Uhtred of Bebbanburg
Encyclopedia
Uhtred of Bebbanburg is the protagonist
and main character of the best selling Saxon Stories
novel series by Bernard Cornwell
. Over the five current books, Uhtred, a Pagan, has become increasingly complex in his loyalty and general attitude. Uhtred is in part based upon the historical Uchtred the Bold
who flourished at the start of the 11th century.
and raised to have hatred towards the surrounding kingdoms of Mercia, East Anglia, Wessex, Scotland
and the Danes
. Uhtred was originally called Osbert due to being the youngest of Ealdorman Uhtred's sons (the name Uhtred being given always to the oldest son) but after his older brother was killed in a failed attack on the Danes, his name was changed. Uhtred was never taught swordsmanship in his nine years at Bebbanburg due to his stepmother wanting him to pursue a life dedicated to being a priest.
In 866
, The first of the Danish army began to arrive in Northumbria. In their speed the Danes were able to capture Eoferwic
. After Ealdorman Uhtred was killed in the assault to reclaim Eoferwic
, Uhtred was captured by the Danes following his feeble attack on a Danish warlord. That warlord, Ragnar Ravnsson, decided to nurture Uhtred's fury into a suitable fighting spirit and so adopted him. Uhtred found that living with the Danes was a much freer existence than with the pious Christians
and their dour priest
s at Bebbanburg
and embraced the Danish gods
of Thor
, Odin
, and Hoder
. Uhtred came to love Ragnar as a father and became a brother to Ragnar's sons, Ragnar and Rorik, and daughter, Thyra.
Living in Ragnar's company was enjoyable, even after Rorik's death of sickness, until everything changed. Ragnar had made an enemy in a man named Kjartan due to an incident between Thyra and Kjartan's son, Sven. The enmity came to a head one night when Uhtred was in the forest making charcoal for weapons. Kjartan led a warband to where Ragnar and his family were sleeping and lit their hall on fire, killing them all. Kjartan believed Uhtred to have died in the fire. Uhtred is crushed by Ragnar's death and leaves to find family amongst the Saxons.
Uhtred ends up in Wessex and in the service of Alfred the Great
. Wessex is the last unconquered kingdom in England
and thus always under constant threat from the Danes and despite Uhtred's childhood, he begins to fight and revel in Danish defeats. However Uhtred has a particular hatred towards Alfred whom he believes is too pious, weak and trusting to fight off the Danish invasion. Alfred manages to calm any wanton violence between the two and Uhtred serves him faithfully, though grudgingly, and at times, with a mind to return to the Danes. Yet as Uhtred's usefulness improves so does Alfred's attention and as Uhtred ages he begins to understand Alfred's wisdom although the dislike is always present.
, (Ethelflaed and Hild are exceptions). However, Uhtred does not limit himself to those women that he has a long-standing relationship with. In "the Burning Land" he was found laying with a slave girl in Dunholm by Father Pyrlig, among other instances of indiscriminate womanizing.
Brida hates Uhtred for abandoning the fight against Wessex with Ragnar.
.
in Lords of the North. During this time Uhtred's attraction to Gisela was a factor that made her reconsider joining the church. When Uhtred discovered that he had been sold into slavery by Guthred as a condition of his alliance with his uncle Ælfric, he bequeathed his possessions to Hild. Hild then returned to Wessex where she recovers Uhtred's hoard of wealth which he had buried before journeying to Northumbria. She uses the hoard and the promise that she would return to the church and found a nunnery dedicated to helping the poor and sick of Wessex to convince Alfred to mount an attempt to rescue Uhtred. After Uhtred was liberated and returned to Wessex, he retrieved his armor and weapons from Hild, now the Abbess Hildegyth, who also gave him a small silver cross which he then had worked into the hilt of his sword Serpent-Breath. According to Uhtred, Hild was later revered as a saint.
, Uhtred is married to the Danish
Gisela, sister of King Guthred of Cumbraland. When Uhtred was betrayed by Guthred in condition to his alliance with AElfric, Gisela was devastated. She determinedly waited for Uhtred to return and soon after Uhtred took Dunholme, they were married. She often relies on Viking runes to tell her of the future (she shares her predictions with Uhtred). She has sworn not to leave Uhtred's side and they have two children as of 'Sword Song'. In 'The Burning Land' she dies of childbirth, much to Uhtred's grief. Uhtred was fiercely loving and loyal to Gisela, and wept bitterly at her death, though only to Finan. In the book Burning Lands Uhtred accidentally beat a blind priest to death, out of anger, for calling Gisela a witch (among other things) in Alfred's court after she had passed.
Uhtred reneges on his oath to Alfred of Wessex. When Jarl Haesten prepares to attack Mercia, and Ethelred tries to get a divorce from Ethelflaed by having one of his lords to sleep with her (therefore making her an adulterer). Ethelflaed calls on the oath that Uhtred made to her before the attack on Lunden 'Sword Song
'. Uhtred is persuaded by Father Pyrlig that he cannot break to oath made to Ethelflaed because it was made in love. Uhtred with his some 40 men return to Ethelflaed's side and rescue her from the Lord Aldhem. It is soon revealed that the ailing Alfred of Wessex advised Ethelflaed to use Uhtred's oath. Uhtred's has maintained a friendly relationship with Ethelflaed has been since The Pale Horseman
when she was a child. During 'The Burning Land' they fall into a forbidden love. Uhtred sees Ethelflaed as the woman of Iseult's prophecy, 'She will be a woman of gold.' (Ethelflaed has golden hair).
Uhtred is forced to hate the Saxons because as a "Dane" they are his enemy. After the Danes win battle after battle against the Saxons, he becomes disgusted at their weakness in relying on prayers, and failing to produce decent warriors. He also honestly grows to love Ragnar the Elder as a surrogate father, and his family as his own.
However, during the Danes' first attempt at capturing Wessex, Uhtred discovers a streak of pride at a rare Saxon victory, and feels remorse when his uncle is killed in battle. After Ragnar's death deprives him of his family, he realizes he must rejoin the Saxons, where he develops friendships with several comrades that prevent him from returning to the Danes.
Portrayed as brash and arrogant, Uhtred at first despises Alfred as a weakling who listens too much to the counsel of priests, but, as time goes on (and also writing with the benefit of hindsight), he realizes that Alfred's cleverness is an effective weapon against the Danes, and also that he has a vision of something no one has ever dreamed of before: England united as one kingdom.
Uhtred is often portrayed as having to juggle several conflicting loyalties and priorities: despite having rejoined the Saxons, he still retains his love for his Danish foster brother, Ragnar the Younger, and willingly fights alongside him to avenge the elder Ragnar's death. Outranking all other priorities is his determination to oust his usurper uncle as lord of Bebbanburg and take his rightful place.
Uhtred does not like breaking oaths and is therefore hesitant if he must take one and his arrogance, although rightly earned through the killing of fearsome Danish warlords, gives some people the wrong impression about Uhtred.
Uhtred shows love for his children, his first son died due to swallowing a pebble and choking and although cold at first, he weeps when it actually hits him. His second sons lives well but he shows great love for his daughter, Stiorra, whom he is always playing with and nurturing. Uhtred is a complex character with his own loyalties constantly being questioned, even by himself, though he is a trustworthy man.
Uhtred dislikes the Scots, but has a grudging respect for their fighting abilities. In Lords of the North, Ivar Ivarsson's army is ambushed and decimated by the Scottish king Aed, after Ivar invades Scotland in response to Aed's men raiding across the Border. Uthred, when he hears accounts from survivors of the battle, comments,
"Ivar's shield wall had held, but I could well imagine the ferocity of that battle. My father had fought the Scots many times, and he always referred to them as devils. Mad devils, he said, sword devils. Howling devils. And Ivar's Danes told us how they rallied from that first attack, and used sword and spear to cut the devils down - and still the shrieking hordes came. Climbing over their own dead, their wild hair red with blood, their swords hissing."
In the novel The Burning Land, Uhtred again quotes his father, "Dealing with the Scots is like trying to geld wildcats with your teeth."
Protagonist
A protagonist is the main character of a literary, theatrical, cinematic, or musical narrative, around whom the events of the narrative's plot revolve and with whom the audience is intended to most identify...
and main character of the best selling Saxon Stories
The Saxon Stories
The Saxon Tales is a continuing historical novel series written by the historical novelist Bernard Cornwell about 9th century Britain. The protagonist of the series is Uhtred Ragnarson, sometimes known as Uhtred Uhtredson. Uhtred is born in Northumbria, but captured and adopted by the Danes...
novel series by Bernard Cornwell
Bernard Cornwell
Bernard Cornwell OBE is an English author of historical novels. He is best known for his novels about Napoleonic Wars rifleman Richard Sharpe which were adapted into a series of Sharpe television films.-Biography:...
. Over the five current books, Uhtred, a Pagan, has become increasingly complex in his loyalty and general attitude. Uhtred is in part based upon the historical Uchtred the Bold
Uchtred the Bold
Uchtred , called the Bold, was the ealdorman of all Northumbria from 1006 to 1016, when he was assassinated. He was the son of Waltheof I, ealdorman of Bamburgh, whose ancient family had ruled from the castle of Bamburgh on the Northumbrian coast.In 995, according to Symeon of Durham, when the...
who flourished at the start of the 11th century.
Biography
Uhtred was born into status as son of Ealdorman Uhtred, Lord of BebbanburgBebbanburg
Bebbanburg is an old name for Bamburgh Castle in Northumberland, England. Bebbanburg is near Lindisfarne Abbey, which was raided by the Vikings in the 8th Century AD. Bebbanburg was home to Northumbrian kings...
and raised to have hatred towards the surrounding kingdoms of Mercia, East Anglia, Wessex, Scotland
Scotland
Scotland is a country that is part of the United Kingdom. Occupying the northern third of the island of Great Britain, it shares a border with England to the south and is bounded by the North Sea to the east, the Atlantic Ocean to the north and west, and the North Channel and Irish Sea to the...
and the Danes
Denmark
Denmark is a Scandinavian country in Northern Europe. The countries of Denmark and Greenland, as well as the Faroe Islands, constitute the Kingdom of Denmark . It is the southernmost of the Nordic countries, southwest of Sweden and south of Norway, and bordered to the south by Germany. Denmark...
. Uhtred was originally called Osbert due to being the youngest of Ealdorman Uhtred's sons (the name Uhtred being given always to the oldest son) but after his older brother was killed in a failed attack on the Danes, his name was changed. Uhtred was never taught swordsmanship in his nine years at Bebbanburg due to his stepmother wanting him to pursue a life dedicated to being a priest.
In 866
866
Year 866 was a common year starting on Tuesday of the Julian calendar.- Asia :* Fujiwara no Yoshifusa becomes regent of Japan, starting the Fujiwara regentship.- Europe :...
, The first of the Danish army began to arrive in Northumbria. In their speed the Danes were able to capture Eoferwic
York
York is a walled city, situated at the confluence of the Rivers Ouse and Foss in North Yorkshire, England. The city has a rich heritage and has provided the backdrop to major political events throughout much of its two millennia of existence...
. After Ealdorman Uhtred was killed in the assault to reclaim Eoferwic
York
York is a walled city, situated at the confluence of the Rivers Ouse and Foss in North Yorkshire, England. The city has a rich heritage and has provided the backdrop to major political events throughout much of its two millennia of existence...
, Uhtred was captured by the Danes following his feeble attack on a Danish warlord. That warlord, Ragnar Ravnsson, decided to nurture Uhtred's fury into a suitable fighting spirit and so adopted him. Uhtred found that living with the Danes was a much freer existence than with the pious Christians
Christianity
Christianity is a monotheistic religion based on the life and teachings of Jesus as presented in canonical gospels and other New Testament writings...
and their dour priest
Priest
A priest is a person authorized to perform the sacred rites of a religion, especially as a mediatory agent between humans and deities. They also have the authority or power to administer religious rites; in particular, rites of sacrifice to, and propitiation of, a deity or deities...
s at Bebbanburg
Bebbanburg
Bebbanburg is an old name for Bamburgh Castle in Northumberland, England. Bebbanburg is near Lindisfarne Abbey, which was raided by the Vikings in the 8th Century AD. Bebbanburg was home to Northumbrian kings...
and embraced the Danish gods
Æsir
In Old Norse, áss is the term denoting a member of the principal pantheon in Norse paganism. This pantheon includes Odin, Frigg, Thor, Baldr and Tyr. The second pantheon comprises the Vanir...
of Thor
Thor
In Norse mythology, Thor is a hammer-wielding god associated with thunder, lightning, storms, oak trees, strength, the protection of mankind, and also hallowing, healing, and fertility...
, Odin
Odin
Odin is a major god in Norse mythology and the ruler of Asgard. Homologous with the Anglo-Saxon "Wōden" and the Old High German "Wotan", the name is descended from Proto-Germanic "*Wodanaz" or "*Wōđanaz"....
, and Hoder
Höðr
Höðr is the brother of Baldr in Norse mythology. Guided by Loki he shot the mistletoe missile which was to slay the otherwise invulnerable Baldr....
. Uhtred came to love Ragnar as a father and became a brother to Ragnar's sons, Ragnar and Rorik, and daughter, Thyra.
Living in Ragnar's company was enjoyable, even after Rorik's death of sickness, until everything changed. Ragnar had made an enemy in a man named Kjartan due to an incident between Thyra and Kjartan's son, Sven. The enmity came to a head one night when Uhtred was in the forest making charcoal for weapons. Kjartan led a warband to where Ragnar and his family were sleeping and lit their hall on fire, killing them all. Kjartan believed Uhtred to have died in the fire. Uhtred is crushed by Ragnar's death and leaves to find family amongst the Saxons.
Uhtred ends up in Wessex and in the service of Alfred the Great
Alfred the Great
Alfred the Great was King of Wessex from 871 to 899.Alfred is noted for his defence of the Anglo-Saxon kingdoms of southern England against the Vikings, becoming the only English monarch still to be accorded the epithet "the Great". Alfred was the first King of the West Saxons to style himself...
. Wessex is the last unconquered kingdom in England
England
England is a country that is part of the United Kingdom. It shares land borders with Scotland to the north and Wales to the west; the Irish Sea is to the north west, the Celtic Sea to the south west, with the North Sea to the east and the English Channel to the south separating it from continental...
and thus always under constant threat from the Danes and despite Uhtred's childhood, he begins to fight and revel in Danish defeats. However Uhtred has a particular hatred towards Alfred whom he believes is too pious, weak and trusting to fight off the Danish invasion. Alfred manages to calm any wanton violence between the two and Uhtred serves him faithfully, though grudgingly, and at times, with a mind to return to the Danes. Yet as Uhtred's usefulness improves so does Alfred's attention and as Uhtred ages he begins to understand Alfred's wisdom although the dislike is always present.
Women
Uhtred, in accordance with the times, is associated with a lot of women yet there are few women which shape his life. Uhtred has a penchant for defiant women who have "a spirit like an eagle", which he has attributed to many woman. Conversely he dislikes woman who crave order and ChristianityChristianity
Christianity is a monotheistic religion based on the life and teachings of Jesus as presented in canonical gospels and other New Testament writings...
, (Ethelflaed and Hild are exceptions). However, Uhtred does not limit himself to those women that he has a long-standing relationship with. In "the Burning Land" he was found laying with a slave girl in Dunholm by Father Pyrlig, among other instances of indiscriminate womanizing.
Brida
Brida is Uhtred's friend and later mistress. Like Uhtred, she is Saxon in origin, and is adopted by the Danes after they see the ruins of her village, wiped out by a raiding party from a rival kingdom. Also like Uhtred, she comes to love the Danes for their free-spiritness. She and Uhtred become playmates and close friends, and later lovers when they reach adolescence. Brida becomes pregnant by Uhtred at least once, but miscarries. Along with Uhtred, she learns the art of making charcoal for forging steel, and so survives along with when Ragnar and the others are killed in the hall-burning. Brida despises the strait-laced, pious Christian Saxons of Alfred's court even more than Uhtred does, and, when Uhtred decides to seek a position there, she does not go with him, but remains with the Danes. As of The Burning LandThe Burning Land
The Burning Land is a novel based in the 9th century Anglo-Saxon kingdoms Wessex, Northumbria and Mercia. It is the fifth book in Bernard Cornwell's Saxon Tales series, and starts where Sword Song left off.-Plot summary:...
Brida hates Uhtred for abandoning the fight against Wessex with Ragnar.
Mildrith
Mildrith is Uhtred's first wife, who first appears in The Last Kingdom. They were married as part of an arrangement whereby Uhtred gained command of the tiny Wessex fleet. The two do not really love each other, as a result of their vastly different outlooks in life and religion. As part of her dowry Mildrith brought with her a homestead in Oxton, but also an enormous debt because her father pledged a substantial portion of his estate to the church. They had a son, Uhtred, named after his father, who died after choking on a pebble. The elder Uhtred believes the death is supernaturally connected to the survival of Alfred's son Edward, who was healed by Iseult. After young Uhtred's death, Mildrith rejoins a conventConvent
A convent is either a community of priests, religious brothers, religious sisters, or nuns, or the building used by the community, particularly in the Roman Catholic Church and in the Anglican Communion...
.
Iseult
Iseult is a British shadow queen from Cornwall who appears in The Pale Horseman. Iseult was married to a minor king named Peredur who kept her virginity in the belief that it maintained her powers of prophecy. Seeing that Uhtred's arrival would result in her freedom, she convinced Peredur to hire on Uhtred and his ship's crew when they appeared off the coast in order to fight the Danish warlord Svein of the White Horse, who had captured a nearby fort. Svein and Uhtred ended up colluding to turn on Peredur and pillage his settlement, and Uhtred claimed Iseult and began living with her although he was still married to Mildrith. Although Iseult healed Alfred's son Edward from an illness that nearly killed him and created herbal medicines for Alfred that made him healthier, she was feared and distrusted by the Wessex court because of her paganism. Alfred used her as a "surety" to ensure that Uhtred would not betray him and go to the Danes. She was later baptized, which helped alleviate the resentment against her, before she was killed during the Battle of Ethandun.Hild
Hild (Hildegyth) is a nun who had been raped and prostituted after being captured by the Danes before being rescued by Uhtred, Steapa and Alfred in The Pale Horseman. She becomes Uhtred's companion and lover after Iseult's death and accompanies him back to NorthumbriaNorthumbria
Northumbria was a medieval kingdom of the Angles, in what is now Northern England and South-East Scotland, becoming subsequently an earldom in a united Anglo-Saxon kingdom of England. The name reflects the approximate southern limit to the kingdom's territory, the Humber Estuary.Northumbria was...
in Lords of the North. During this time Uhtred's attraction to Gisela was a factor that made her reconsider joining the church. When Uhtred discovered that he had been sold into slavery by Guthred as a condition of his alliance with his uncle Ælfric, he bequeathed his possessions to Hild. Hild then returned to Wessex where she recovers Uhtred's hoard of wealth which he had buried before journeying to Northumbria. She uses the hoard and the promise that she would return to the church and found a nunnery dedicated to helping the poor and sick of Wessex to convince Alfred to mount an attempt to rescue Uhtred. After Uhtred was liberated and returned to Wessex, he retrieved his armor and weapons from Hild, now the Abbess Hildegyth, who also gave him a small silver cross which he then had worked into the hilt of his sword Serpent-Breath. According to Uhtred, Hild was later revered as a saint.
Gisela
As of Sword SongSword Song (novel)
Sword Song is the fourth in the bestselling Saxon Stories series from historical novelist Bernard Cornwell. The protagonist, Uhtred, holds the fate of Wessex in his sword again and the book follows Alfred's efforts to protect Wessex and unite England...
, Uhtred is married to the Danish
Denmark
Denmark is a Scandinavian country in Northern Europe. The countries of Denmark and Greenland, as well as the Faroe Islands, constitute the Kingdom of Denmark . It is the southernmost of the Nordic countries, southwest of Sweden and south of Norway, and bordered to the south by Germany. Denmark...
Gisela, sister of King Guthred of Cumbraland. When Uhtred was betrayed by Guthred in condition to his alliance with AElfric, Gisela was devastated. She determinedly waited for Uhtred to return and soon after Uhtred took Dunholme, they were married. She often relies on Viking runes to tell her of the future (she shares her predictions with Uhtred). She has sworn not to leave Uhtred's side and they have two children as of 'Sword Song'. In 'The Burning Land' she dies of childbirth, much to Uhtred's grief. Uhtred was fiercely loving and loyal to Gisela, and wept bitterly at her death, though only to Finan. In the book Burning Lands Uhtred accidentally beat a blind priest to death, out of anger, for calling Gisela a witch (among other things) in Alfred's court after she had passed.
Ethelflaed
After Gisela's death in The Burning LandThe Burning Land
The Burning Land is a novel based in the 9th century Anglo-Saxon kingdoms Wessex, Northumbria and Mercia. It is the fifth book in Bernard Cornwell's Saxon Tales series, and starts where Sword Song left off.-Plot summary:...
Uhtred reneges on his oath to Alfred of Wessex. When Jarl Haesten prepares to attack Mercia, and Ethelred tries to get a divorce from Ethelflaed by having one of his lords to sleep with her (therefore making her an adulterer). Ethelflaed calls on the oath that Uhtred made to her before the attack on Lunden 'Sword Song
Sword Song (novel)
Sword Song is the fourth in the bestselling Saxon Stories series from historical novelist Bernard Cornwell. The protagonist, Uhtred, holds the fate of Wessex in his sword again and the book follows Alfred's efforts to protect Wessex and unite England...
'. Uhtred is persuaded by Father Pyrlig that he cannot break to oath made to Ethelflaed because it was made in love. Uhtred with his some 40 men return to Ethelflaed's side and rescue her from the Lord Aldhem. It is soon revealed that the ailing Alfred of Wessex advised Ethelflaed to use Uhtred's oath. Uhtred's has maintained a friendly relationship with Ethelflaed has been since The Pale Horseman
The Pale Horseman
The Pale Horseman is a novel by Bernard Cornwell, based in 9th Century Wessex and Cornwall, and is the second book in his The Saxon Stories series. The book is the sequel to The Last Kingdom, and starts where that tale left off...
when she was a child. During 'The Burning Land' they fall into a forbidden love. Uhtred sees Ethelflaed as the woman of Iseult's prophecy, 'She will be a woman of gold.' (Ethelflaed has golden hair).
Personality
In his youth, Uhtred is described a restless child, resisting his education and playing with armor and the harp. After his capture by the Danes, his restlessness is shaped into a warrior's fierceness.Uhtred is forced to hate the Saxons because as a "Dane" they are his enemy. After the Danes win battle after battle against the Saxons, he becomes disgusted at their weakness in relying on prayers, and failing to produce decent warriors. He also honestly grows to love Ragnar the Elder as a surrogate father, and his family as his own.
However, during the Danes' first attempt at capturing Wessex, Uhtred discovers a streak of pride at a rare Saxon victory, and feels remorse when his uncle is killed in battle. After Ragnar's death deprives him of his family, he realizes he must rejoin the Saxons, where he develops friendships with several comrades that prevent him from returning to the Danes.
Portrayed as brash and arrogant, Uhtred at first despises Alfred as a weakling who listens too much to the counsel of priests, but, as time goes on (and also writing with the benefit of hindsight), he realizes that Alfred's cleverness is an effective weapon against the Danes, and also that he has a vision of something no one has ever dreamed of before: England united as one kingdom.
Uhtred is often portrayed as having to juggle several conflicting loyalties and priorities: despite having rejoined the Saxons, he still retains his love for his Danish foster brother, Ragnar the Younger, and willingly fights alongside him to avenge the elder Ragnar's death. Outranking all other priorities is his determination to oust his usurper uncle as lord of Bebbanburg and take his rightful place.
Uhtred does not like breaking oaths and is therefore hesitant if he must take one and his arrogance, although rightly earned through the killing of fearsome Danish warlords, gives some people the wrong impression about Uhtred.
Uhtred shows love for his children, his first son died due to swallowing a pebble and choking and although cold at first, he weeps when it actually hits him. His second sons lives well but he shows great love for his daughter, Stiorra, whom he is always playing with and nurturing. Uhtred is a complex character with his own loyalties constantly being questioned, even by himself, though he is a trustworthy man.
Uhtred dislikes the Scots, but has a grudging respect for their fighting abilities. In Lords of the North, Ivar Ivarsson's army is ambushed and decimated by the Scottish king Aed, after Ivar invades Scotland in response to Aed's men raiding across the Border. Uthred, when he hears accounts from survivors of the battle, comments,
"Ivar's shield wall had held, but I could well imagine the ferocity of that battle. My father had fought the Scots many times, and he always referred to them as devils. Mad devils, he said, sword devils. Howling devils. And Ivar's Danes told us how they rallied from that first attack, and used sword and spear to cut the devils down - and still the shrieking hordes came. Climbing over their own dead, their wild hair red with blood, their swords hissing."
In the novel The Burning Land, Uhtred again quotes his father, "Dealing with the Scots is like trying to geld wildcats with your teeth."