Dylan Moran is an Irish comedian, actor and writer, best known for his work in Black Books.

Early appearances (circa 1997)

• It's not easy being a man! Oh no... I had to get dressed today... and there are other pressures.
  • On Comedy Store in 1997

• Don't clap, I'm not a fucking jazz band.

Black Books (2000-2004)

• As Bernard Black, the anti-social, chain smoking and heavy drinking owner of fictional bookshop Black Books, with Manny (played by Bill Bailey) and Fran (played by Tamsin Greig).

• Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.

• You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

• In reply to Manny, played by Bill Bailey's Question: Do you think I should wash my beard?
• I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

• Whores will have their trinkets.

• In the episode, The Grapes of Wrath:

Manny- You are a filth *wizard*. Friend only to the pig and the rat. Ugh. Look? (opening an old box of pizza)

Bernard- Pizza. I was going to warm it and eat it later. Everybody does that. That's normal. You are just looking
for things to complain about.

Manny- And what are these?

Bernard- ...wasps.

Monster (2004)

• It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.
  • On laws in Dublin prohibiting smoking in public places

• What else are you supposed to give hookers in hotel rooms? "Yoghurt, anybody? I made some yoghurt this morning, would you like some? It's got Granola and everything. You sure? Go on, have a bit."
  • On public figures who get caught in hotel rooms with prostitutes and cocaine

• Vodka is a very deceptive drink, because you drink it and you say, "Why are we drinking this? This is nothing, it has no smell, no taste! Why are we—Why are we on a traffic island?"

• It turns you into two people: one of you's very nice, you'll go up to complete strangers and say, "Come in, come in, sit down, for God's sake, have something. Have my bed." And then you'll go up to people you've known and loved all your life and say, "Get the fuck out of my house. Go on, get out! And leave a tip!"
  • On whiskey

• The most dangerous drink is gin. You have to be really, really careful with that. And you also have to be 45, female and sitting on the stairs. Because gin isn't really a drink, it's more a mascara thinner. "Nobody likes my shoes! I made... I made fifty... fucking vol-au-vents, and not one of you... not one of you... said 'Thank you.'" And my favourite: "Everybody, shut up. Shut up! This song is all about me."
  • On the effects of gin

• I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.
  • On dining out at a friend's house.

• What's going on? What do we do now? "Don't fuck anybody or you die! Never mind, here comes MC Hammer."
  • On sexual freedom throughout generations

• I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.

• "I got my pecs, I got limos, I got bitches, and all my limo's powered by bitch juice, and my spare pecs are in the limo." ... "I'm gonna fuck you up. I'm gonna dig up your dad, and shove him up your mum and drink your blood from a drinking cup, you fuck!"
  • Describing rap music

• Then this song came on—I will never forget it—it was called "The Funk Soul Brother." And I will always remember that because it was also all of the lyrics... and, er, it was that school of songwriting, you know, very easy on the words in case they get wasted... I don't know what... there's a shortage, and... it sounded like a million fire engines chasing ten million ambulances through a war zone and was played at a volume that made the empty chair beside me bleed. And it went, erm, "Funk soul brother... right about now... yeah... it's the, it's the funk soul brother... check it out. It's, er, well... it's the funk soul brother, essentially. He's, er, he's coming. He's coming at you. It's the... well... it's the funk soul brother." And after a while, I began to penetrate the meaning of this song, you know? I gathered that somebody was about to arrive, and everybody else was terribly excited. Maybe he was bringing cake or something, they didn't say. But the thing was, you see, he wasn't there yet. Ha ha, that was the hook! I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get—I don't know—a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls.
  • On The Rockafeller Skank by Fatboy Slim

• "Oh, how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you because there's not enough time in the day! Please go away!"
  • On breakups, were people not lying

• Chocolate bread! That's how they start the day. It's only going to escalate from there. By lunchtime you're fucking everybody you know. I was in Paris recently—they are very good at pleasure. I was walking by a bakery—a boulangerie, which is fun to go into and to say, even—and I went in, a childish desire to get a cake—"Give me one of those chocolate guys," I said—and I was talking to someone on the street, took a bite... I had to tell them to go away! This thing! I wanted to book a room with it. "Where are you from, what kind of music are you into? Come on!" Proper, serious pleasure. Because they know they're gonna die. Nobody goes to church. You think, we're gonna die, make a fucking nice cake.
  • On the French attitude to life

• "Well, you know what they say about John, anyway?"

"Well, no I don't. Wh—what do they say?"

"Well, you know, apparently he's, uh, he's, you know, he's— [cocks leg] Oh yeah."

"I'm sorry, what are talking about?"

"You know, if I have to spell it out, apparently he's, you know, still picking up twigs in the springtime. Oh yes, one of Yul Brunner's hairdressers. Likes his toast done on three sides, yes."

"What are you talking about?"

• On euphemisms for homosexuals

• "Death before dishonour." I always used to wonder, Hey, exactly how much dishonour are we talking about here? 'Cause I could handle quite a lot. I would, for instance, fellate a Smurf before I picked death. I'd cook him a little Smurf omelette as I was doing it, you know, I'd be perfectly happy doing that. Seasoning it with thyme, you know, listening to his happy satisfied Smurf lip smacks. But every man thinks about Smurfs. They don't say it, but they do. That's why I'm here—to be honest. Just once, you know, what would it be like? Nobody needs to know, you go away for the weekend. Just once, to have the blue salty bulb lolling on your tongue... if I don't say it, nobody else will."
  • On regimental mottos

• And they say that after people make love there's a kind of melancholia that descends; la petite mort, you know, the little death. Well, I'm here to tell you, after a romantic night in with yourself, there's a very acute sensation of failed suicide.

• This stage, if it hasn't already, probably will see a production of the Vagina Monologues. Which I cannot wait to see, because it sounds so fabulously fucking stupid. Everybody knows that if female genitalia could speak, it would sound exactly like Enya.

• I don't want to make any huge generalisations about women, I'm not here to do that, it's—it's vulgar. But all I'll say is that they have no feelings. Because it's actually men, you'll find, who are the far more romantic. Men are the people you will hear say, "I've found somebody. She's amazing. If I don't get to be with this person, I'm fucked. I can't carry on, no, I mean it, she's totally transformed my life. I have a job, I have a flat, it means nothing. I can't stand it, I have to be with her. Because if I don't, I going to end up in some bedsit, I'll be alcoholic, I'll have itchy trousers. I can't—I can't walk the streets any more." That is how women feel about shoes.

Like, Totally (2006)

• America is like the really bad flatmate of the world: 'Oh sorry, did I break all your shit? I d'n't know it was yours. Yeah, I'll replace it sometime... with my stuff.'

• You had an empire once, Britain. Had a great empire! Impressively commandeered and sequestered from the rest of the world, with great style. You just marched in and said 'You, you and you—fuck off, we're having tiffin.'

• You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.
  • On driving

• I got bored of the tedious conversations, talking to the dealer in a stairwell where you're not supposed to be, then going back to a depressing room and spending nine hours locked up going "eeerh", then going back to get more with what little money you have left.
  • On drugs

• I usually never leave the house, but we went to Australia recently—the whole family was there—it was a ridiculous place. Located three quarters of a mile from the surface of the sun, people audibly crackling as they walk past you on the street. That's why they all barbecue, you don't need to cook somewhere like that, you just bring the shit out, fling it on a grill and it bursts into flames. It's not supposed to be inhabited, and when they're not doing that, frying themselves outside, they all fling themselves into the sea, which is inhabited almost exclusively by things designed to kill you. Sharks, jellyfish, swimming knives, they're all in there.

• You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts...' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler...

• German food is so bad, even Hitler was a vegetarian. "Would you like some more shtrudleghraf on your shamlw?" How appetising does that sound?

• It sounds like typewriters eating tinfoil while being kicked down the stairs.
  • On the German language

• Because that's still how Irish people are seen, as twinkly-eyed fuckers with a pig under their arm, high-stepping it around the world, going 'I'll paint your house now, but watch out, I might steal the ladder later, ohohoho!' Which is only half true!

• Somewhere like Ireland, it's more hotblooded, there's drama included in the fabric of every day, it's there every moment. People wake up going OH GOD! WHAT TIME IS IT?' 'It's six minutes to nine.' 'IS IT? I THOUGHT IT WAS ONLY SEVEN MINUTES TO, WE'RE ALL FUCKED! WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?—DON'T TELL ME, I CAN'T BEAR TO HEAR, I'LL LOOK FOR MYSELF. AAAH! IT'S FIERCE/MILD! WHAT ARE WE HAVING FOR BREAKFAST? ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT THING AGAIN WITH THE BREAD WHERE YOU PUT IT IN THE BOX AND BURN IT? WHOSE TROUSERS ARE THESE? COME ON, WE'LL BOTH TRY THEM AT ONCE AND SEE WHO WINS.' It's just more emotional at all times. For no real reason.

• If somebody blocks you when you're walking, you're positively Edwardian in your manners. You do this sheepish little smile together, and you step aside. And you both do it at the same time, and you go "for goodness sake, what a to-do! Oh-ho-ho, dear me! I'll just eh, I'll just—oh, we did it again, can you believe it, I can't believe it! We should be on the stage! One more time, I'll just—oh, how did we ever get this far as a species!" But, for some reason, in a car, that becomes "YOU SPUNK BUCKET!".... from, you know, an eighty nine year-old church warden.
  • Oh behaviour displayed on foot and in cars.

• Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of California. There's a perfectly ordinary English sentence. How did that happen!? Do you know how that happened? 'Cause I'll tell you. Do you know how he got into that position? He got there by lifting things. Now, you and me, we avoid lifting things. It's unpleasant, especially heavy things. Even a five-year-old child knows this. He'll go "No, ha ha, fuck it, no, I'll go and stick Lego up my arse, I'm not doing that, no no." He took a different approach. He lifted the heavy... and you know, you lift something if you have to. Piano falls on granny, you lift the piano… 'cause Granny has mixed feelings about the whole situation. Sunday lunch continues. He didn't do any of that. He went over to the heavy thing, and lifted it, and put it back down and didn't move it anywhere... and then he did it again, hundreds of times, and he said to people who stopped to observe this aberrant behaviour, "Look how good I am... at lifting the heavy thing, in my underpants." Now that may seem a little dim. But it was they who said "You're the man. You're the one we want to deal with immigration, and water rates, and taxes, and all that kinda shit." But wait—what we need to know is, how bad was his predecessor at that job? This must've been someone who came to work covered in children's blood every morning.

• The candlelight dances off her mahogany-coloured skin as she un-robes—and then the cage comes down!
  • On love

• Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely.'

• Your nose hair... which is grey... is in my eye.
  • On how to hurt the ones you really love

• The meaning of the word "gay" has changed. It used to mean all colourful and happy and homosexual, but now it's a word children use to describe something that's a little bit meh. "You're eating Weetabix? Oh, that's so gay."

• When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.'

• You're not an adult at all. You're just a tall child holding a beer.

• Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.
  • On children sleeping in parents' beds

• Children are actually very sophisticated. They sleep in your bed for a reason. The child is born, it takes a look around, and thinks 'Well this isn't quite what I'd hoped for. All these people are idiots... I wouldn't've have painted the house like this at all... But I've got to make the best of it. I've got to maximize my resources. So the key thing is to stop these people from having any more children.'

• Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.

• Children aren't like that, which is why they look so young, 'cause they always have a sense of style and purpose. When they're walking around, they have a very definite purpose, they're walking. And it's a great walk as well, it's not an adult sort-of amused shuffle, it's that 'I'm going over here.' And you say 'Why are you going over there?' 'Because I have a harmonica.' 'What are you doing with the harmonica?' 'I'm going to put it in the toilet.'

• Cool, calm, and unemotional. Protestant, for short. It's a fantastic religion, it makes absolutely no demands upon you at all, which is why it's not a great religion. All great religions are built on shame. You don't have any of that if you're Protestant. You go to the church, sing a few hymns, have a cup of tea, everybody goes home and has a wank.

• I'm quite a compulsive person—I only worked this out recently—I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.

• We want women to look like cakes!
  • On lingerie

• Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"

• Do you know how fat you are, do you? No, you don't, 'CAUSE YOUR FACE IS AN ISLAND TRAPPED IN A SEA OF FLAB! I would stab you to death... but I can't afford to take the two weeks off work!
  • On relationships with fat people

• "Listen, LISTEN... I agree... with everything... you're carving... on the kitchen table, I do. But do you think maybe this might have something to do with your per-ARGH!"(falls backward as if kicked). That first high kick to the thorax generally does the trick.
  • Talking with women about their periods

Other

• "Hi, how are you today? I'm Tony, I'm going to be your server. I've got some very exciting specials to tell you folks about right here. We've got our deep-pan re-re-fried chocolate ice cream pizza, which comes with a complementary pacemaker. If you're watching your weight you might want to try our NoHo Protein Salad, absolutely delicious. Philippe, our maitre d', will dig out some photographs of you looking kind of tubby, you know, on the Internet, and then we all kind of point and laugh at you and just sort of rub a single chickpea on your lip until you cry. Would you like some water?"
  • During a skit before a commercial break on BBC America Comedy Live Presents Dylan Moran (2005)

• It's a totally inhospitable place, you shouldn't be here—the sun—you live about three quarters of a mile from it; I've seen insects walking around with kneepads; you fling yourselves into the sea when you're not actually walking around audibly crackling in the heat. And the sea is full of things designed exclusively to kill you—sharks, jellyfish, swimming knives, they're all there. But yet you persist in living here. So you know, it's a jail you live in. It's lovely, you've done wonderful things with it, but you're all still in denial.
  • On Australia

• Shut up, you wretch! I rescued you from the city streets. Without me you'd still be fucking bouncing into buildings out there in the laser neon rain with the tabloids poltergeisting through the air, wondering where the fuck you are, you clueless dolt! I took you in for the waif you were, rescued you from every doorway which was a waiting set of jaws—every half-closed window, a pirate's eye—I took you in and rescued you from your own stupidity! If you had a shred of moral decency, you'd chain yourself to the radiator and devote the rest of your life to acts of sexual abasement!
  • On relationships