Sources

• The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

- quoted in "Forbes‎" - Vol. 166, Page 156, de Bertie Charles Forbes - Forbes Inc., 2000

The wife and marriage

• Take my wife—please!
• My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts eating.
• My wife wanted her face lifted. They couldn't do that. But for $80, they lowered her body.
• My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours, and that was only for the estimate.
• My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.
• Now she's on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight. But she can climb a tree!
• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
• All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

Spite, venom, and gleeful denunciations

• If there's never been a suicide in your family, why don't you break the monotony?
• If there's ever a price on your head, take it.
• I looked high and low for you. I didn't look low enough.
• What got you out of the woodwork?
• You're the kind of person I would like to have over when I have the measles.
• Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness whenever you go.
• Look, I'm not going to engage in a battle of wits with you. I never attack anyone who is unarmed.
• I'd like to introduce you to some friends of mine. I want to break off with them.
• I like you—I have no taste—but I like you.
• The more I think of you the less I think of you.
• I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.
• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
• You have a ready wit. Let me know when it's ready.
• To Dean Martin—Dean, if you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
• Want to have some fun? Walk into an antique shop and ask: "What's new?"

Miscellaneous

• I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up—they have no holidays.

• He hit me among my face.

Religion

• A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
• I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.
• A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
• Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.