Destroy All Humans! Quotations

Destroy All Humans! is a video game developed by Pandemic Studios and published by THQ. The player controls Cryptosporidium-137, a member of the Furon race of aliens, who has come to Earth to harvest DNA from humans to continue the cloning process of his species.

Cryptosporidium

Any of those monkeys try to mess with me and I'll rip 'em a new asshole!

[about a cow] But they're covered in nipples!

What's shakin', Pox? You look a little... what's the word... constipated.

Alright monkeys, you want a war, you got a war.

Don't get mad, get sadistic.

I think this calls for the JUMBO PROBE.

I've gotta rescue me - him - he's gotta rescue me - I mean we gotta - I gotta - brains, man - WHEN DO I GET TO BLOW THINGS UP?!

[Disguised as President Huffman] The truth is, America has been invaded though not by little green men, but red and the invaders are definitely of this Earth. America has been invaded by Communists.

Attention humans. I am Cryptosporidium of the planet Furon. This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire. Resist THIS.

No more blowing stuff up?

Pathetic Humans!

Orthopox

(After letting the game sit for a while) Well, it's your electric bill. You could turn the console off you know. Haven't you ever heard of global warming?

(After letting the game sit for a while) Oh don't mind me, I'm only a fictional character in a simulated universe, after all. I have nothing better to do, really. I'm just made up of a bunch of electrons floating around your console, and a few hundred kilobytes of data stored on your DAH disk... DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO MEEEE!!!

(After letting the game sit for a while) Didn't anyone tell you? The name of the game is "DESTROY ALL HUMANS!", not "SCREW AROUND ON THE MOTHERSHIP!"

(After letting the game sit for a while) Why don't you hurry up and eat you fish and chips and watch your television?!

[in Mothership if left idle] Take a step outside the Mothership. There's a whole planet filled with humans just waiting to be stepped on!

[if the player can't afford upgrades] If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding. (a reference to Pink Floyd's "A Brick In The Wall")

[if the player can't afford upgrades] Oh, and I suppose you think I'm just going to hand over upgrades for a song?!

Crypto! That human law-enforcement officer is attempting an unauthorized entry of your spacecraft! If those peabrains were to get their hands on your QUANTUM DECONSTRUCTOR, they could rip a hole in the spacetime continuum!!! Oh, the Furonity! VAPORIZE THEM, CRYPTO!!!

Oh no! The crackpot is dead. Now you have no choice, you have to find Bert Wither on your own!

Brains? ... Healthy green glow? ... THOSE HUMAN FOOLS! Clearly, they've genetically altered these pathetic gasbags and turned them into RADIOACTIVE EXPLODING ZOMBIE COWS! Show them the folly of their mad science!

I didn't clone you to think, Crypto.

Robo-Prez is getting away! It looks like he's heading for the Coolidge Memorial! Or is that the Rutherford B. Hayes Monument? Oh, I should have kept a hold on that tourist map!

ROBO-PREZ! ROBO-PREZ! He's heading for the white building! No, the OTHER white building! You know, the one with the statue of the tall ugly guy with the beard, he's, like, Amish or something...

Oh, how cute! Robo-Prez is all hurt, and he's picking up his brain-stem and heading home! Poor little Robo-Prez! Everyone is so mean to him! FOLLOW HIM TO THE WHITE HOUSE AND CRUSH HIM LIKE A TIN CAN IN A TRASH COMPACTOR!

We cannot allow Sleepy Ernst to turn humanity into his own supply of science guinea-pigs! They should be OUR guinea-pigs!

Crypto, it's an ambush! Circle the wagons! Throw me a shotgun! Get the womenfolk inside-- Oh, I must stop watching human television. Ah, screw it. DESTROY THEM ALL!

[about the saucer] Here's the keys, and do be careful with this on, 00-- I mean, Crypto.

The humans are trying to stop my film! KILL THE BASTARDS! Have they no appreciation for art?

We can subjugate the humans to the reign of the Furon Empire! AHAHAHAHAHA- [coughs]

It's time to capture one of those Men in... Really-Dark-Brown, and give him a good probing. What do you say... up for a little fun?

Hmmm... passengers and compounds appear to made of carbon components. They must have gotten the soylent-green leather interior. Pricey option.

They've sent in their cyborgs! Can Steve Austin be far behind?

I detect military units approaching from the south... with my Military Unit Detector-O-Tron! Oh, just take my word for it!

We can peer into the minds of lower life forms via the cortex scan. Rip the illiterate thoughts from their pathetic little brains!!!!

So what would you like to upgrade, you little ball of unbridled aggression?

[after Crypto scans a cow] "Moo"? Primitive, yet profound. Scan another one!

What we need to do is find the dumbest most malleable human in the area. Admittedly, the competition will be fierce. YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO SCAN THEM ALL!

[in reference to the zombie cows] They must have gathered them for study. Can't imagine what they hope to learn.

Majestic Agents

Aww, dammit, this fire's gonna ruin my suit!

Come back, so I can slap you on a dissection table!

Polly wanna goddamn craker?!

[if shot at with anal probe] Ahh! You freak, leave my butt alone!

I know what you're thinking, ladies. And yes, I'm available.

Boy do I look good-- Scratch that, I look REAL good!

I have to report to Hoover again. Please, GOD, let him be wearing pants this time!

Why does Silhouette give me these jobs? I wonder if it's because I hit on her at the Christmas party?... Oh, wait, no one's supposed to know Silhouette's a chick. Scratch that thought.

I could take that guy. And that guy. And her.

Others

Crazy Scientist: I heard that the dolphins are doing a good job contacting the extraterrestrials. I heard that from the mice! (a reference to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Farmer Turnipseed: Shoo! I ain't heard anything like that since my Uncle Cletus injured himself at a post Thanksgiving party in '42.

U.S Army Soldier: C'mon, you glory hounds! You wanna live forever?! Let's stop that little commie! Find him, neutralize him!

Mutant Government Agent: One... plus... one... equal... window! Hurr... hurr...

Mutant Government Agent: Think... hurt... Ouch!

Mutant Government Agent: Bizarro... World... pretty...

Mutant Government Agent: Must... kill... "Mupersan"!

Mutant Government Agent: [being levitated] Up... up... and away!!

Crazy Hobo: The end is nigh! It's... really, really nigh!

Crazy Hobo: Oh, who am I kidding? The end isn't nigh. What does "nigh" mean, anyway?

Crazy Hobo: The electricity; it speakes to me! So does that trashcan. Oh, and the small birdies.

Tannoy: Attention, space freak. You are completely surrounded. You have exactly ten seconds to drop your weapons and hypnotize yourself into a coma. 10... 9... 8... 7654321! GODDAMN FIRE!!!

Crazy Scientist: So, there were these astronauts on a star trek in a galaxy far, far away, but they turned out to be DAMN DIRTY APES! YOU MANIACS!

Scientist: If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. Heh.

Capitol City Civilian: This town is getting way too crowded. A million people is just too much. It would be great if something just came along and swept everything away with, say, a super-heated deathray...

Soldier: [while on fire] Requesting permission to roll around in the dirt, SIR!

Soldier: Soldier would wish to report he is on fire, SIR!

Soldier: [seeing Crypto in area 42] No children allowed here!!

Scientist: [in reference to the Nuclear bomb] I sincerely hope that we do not have to use this weapon in battle. On the other hand, if we do, IT'S GOING TO LOOK WICKED COOL!

Scientist: [in reference to the Nuclear bomb] This device could kill a million Communists in the blink of an eye! Papa would be so proud...

Farmer: Think about baseball. Think about baseball. Oh, Rock Hudson. NO, DAMMIT! Think about baseball! Think about baseball!...

Soldier: Y'know, it occurs to me. What if we shouldn't be messing around with nuclear explosives? What if we're just not ready? Maybe man was not meant to flirt with his own annihilation in such a cavalier way without at least first developing the ethnical maturity to use such awesome power... Aw, what the hell? Nuke 'em all and let God sort it out!

Cop:: Attention, please step away from the flaming police officer. That is all, thank you for your cooperation.

Cop: To serve and protect, to serve and protect, to serve and protect, to swerve and defect, to... curve and perfect.. dammit, I lost it!

Cop: Calling all backup! We have a 1052: officer being levitated!

Cop: Like answers, smart guy? What... is your name?

Cop: Bill of Rights? Who the hell needs a Bill of Rights?! I'm Bill, and I'm right!

Cop: Nightstick: check! Taking bribes from local gangster: check! Sense of moral superiority over fellow citizens: check! Time to arrest me some peeps!

Cop: Now if only I could find a cowboy, an Indian and a construction worker, I could form that new singing group down at the village. What would we call ourselves I wonder? "The City People", "The Village Folk", or something...

Scientist: I'm working on something called the Internet, but I'm worried it won't catch on...

Crypto: [holobobed as the mayor] Greetings, my fellow agricultural engineers. Everything is normal. Return to your pathetic human lives.

Suburban Female: If only there were some way to electronically facilitate the private viewing of illicit photography, like some sort of computing device with a screen... Ah, it'll never happen.

Farmer: [when firing at Crypto] Say hello to my little friend! [A quote made by Tony Montana in Scarface].

Crazy Woman: Is it just me or is the sidewalk oozing? No, no, it's just me!

Farmer: I loves my Bessie... but I loves my steak. Bessie, Steak, Steak, Bessie... Oh, Lord, why do you make me choose?!

Crazy Woman: My mind says Pistachio, but my body says Rocky road... MY STOMACH SAYS PEANUT BRITTLE, HA!!

US Army Soldier: [when lifted] If I wanted to fly, I'd have joined the frickin' Air force!

Suburban Crazy: I love Bert Whither, even though he called me a crackpot on that TV interview he said lukewarm fusion wouldn't work but I know it would if only I'd have gotten the funding but I didn't thanks to Bert Whither. Bastard.

Rural Crazy: I saw the finest minds of my generation consumed by madness. I also the feeblest minds of my generation cosumed by madness. There's nothing to howl about really.

Huffman: As long as I live, I'll never forget the look on that alien's face... squeal, Crypto 136, squeal like a pig! And he did, dammit! [he is vaporized]

Mayor: Now that you are all here I'd like to say er... please stay in your homes.

Farmer: It's a good day to die, you little bastard!

Farmer: You know, sometimes I think about some poor damn bastard who has to wake up at 4 in the morning to do menial work for no pay, and... oh, wait a minute... THAT'S ME! Aw, shoot!

Santa Modesta Female: If my kitchen is not the cleanest and shiniest in this whole town, I'll crush anyone who disagrees...with my dainty manicured fist.

Silhouette: All this power... yet I still make 76 cents for every dollar a man makes.

Silhouette: Hmm... what am I doing tonight? Oh yeah, the same thing I'm doing every night - TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Santa Modesta Male: It's like we travelled to a future where TV was in color, and they made a program of our happy days in Santa Modesta.

Cowboy: I wonder what's for dinner tonight. Oh yeah, steak. I want a salad! Is that so wrong?

Soldier: Keep on the lookout for any significant occurrences no matter how insignificant they may be.

Sleepy Ernst: Soon I'll prove the human mind can be controlled by televised propaganda and then I'll start my own cable news network! Where the heck are those Majestic Agents? America ain't gonna brainwash itself!

Bert Whither: That Rock Hudson...what a dreamboat...DID I JUST THINK THAT?! Ummm...uh lumberjacks...uh football...Ah, that's better.

Air Force Commander: I AM THE GOD OF THUNDER!

Dialogue

Orthopox: Shall I tell you a secret? Few of our people know this, but the DNA patterns in our clone banks are becoming more and more degraded with each new clone.

Cryptosporidium: That's bad right?

Orthopox: Only if we want to retain our immortality through cloning. OF COURSE IT'S BAD!

Cryptosporidium: You're a smart cookie. But there's a time for thought and a time for action! And this is one of those times!

Orthopox: Which?

Cryptosporidium: The second one!

Cryptosporidium: [to himself] They eat with their mouths? Ugh! I think I'm going to be violently ill! [to the cow] Attention Earth creature, this planet is now part of the Furon empire, your benevolent masters welcome you.

Cow: Moo!

Cryptosporidium: At this time, we wish to abduct you for the purpose of scientific research. The procedure will be protracted and invasive. Do you have any objections?

Cow: Moo!

Cryptosporidium: Earth Creature, I am addressing you! Respond or be vaporized!

[cow unloads its bowels]

Cryptosporidium: I don't care how many stomachs you have, I don't have time for this!

Mrs. Turnipseed: AAAAHHHHH! Little green space men!

Cryptosporidium: I. Am. Not. Green!

Majestic Agent 1: Did you see what I saw?

Majestic Agent 2: You bet your sweet ass I did. What did you see?

Majestic Agent 1: Little green man in a flying saucer wiping out the best unit in the U.S. Army.

Majestic Agent 2: Right! Good! Me too! Green? Not grey?

Majestic Agent 1: Don't be a stiff. You know what it means?

Majestic Agent 2: Absolutely! What?

Suburban Male 1: What a great guy. He must really love pool parties.

[Crypto scans the Mayor]

Mayor: You'd think with all the power I have in this town I could ban these stupid pool parties.

Farmer: How does any of that explain the destruction at the fair?

Crypto: [disguised as mayor] It doesn't! Hahaha!

Majestic Agent 1: Subliminal TV messages. What will Majestic think of next?

Majestic Agent 2: Search me.

Majestic Agent 1: Do you have any idea what a rhetorical question is?

Majestic Agent 2: Nope, not a clue.

Orthopox: This human 'Whither' says the President will appear before his subjects today. This 'President' must be more integral to their social society than I expected. I have noticed a significant increase of activity surrounding the White House.

Cryptosporidium: Right, just tell me where he is an what he looks like.

Orthopox: I...uh...hm...er...the mothership's tracking system is broken. I think he uses those convoys of long black vehicles for transit.

Cryptosporidium: You think?

Orthopox: I can't exactly pinpoint the President from orbit Crypto. It's not as if he walks around with a big red arrow over his head!

Orthopox: Alright Crypto. I've analyzed the data that you've collected, and I've found the perfect candidate for you to...

Crypto: ...Probe and vaporize?

Orthopox: No, abduct and bring back to the mothership.

Crypto: My way's more fun.

Orthopox: Abduct. Not vaporize.

Crypto: Okay, but humanity ain't gonna annihilate itself, all I'm saying.

Orthopox: Can I finish?

Crypto: Can I stop you?

Rural Female: Well now hold on! How come people in Santa Modesta haven't experienced anything like this yet?

Mayor: Because we're real Americans and they're not. Next.

Air Force Commander: General Armquist, good of you to come, thought you might have been too busy to join us.

Armquist: Never too busy to see the Air Force fall flat on its face, Jack.

Air Force Commander: Corporal Patterson, let's show our guests what this bottle-rocket can do. [Patterson gives a signal as a UFO shaped Air Force plane takes off] VERTICAL TAKE OFF AND LANDING! HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES? [the UFO plane crashes hardly to the ground and begins smoking]

Armquist: That's it? That's your ultimate weapon?

Air Force Commander: PATTERSON! GET OVER THERE AND TELL HIM TO GET THAT THING RIGHT BACK IN THE AIR RIGHT THIS SECOND! OR HE'LL BE TESTING GO-CARTS FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS!

Armquist: Forty-million dollars for that?

Mayor: [someone asks about glowing cows] Why do you think they're glowing, they've been probed!

Rural Male: That's a stinking lie! I would never touch a cow like that!

Rural Male: It looked like someone had stuck some sort of device up the poor thing's...

Fair Worker: ...clap-trap, and after all that I didn't even get to see Miss Rockwell, she just walked right on by with her...

Rural Female: ...bales laid out flat in circles like Fourth of July pinwheels.

[after all antenna are bent]

Orthopox: Alright, I'm increasing the power...[antenna start shaking rapidly] CRYPTO! The signal's too strong! Humans are weak, their minds can't handle strong frequency! You have to bend the antenna back before they- [human heads start exploding] -eeww, that had to happen. Ugh. [pause] Crypto, where are you?!

Crypto: [shot of Crypto running down a street, screen goes black] Snack time.

General Armquist: So you didn't want to destroy us?

Cryptosporidium: No, we were as scared as you. Deep in our hearts I think we wanted to be just like you.

General Armquist: I guess... at the end of the day we really are just... human beings.

Cryptosporidium: Psyche!

[he shoots Armquist]

Orthopox: Now that their President is dead, the human senators are voting for a new President and the vote is agonisingly close!

Cryptosporidium: Doesn't the Vice President automatically become President?

Orthopox: Just shut up and kill those senators before they get to the Capitol!

Crypto: [after Silhouette reveals herself] YOU'RE A CHICK?!

Silhouette: I'm a patriot! If you had to sit in a room and deal with men playing ass-grab all day, you would wear a mask too.

[After destroying the Roboprez]

Cryptosporidium: Man, I love the smell of presidential brains in the morning.

Orthopox: Just remember who set that giant POTUS of destruction upon you!

Cryptosporidium: Riiight...

Orthopox: You know who I mean!

Cryptosporidium: Oh, that Silhouette guy, right? Or chick?

Orthopox: Could you do me a favor and NOT creep me out?!

Cryptosporidium: Sure.

Orthopox: In any case, he-- I mean, she ran from the capitol. I lost sight of him-- her-- SILHOUETTE near the--

Silhouette: Attention, Furons! Attention, Furons! Is this thing on? Oh, whatever. I know you little grey freaks can hear this. I'm sure you're out there listening... gloating.

Cryptosporidium: Pretty much, yeah.

Orthopox: It seems only fair.

Silhouette: Credit where credit is due. You did it. You beat my beautiful Roboprez, and now you're probably sitting around fantasicing about "destroying all the humans". Typical. Sure you handled the boys: Armquist, Huffman. Oh, that was a challenge (!) [chuckles] But everybody knows which sex is dominant on this planet! There's still plenty of time to get your asses handed to you! That is, if you're not too scared to fight a girl..?

Cryptosporidium: Nah, I'm not hung up on the whole pudenda thing...

Silhouette: So come on, Crypto. Let's dance. I'll even let you lead... I'm at the Octagon. Don't keep me waiting.

Worker: Little green men!

Crypto: Not again! Color blind moron! [points disintegrator at worker] Die! [doesn't work] Eh? What did you do with my clip monkey boy?

Worker: Phew.

Crypto: So much for wholesale carnage. I guess I'll just have to settle for ripping your limbs off one by one with my bare hands, until I find it...with my bare hands.

Worker: AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Silhouette: Fool... do you think America is the only civilization on this planet?

Cryptosporidium: Well, all the Americans seem to think so.