kramer gives Chinese food leftovers to a homeless man (Jon Gries
). At the police station, George likes the picture and Jerry
has his eye on a female Sergeant, Sgt. Cathy Tierny (Katherine LaNasa). On their way back Kramer argues with the homeless man and cannot retrieve his Tupperware container. At the ballet Elaine is acting as Robert's girlfriend.
Back at Monk's Cafe
Elaine talks with Jerry how nice Robert is, and the possibility to make him "change teams" (i.e., "convert" to heterosexuality
). Jerry says conversion is not possible since they are only comfortable with their own "equipment."
At Jerry's apartment Kramer needs a Tupperware to save his meal. George arrives very confident after talking on the phone with Denise, Kramer's friend. Jerry mocks George's "hair hat
" telling him Denise will find out.
Kramer decides to eat lunch at the police station with his friend Lou, the sketch artist, and Jerry tags along to meet with Sgt. Tierny. At the station, Kramer stands in a police lineup
for quick $50. George meets Denise at Monk's, although she is wearing a hat. While looking at the lie detector Jerry's girlfriend wants him to take the test to see whether or not he watches Melrose Place.
Later, Elaine mocks Jerry for not telling her that he watched Melrose Place. Jerry wants George to tell him how to beat the polygraph.
Elaine is going on another "date" with Robert and she is ready to perform the conversion. George arrives disgusted saying that Denise is bald. After arguing that George is bald, too ("I WAS bald!"), Elaine throws his wig out the window, and the homeless guy picks it up.
After the date, Elaine invites Robert to her apartment. Wig-less George tells Jerry he is again himself, and will continue seeing the bald woman. Later, Elaine triumphantly announces to Jerry that Robert has defected his team and that the conversion went perfectly ("Sex and shopping"). Afterwards, Kramer is still doing police lineups. Jerry takes the lie detector test
, but quickly cracks under the pressure of clever questions regarding controversial plot developments in Melrose Place, which provoke him to vent his strongly held opinions on those controversies, thereby exposing his familiarity with the series.
At Jerry's apartment Elaine comments how Robert went back to his team because they always have access to their "equipment
".
In the last scene Kramer is still doing lineups but then he gets in trouble when he is recognized by a witness of a robbery: the homeless man.
George: That's an interesting question.
Jerry: How so?
George: How so? I'll tell you how so. She's bald!
Elaine: What do you mean, bald?
George: What do you think I mean, bald? Bald. BALD bald!
Jerry: She's bald?
George: She's BALD!
George: So?
Elaine: (puts her hands up to her mouth) You're bald!
George: No, I'm not. I was bald.
(Elaine grabs at the toupee; George dodges the grab.)
George: Elaine.
(Elaine grabs again and misses. George turns around and opens the door trying to get out. Elaine grabs the toupee and runs to the window.)
George: No, no, no, Elaine!
Elaine: (shouting) I don't like this thing! And here's what I'm doing with it!
(She tosses the toupee out the window.)
George: NO!
(He runs to the window, and the blind comes down on his head.)
(Theme song of Melrose Place plays.)
Jerry: (Watching Melrose Place) Oh, that Michael, I hate him. he's just so smug.
NBC
The National Broadcasting Company is an American commercial broadcasting television network and former radio network headquartered in the GE Building in New York City's Rockefeller Center with additional major offices near Los Angeles and in Chicago...
situation comedy
Situation comedy
A situation comedy, often shortened to sitcom, is a genre of comedy that features characters sharing the same common environment, such as a home or workplace, accompanied with jokes as part of the dialogue...
Seinfeld
Seinfeld
Seinfeld is an American television sitcom that originally aired on NBC from July 5, 1989, to May 14, 1998, lasting nine seasons, and is now in syndication. It was created by Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld, the latter starring as a fictionalized version of himself...
. This was the 16th episode for the 6th season. It aired on February 9, 1995.
Plot
ElaineElaine Benes
Elaine Marie Benes is a fictional character on the American television sitcom Seinfeld , played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Elaine's best friend is her ex-boyfriend Jerry Seinfeld; she is also good friends with George Costanza and Cosmo Kramer...
has tickets for Swan Lake
Swan Lake
Swan Lake ballet, op. 20, by Pyotr Tchaikovsky, composed 1875–1876. The scenario, initially in four acts, was fashioned from Russian folk tales and tells the story of Odette, a princess turned into a swan by an evil sorcerer's curse. The choreographer of the original production was Julius Reisinger...
. She is going as a beard for a gay
Gay
Gay is a word that refers to a homosexual person, especially a homosexual male. For homosexual women the specific term is "lesbian"....
man (Robert Mailhouse
Robert Mailhouse
Robert Kenneth Mailhouse is an American actor and musician. He has also appeared in a TV series including the soap Days of Our Lives and the comedy Seinfeld. He was the drummer for the grunge-alternative rock band Dogstar from the mid-1990s to the early 2000s. Currently he plays in the band...
) whose boss, he believes, is homophobic
Homophobia
Homophobia is a term used to refer to a range of negative attitudes and feelings towards lesbian, gay and in some cases bisexual, transgender people and behavior, although these are usually covered under other terms such as biphobia and transphobia. Definitions refer to irrational fear, with the...
. George
George Costanza
George Louis Costanza is a character in the American television sitcom Seinfeld , played by Jason Alexander. He has variously been described as a "short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man" , "Lord of the Idiots" , and as "the greatest sitcom character of all time"...
is still wearing his toupee and only Kramer
Cosmo Kramer
Cosmo Kramer, usually referred to as simply "Kramer", is a fictional character on the American television sitcom Seinfeld , played by Michael Richards...
thinks he looks handsome. Kramer tries to set up a date for George, but as he doesn't have a picture of her they go to the police station where an acquaintance, who works as a sketch artist, can draw them a picture.
On their way to the station, Kramer gives Chinese food leftovers to a homeless man (Jon Gries
Jon Gries
Jonathan Francis "Jon" Gries is an American actor, writer and director. He is also credited under the names Jon Francis and Jonathan Gries. He is known for his role in Napoleon Dynamite as Uncle Rico, and more recently as recurring character Roger Linus on Lost...
). At the police station, George likes the picture and Jerry
Jerry Seinfeld (character)
Jerome "Jerry" Seinfeld is the main protagonist of the American television sitcom Seinfeld . The straight man among his group of friends, this semi-fictionalized version of comedian Jerry Seinfeld was named after, co-created by, based on, and played by Seinfeld himself.The series revolves around...
has his eye on a female Sergeant, Sgt. Cathy Tierny (Katherine LaNasa). On their way back Kramer argues with the homeless man and cannot retrieve his Tupperware container. At the ballet Elaine is acting as Robert's girlfriend.
Back at Monk's Cafe
Monk's Cafe
Monk's Café is a fictional coffee shop from the NBC sitcom Seinfeld. The exterior of Tom's Restaurant on the corner of West 112th Street and Broadway, near Columbia University, is often shown on the show as the exterior of Monk's, though the interiors were shot on a sound stage. The coffee shop is...
Elaine talks with Jerry how nice Robert is, and the possibility to make him "change teams" (i.e., "convert" to heterosexuality
Heterosexuality
Heterosexuality is romantic or sexual attraction or behavior between members of the opposite sex or gender. As a sexual orientation, heterosexuality refers to "an enduring pattern of or disposition to experience sexual, affectional, physical or romantic attractions to persons of the opposite sex";...
). Jerry says conversion is not possible since they are only comfortable with their own "equipment."
At Jerry's apartment Kramer needs a Tupperware to save his meal. George arrives very confident after talking on the phone with Denise, Kramer's friend. Jerry mocks George's "hair hat
Toupee
A toupée is a hairpiece or partial wig of natural or synthetic hair worn to cover partial baldness or for theatrical purposes. While toupées and hairpieces are typically associated with male wearers, some women also use hairpieces to lengthen existing hair, or cover partially exposed scalp...
" telling him Denise will find out.
Kramer decides to eat lunch at the police station with his friend Lou, the sketch artist, and Jerry tags along to meet with Sgt. Tierny. At the station, Kramer stands in a police lineup
Police lineup
A police lineup or identity parade is a process by which a crime victim or witness's putative identification of a suspect is confirmed to a level that can count as evidence at trial....
for quick $50. George meets Denise at Monk's, although she is wearing a hat. While looking at the lie detector Jerry's girlfriend wants him to take the test to see whether or not he watches Melrose Place.
Later, Elaine mocks Jerry for not telling her that he watched Melrose Place. Jerry wants George to tell him how to beat the polygraph.
Elaine is going on another "date" with Robert and she is ready to perform the conversion. George arrives disgusted saying that Denise is bald. After arguing that George is bald, too ("I WAS bald!"), Elaine throws his wig out the window, and the homeless guy picks it up.
After the date, Elaine invites Robert to her apartment. Wig-less George tells Jerry he is again himself, and will continue seeing the bald woman. Later, Elaine triumphantly announces to Jerry that Robert has defected his team and that the conversion went perfectly ("Sex and shopping"). Afterwards, Kramer is still doing police lineups. Jerry takes the lie detector test
Polygraph
A polygraph measures and records several physiological indices such as blood pressure, pulse, respiration, and skin conductivity while the subject is asked and answers a series of questions...
, but quickly cracks under the pressure of clever questions regarding controversial plot developments in Melrose Place, which provoke him to vent his strongly held opinions on those controversies, thereby exposing his familiarity with the series.
At Jerry's apartment Elaine comments how Robert went back to his team because they always have access to their "equipment
Sex organ
A sex organ, or primary sexual characteristic, as narrowly defined, is any of the anatomical parts of the body which are involved in sexual reproduction and constitute the reproductive system in a complex organism; flowers are the reproductive organs of flowering plants, cones are the reproductive...
".
In the last scene Kramer is still doing lineups but then he gets in trouble when he is recognized by a witness of a robbery: the homeless man.
Quotes
- Jerry: Hey, there he is. So what happened? Could she detect it?
George: That's an interesting question.
Jerry: How so?
George: How so? I'll tell you how so. She's bald!
Elaine: What do you mean, bald?
George: What do you think I mean, bald? Bald. BALD bald!
Jerry: She's bald?
George: She's BALD!
- Elaine: Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald.
George: So?
Elaine: (puts her hands up to her mouth) You're bald!
George: No, I'm not. I was bald.
(Elaine grabs at the toupee; George dodges the grab.)
George: Elaine.
(Elaine grabs again and misses. George turns around and opens the door trying to get out. Elaine grabs the toupee and runs to the window.)
George: No, no, no, Elaine!
Elaine: (shouting) I don't like this thing! And here's what I'm doing with it!
(She tosses the toupee out the window.)
George: NO!
(He runs to the window, and the blind comes down on his head.)
- Jerry: All right, shut up, shut up, Melrose Place is coming on.
(Theme song of Melrose Place plays.)
Jerry: (Watching Melrose Place) Oh, that Michael, I hate him. he's just so smug.