[to Jerry] Jesus, they certainly don't give you very good protection, do they? Look at you here. Who the hell is watching you? Any one of these freaks could just walk right up to you and do whatever he wants.

[to Rita, about Marilyn Monroe] She wasn't a great actress but she had a real gift for comedy. She died tragically, you know, alone, like so many of the world's most beautiful women. I'm going to see that doesn't happen to you, Rita.

[to Rita] You going to spend the rest of your life in that place? Is that what you really want, talking about nothing with nothings? I thought you wanted something a little better than that and that's what I'm offering. Every King needs a Queen, Rita. I want you to be mine. What do you say?

[on tape] Now, Jerry. Before I begin, I just want to thank you for listening to this material and for the opportunity that you've given me. You know, lots of people think that guys like you, you know, people who have made it, lose their feeling for struggling young talent such as myself. But now I know from experience that those people are just cynics, embittered by their own failure. I know, Jerry, that you're as human as the rest of us, if not more so.

[to Pupkin, about Langford] All of a sudden, with a gun on him, he wants to make up and be friends. And, once he's out the door, what happens then?

Rita Keane: [to Pupkin] You call me up all junior and senior year. Night after night after night, right? And every time I'm wondering 'when is this guy going to stop talking and ask me out?' Well, now I know the answer. August twelfth, nineteen seventy-six. It only took you ten, eleven years to work up to it.