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Hercules
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Hercules is a 1997 film about the adventures of Hercules, the son of Zeus in Greek mythology.
Directed by Ron Clements and John Musker. Written by Ron Clements, Barry Johnson, Don McEnery, Irene Mecchi, John Musker and Bob Shaw.

A Comedy of Epic Proportions

Hercules

  • Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay. And then that, that play, that, that, that Oedipus thing. Man! I thought I had problems.

  • But, Father, I've defeated every single monster I've come up against. I-I'm... I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm... I-I'm an action figure!

  • A true hero. Great! Uh, exactly how do you become a true hero?

The Narrator and the Muses

[First lines]
Narrator: Long ago, in the far away land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes... was the mighty Hercules. But what is the measure of a true hero? Now that is where our story--
Muse: Would you listen to him?!
Muse 2: He's making the story sound like some Greek tragedy!
Muse 3: Lighten up, dude!
Muse 4: We'll take it from here, darling.
Narrator: You go, girls.

Meg

  • [about Hercules] He comes on with his big, innocent farm boy routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute.

  • You know how men are. They think "No" means "Yes" and "Get lost" means "Take me. I'm yours."

  • Thanks for everything, Herc. It's been a real slice.

  • [while Hercules stutters for an answer] Are you always this articulate?

  • Bye-bye, Wonderboy.

  • I'm a big tough girl. I tie my own sandals and everything.

  • Megara. My friends call me Meg. At least they would if I had any friends. So did they give you a name along with all those rippling pectorals?

  • [getting down from Pegasus] I'll be fine. Just get me down before I ruin the upholstery.

  • [seeing Hercules hiding from fans behind a curtain] Let's see. What could be behind curtain number one?

  • [after a mob of female fans have left Hercules] It's all right. The sea of raging hormones has ebbed.

  • Everyone in Greece thinks you're the greatest thing since they put the pocket in pita.

  • I thought I smelled a rat. [Hades arrives] Speak of the devil.

  • [as she lays dying in Hercules' arms] People always do crazy things... (groans) when they're in love.

  • Do you think your nanny goat would go [squeezes a stress-toy replica of Phil] beserk if you played hooky this afternoon?

  • Ah Phil Shmill. Just follow me. Out the window, round the dumbbells, you lift up the back wall, and we're gone.

  • [Hades shoots fire at a Hercules vase and it explodes] Nice shootin' Rex.

Hades

  • How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat! Huh! (No one replies.) So, is this an audience or a mosaic?

  • It's a small underworld, after all, huh?

  • Zeusy, I'm home!

  • You are correct, sir!

  • Memo to me, memo to me: maim you after my meeting.

  • He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans, hey. They bet on the wrong horse, okay?

  • [Hercules has just given up his immortal strength] You may feel just a little quesy, it's kind of natural. Maybe you should sit DOWN!! (on down, pins one of Hercules's weights on him. Being fully mortal now, he cannot lift it) Now you know how it feels to be just like everyone else. Isn't it just, peachy?

  • [to the Titans] Uh, guys? Olympus would be that way.

  • I'm about to rearrange the cosmos, and the one schlemiel who can louse it up is WALTZING AROUND IN THE WOODS!!!

  • Alright, so here's the trade-off. You give up your strength for about 24 hours-- Okay, say the next 24 hours, [fast] and-Meg-here-is-as-free-as-a-bird-and-safe-from-harm,-you-dance,-you-kiss,-you-schmooze,-you carry-on,-we-go-home-happy...-Whaddaya-say?-Come-on.

  • Meg, Meg, Meg, my sweet, deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy but ever-so-crucial tiny little detail? I OWN YOU!!!

  • Baboom. Name's Hades, Lord of the Dead, hi, how ya doin'?

  • Guys, get your titanic rears in gear and kick some Olympian butt!

  • Gotta blaze. I have a whole cosmos out there waiting for me... with, hey, my name on it.

  • [after Pegasus blows out the flames on his head] Whoa! Is my hair out?

  • Game, Set, Match.

  • My favorite part of the game. Sudden death.

  • We were so CLOSE!! We were so close, we tripped at the finish line! Why? Because our little nut Meg had to go all noble.

  • [heard after the credits end] What d'ya say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little slice of somethin' but me. I got nothin'. I'm-- I'm here with nothin'. Is anybody listening?! It's like I'm-- What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace?! Hello, it's me. Nobody listens.

Phil

  • Two words: I. Am. Retired! [Hercules finger-counts in confusion]

  • I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yusses".

  • (Looking at a heroic-looking statue of a soldier in armour) And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all; the build, the foot-speed. He could jab! He could take a hit! He could keep on comin'! [pause] BUT THAT FORSLUGGINER HEEL OF HIS! He barely gets nicked there once (he flicks the statue´s heel and it explodes into tiny fragments) and kaboom! He's history.

  • Yeah, I had a dream. I dreamed I would train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars for everyone to see. And everyone would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right. Ah, but dreams are for rookies, kid. A guy can only take so much disappointment.

  • One town, a million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The Big Olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.

  • Keep your toga on, pal.

  • Rein it in, rookie. You can get away with mistakes like those in the minor decathalons, but this is the big leagues!

  • Nymphs, they can't get their hands off me.

  • WILL YOU FORGET THE HEAD-SLICING THING!?

  • [singing] It takes more than sinew, comes down to what's in you, you'll have to continue to gro-o-ow! Now that's more like it!

  • Hold it. Zeus is your father, right? [scoffs incredulously] Zeus! The big guy! [makes cradling motion] He's your daddy! [laughs] Mr. Lightning Bolts! Read me a book, will ya, da-da? [laughs, then puts on a gruff voice] "Once upon a time..."

  • [On Pegasus who is acting like a police helicopter and yelling through a bullhorn] ALL RIGHT BREAK IT UP! BREAK IT UP! PARTY'S OVER! I'VE BEEN LOOKIN' ALL OVER THIS TOWN!

  • [singing] My answer is two words: ... (Lightning strikes him) ... Okay!

  • Like painting a masterpiece, it's a work of heart.

Hermes

  • Fabulous party. Y'know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself.

  • Uh, Hephaestus has been captured, my lord. Everyone's been captured. (Pain and Panic grab him) Ah! I've been captured! Hey, watch the glasses.

Dialogue

Panic: Hades is gonna kill us when he finds out what happened.
Pain: You mean, if he finds out!
Panic: Of course he's gonna f-- If.. if is good.


Hercules: But... aren't you... a damsel in distress?
Meg: I'm a damsel. I'm in distress. I can handle this. Have a nice day.


Hercules: Um, are you all right, Miss-(gets slapped in the face with Meg's hair)
Meg: Megara. My friends call me 'Meg' - at least they would if I had any friends. So do you have a name along with all those rippling pectorals?
Hercules: Uh...I uh...I...
Meg: Are you always this articulate?
Hercules: Hercules! [clears throat] My name is Hercules.
Meg: Hercules, huh? I think I prefer 'Wonder Boy'.


Hercules: It seems to me that what you folks need is - a hero!
[None of the Thebians look impressed]
Thebian Man: Yeah? And who are you?
Hercules: I happen to be...a hero!


Hercules: How am I supposed to be a hero if nobody will give me a chance?
Phil: You'll get your chance! You just need some kind of catastrophe or disaster!
Meg: Help! Help, somebody!
Hercules: (brightening) Meg?
Phil: Speaking of disasters...


Meg: Look, it wasn't my fault, it was this wonder boy Hercules!
Panic: Hercules...why does that name ring a bell?
Pain: I don't know - maybe we owe him money?
Hades: What was that name again?
Meg: Hercules. (Hades turns red with fury, Meg continues without noticing) He comes on with his big, 'innocent farmboy' routine but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute!
Pain: Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to - (they both spot Hades reaching for them)
Both: OH, MY GODS!!!
Pain: Run for it!
Hades: (grabbing them) So you "took care" of him, huh?! "Dead as a doornail." Weren't those your exact words?
Pain: This might be a different Hercules!
Panic: Yeah, I mean Hercules is a - very popular name nowadays!
Pain: Remember, like, a few years ago - every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Britney?!
Hades: I'm about to rearrange the cosmos...and the one schlemiel who can louse it up is WALTZING AROUND IN THE WOODS!!!


Hercules: You know, wh-when I was a kid, I-I would have given anything to be exactly like everybody else.
Meg: You wanted to be petty and dishonest?
Hercules: Everybody's not like that.
Meg: Yes, they are.
Hercules: You're not like that.
Meg: How do you know what I'm like?


Hercules: Meg, when I'm with you, I-I don't feel so alone.
Meg: Sometimes it's better to be alone.
Hercules: What do you mean?
Meg: Nobody can hurt you.


Boy: Sorry, Herc, but we've already got five, and we want to keep it an even number!
Hercules: Hey, five isn't an even-


Hades: You work for me! If I say "Sing", you say "Hey, name that tune!" If I say "I want Wonder-Boy's head on a platter", you say...
Meg: "Medium or well done?"


Hades: I can't believe this guy! I've thrown everything I've got at him, and it doesn't even-- [hears squeaking, and sees that Pain is wearing "Hercules" sandals] What... Are... Those?
Pain: Uh, I don't know. I thought they looked kinda dashing!
Hades: Look, I've got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for eighteen years goes up in smoke... and you... are wearing... HIS... MERCHANDISE?!?!
[Hades is burning up with rage, but his flames turn blue again; he and Pain look left when they hear slurping - Panic is drinking "Herculade"]
Panic: [laughs nervously] Thirsty?
Hades: [burning up again] Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace!!!!!
[Cut to far away, as Hades explodes]


[Phil is getting ready to leave Thebes. Meg, riding Pegasus, comes flying in.]
Meg: Phil! Phil, Hercules needs your help.
Phil: [angrily] What does he need me for when he's got friends like you?
Meg: He won't listen to me.
Phil: Good! He's finally learned something.
[He starts to leave again but is stopped when Pegasus and Meg fly in front of him.]
Meg: Look, I know what I did was wrong, but this isn't about me, it's about him. If you don't help him now, Phil, he'll die.


[After Hercules regains his godliness]
Zeus: Fine work, my boy! You've done it! You're a true hero.
Hera: You were willing to give your life to rescue this young woman. [indicates Meg]
Zeus: For a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.

Other

Atropos (Third Fate): Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big.

Calliope: From that day forward, our boy Hercules could do no wrong. He was so hot, steam looked cool.

Thebians: All we need now is a plague of locusts. (locust croaks) That's it. I'm moving to Sparta!

Boy: Nice goin', Jerk-ules.

Boy: Someone call IX-I-I!!! [Note: Roman numerals for "9-1-1"]

Zeus: I NEED MORE THUNDERBOLTS!

Cast

Silverdale Interactive © 2024. All Rights Reserved.
 
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