E=MO² (1985)

• Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"

• How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

• I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

• New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

• People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

• When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!"
  One day when they were away, I went to the door and opened it... and I saw birds and trees...

• When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me!

• When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

• You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

• You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!

A Fine How Ya Do

• Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.
  • Opening line

• I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, keep your purse."

• People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

• The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."

• Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

• Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

Track Two + Track Two continued

• I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

• I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

• My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.

GQ Magazine - 75 Funniest Jokes of All Time (June 1999)

• I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." (55)

• I discovered my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!" (54)

• I was walking across a bridge one day and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said,

"Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

"Well, there is so much to live for."

"Like what?"

"Well, are you religious?"

He said yes.

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow, me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915."

I said, "Die, heretic," and pushed him off. (44)