Batman Returns
Topics
Batman Returns
Quotations
Quotations
Batman Returns is a 1992 film that pits the caped crusader against both the Penguin and Catwoman.
- Directed by: Tim Burton Written by: Bob Kane and Daniel Waters
Batman/Bruce Wayne
- (last words in the film) Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will towards men... and women.
- (When the Batmobile doesn't compact like it should) Alright, now I'm a little worried.
- (responding to Alfred's comment about "security" when repairing the Batmobile) Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working. I turn around, there she is. (sarcasticallly) "Oh, hi Vick. Come on in!"
The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot
- [To Max] Hi. [Max gasps] I believe the word you're looking for is... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH!!! Actually... this is all just a bad dream. You're home in bed. Heavily sedated, resting comfortably... and dying from the noxious pollutants you've personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony, or poetic justice? You tell me.
- Odd as it may seem, Max, you and I have something in common. We're both perceived as monsters. But somehow, you're a well-respected monster, and I am... to date... not!
- [about his parents] I just want to know... why they did what they felt they had to do... to a child who was born... a little different. A child... who spent his first Christmas - and many since - in a sewer...
- A penguin is a bird that cannot fly! I am a man. I have a name. [pauses] ... Oswald Cobblepot!
- [After visiting his parents' grave] I was their number one son, and they treated me like number two! But it's human nature to fear the unusual. I guess when I reached out to them with a shiny flipper, instead of five chubby digits... they freaked.
- [to Batman, after they both encounter Catwoman] I saw her first. Gotta fly!
- [to a crowd of voters] I may have saved the mayor's baby, but I refuse to save a mayor who stood by, helpless as a baby, while Gotham City was ravaged by a disease that turned eagle-scouts into crazed clowns and happy homemakers into catwomen!
- [seeing Catwoman] Just the pussy I've been looking for.
- [to Catwoman] Why should I trust some Cat-broad, anyway? Maybe you're just a screwed-up sorority chick who's gettin' back at her daddy for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet sixteen.
- [to Catwoman] You're beauty and the beast in one luscious Christmas gift pack.
- You gotta admit, I played this city like a harp from Hell!
- [after a failed attempt to kill Batman] He didn't even lose a limb! An eyeball! Bladder control!
- [when an angry crowd throws various things at him] Why is it that someone always brings eggs and tomatoes to a speech?!
- [showing up at Max's party] You didn't invite me, so I crashed!
- Right now, my troops are fanning out across town, for your children! Yes — for your first-born sons! The ones you left helpless at home, so you could get juiced on Max's Shreggnog, dress up like jerks, and dance, badly!
- [addressing his penguin army] My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish all of God's children! First, second, third and fourth-born! Why be biased?! Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal, with their erogenous souls BLOWN SKY-HIGH!!! FORWAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD MARCH!!! THE LIBERATION OF GOTHAM HAS BEGUN!!!!!
- They wouldn't put me on a pedestal, so I'm layin' 'em on a slab!
- [Choking on his own blood as he aims an umbrella at Batman, only to reveal one with a baby mobile] AUGH! SHIT! I PICKED THE CUTE ONE... UGH, AGHH!... This heat's gettin' to me... AUGH... I'll murder you momentarily... [chokes] But first... I need a cold drink of iced water... [falls over dead]
Catwoman/Selina Kyle
- Wow! The Batman... or is it just Batman? [After meeting Batman for the first time]
- Honey, I'm home! Oh, I forgot. I'm not married.
- [to Schreck] How can you be so mean to someone so meaningless?
- I don't know about you, Miss Kitty, but I feel so much... yummier. [after her first transformation into Catwoman]
- I am Catwoman. Hear me roar.
- [to intervening police officers] You poor guys. Always confusing your pistols with your privates.
- Saved by kitty litter. [looks at the arm Batman napalmed] Bastard.
- Gotta go, girl talk! [After capturing the Ice Princess]
- It's always the so-called "normal" guys that let you down. Sickos never scare me. At least they're committed.
- [to Bruce Wayne, after mutually uncovering each other's secret identities] Oh God... does this mean we have to start fighting?
- [To Bruce after he revels himself as Batman] Bruce... I would... I would love, to live with you in your castle... forever just like in a fairytale [looks at Bruce and scratches him] I just couldn't live with myself! So don't pretend this is a happy ending!!
- [before killing Shreck] How about a kiss, Santy Claus?
Max Shreck
- Imagine a Gotham of the future, twinkling like a blanket of stars... but with lights blinking on and and off, embarrassingly low on juice. Frankly, I cringe, Mr. Mayor.
- Forgot my speech. Remind me to take it out on what's-her-name.
- Mayors come and go, and bluebloods tire easy. Do you think you can go 10 rounds with Muhammed Shreck?
- I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you, with a minimum of fuss! Money, jewels... a very big ball of string.
Other Characters
- Ice Princess: The tree lights up and then I push the button. No, no, wait, wait! I press the button and then the tree lights up, I press the button and then the tree lights up...
Dialogues
- [One of Penguin's men hands him a grimy Christmas stocking]
- Penguin: Ah, what have we here?...
- [He gropes inside, and takes out a flask, opening it and pouring an eerie green liquid out onto a slab of stone. It hisses and dissovles part of it on contact.]
- Penguin: First... a batch of toxic waste, from your "clean textile plant". There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back!
- Max: [slightly nervous] That could've come from anywhere.
- Penguin: What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?
- Max: If there were such documents - and that's not an admission - I would have seen to it they were shredded.
- Penguin: [grins] Good idea...
- [He next gets out some paper - shredded and stuck back together]
- Penguin: ... But a little patience - and a LOT of tape - make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Adkins, your old partner?
- Max: [rattled] Fred? He's... actually, he's been on an extended vacation, and... well, I think he's good.
- Penguin: [chuckles sinisterly] "Good"...
- [He reaches into the stocking again - and pulls out a severed hand]
- Penguin: [scarily cheerful voice] "HIYA, MAX! REMEMBER ME?! I'M FRED'S HAND! YEAH, YOU WANNA MEET ANY OTHER BODY PARTS?!" [normal] Remember, Max; you flush it, I flaunt it.
- Max: [reconsiders] You know what, Mr... Penguin... Sir? I think perhaps I could help orchestrate a little welcome-home scenario for you. And once we're both back home, perhaps we can help each other out.
- Penguin: You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck.
- [He shakes Max's hand - using Fred's severed one and leaving Max holding it]
- Catwoman: Did someone say fish? I haven't been fed all day.
- Batman: Eat floor. (throws her down) High fiber.
- Selina Kyle: Ok, Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean it's not like you can just kill me!
- Max: Actually, it's a lot like that.
- Catwoman: You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for. You're the second man who's killed me this week, but I've got 7 lives left.
- Batman: I tried to save you.
- Catwoman: Mmm... seems like every woman you try to save winds up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe you should retire.
- Catwoman: Please. I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
- Penguin: Ya lousy minx!!! I oughta have you spayed! You sent out all the signals!
- Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.
- Catwoman: But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it.
- Penguin: You're just jealous because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!
- Batman: You might be right.
- Josh: There aren't a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer? (everyone laughs)
- Penguin: It could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood. (everyone laughs again)
- Josh: (to himself, confused) Your nose could... gushing blood? (to Penguin) What do you mean by that--? (Penguin bites his nose)
- [After escaping from a mob, Penguin returns to his underground lair. The place is packed with penguins, who rush to greet him]
- Penguin: My babies... they missed me...
- Red Triangle Clown: Great speech, Oswald-
- Penguin: [knocks him aside] MY NAME IS NOT OSWALD! IT'S PENGUIN!! I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING!!! I AM AN ANIMAL!!!! COLD-BLOODED!!!!!
- Red Triangle Clown: I mean killing sleeping children... isn't that a little...
- (Penguin shoots him)
- Penguin: No! IT'S A LOT! (kicks the dead henchman into the sewage river)
- Penguin: You don't really think you'll win, do you?
- Batman: Things change.
- Female Passerby: He's like a frog that turned into a prince!
- Male Passerby: He's more like a penguin...
- Max: Selina?! Selina Kyle. You're fired. (to Batman) And Bruce Wayne. Why are you dressed up like Batman?
- Catwoman: Because he is Batman, you moron!
- Max: Was.
- [Batman saves Shreck from Catwoman]
- Max: You're not just saving a life, you're saving...
- Batman: Shut up. You're going to jail.
- Catwoman: Don't be naīve! The law doesn't apply to people like him or us!
- Batman: Wrong on both counts.
- Catwoman: You killed me. The Penguin killed me. Batman killed me. That's three lives down - you got enough in there to finish me off?!
- Max: One way to find out.
- (Max shoots Catwoman twice)
- Catwoman: Four... five... Still alive!
- (Max shoots Catwoman twice more)
- Catwoman: Six... seven... all good girls go to heaven...
- (Max fires the gun again, but it is empty)
- Catwoman: (laughs) Two lives left... I think I'll save one for next Christmas. But in the meantime... How about a kiss, Santy Claus?
Cast
- Michael Keaton - Batman/Bruce Wayne
- Danny DeVito - The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot
- Michelle Pfeiffer - Catwoman/Selina Kyle
- Christopher Walken - Max Shreck
- Michael Gough - Alfred Pennyworth
- Pat Hingle - Commissioner James Gordon
- Michael Murphy - the Mayor
- Vincent Schiavelli - the Organ Grinder
- Andrew Bryniarski - Charles "Chip" Shreck
- Cristi Conaway - the Ice Princess
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