Trailer/Prologue

Church: Sigh, great, I'm sure this will all end well. [Walking to blue base] You know, I can't believe those idiots are responsible for my death. TWICE. It's embarrassing is what it is.

Caboose: FIRE! That's bad. Bad fire! BAD FIRE GO AWAY.

Church: If I was killed by an alien, or a monster, or some sorority blow job massacre, that I could handle. [Looking over blue base]

Caboose: Everything stop burning!

Church: And look at this, this is my legacy? I mean what did I do with my life to diverse this.

Caboose: I mean it! [Fire keeps spreading]

Church: Sigh, this has all gone so wrong.

Tex: Well, what are you going to do about it Church?

Church: Do? What can I do Tex, I'm dead. Gone.

Tex: Oh come on Church. They say your never COMPLETELY dead if someone still remembers you.

Church: Yeah, but look who's left to remember me. Him?

Caboose: [comes out running on fire] Oh God, now I'm burning. That's much worse than all of things BURNING!

Church: Sure feels like being dead. Like all the way dead. Like someone encased me in cement and fired me into the sun dead.

Caboose: Why does it keep chasing me?! [falls into a lake] Ahh, that's nice.

Church: It's just a long way back for us.

Tex: Okay, so then we're done?

Caboose: [Walking into the base] Okay, let's try that again. But with less fire on me this time!

Church: No. No we're not done.

Tex: Well then if we're not done, let's get started.

Church: Hey, have I ever mentioned how helpful you are to me? I mean you're so full of fucking wisdom. What would I ever do without you?

Tex: Heh, I try my best. And you have no one to blame but yourself.

Chapter 1: Don't Get Me Started

Simmons: I don't see the point in announcing we're going to attack. Why don't we just do it?

Sarge: There's an order to this, Simmons! We can't abandon protocol just because we have an advantage! We have to give him a chance to see the errors of his Blue ways! To lay down his arms and meet us as his fellow men at the table of peace, where we can work together towards a better world... a world that's better because we poisoned his food at that table and stabbed him in the eye with a fork and taken all his stuff.

Simmons: ...Dibs on the computer!

Chapter 2: Free Refills

Sarge: Where's Simmons?

Grif: Simmons? If you wanted Simmons, then why didn't you yell like a lunatic for Simmons?

Sarge: Damn it, Grif! Your duty is to watch Simmons, so that I know where to find him. Simmons watches Donut, and Donut watches me.

Grif: Yeah well, who watches me?

Sarge: Nobody.

Sarge: Where is he?

Grif: He's downstairs working on your holographic simulatron-or whatever you call it.

Sarge: Excellent work Private Grif!

Grif: Wow! Thanks, sir.

Sarge: I'd recommend you to a shinny metal!

Grif: Okay, you're being sarcastic right now aren't you?

Sarge: Oh absolutely! Wait was your question sarcastic?

Grif: Who knows? Probably? Unless-wait are you being sarcastic right now by asking that?

Sarge: Hmm. Maybe we should drop this conversation.

Grif: Hey! Where's Donut?

Sarge: Simmons! Where is he?

Simmons: How would I know?

Sarge: Watchin' Donut's one of yer duties!

Grif: Ooh, Hoo, Hoo! Busted!

Simmons: Eh, who cares?

Chapter 3: Visiting Hours

Sarge: He won't give you any info. He'll die before he reveals anything. You hear that Donut? You'll die before you talk! We all know that, keep up the good work.

Grif: Hey, Sarge, maybe there's a ransom.

Sarge: Good thinkin'! What do you want, Blue?

Caboose: What do I want? Do you have any cookies?

Sarge: Yer demands! Ya have ta give us yer demands!

Caboose: I demand cookies!

Sarge: You're just toyin' with us! Yer evil Blue ways have no bounds!

Grif: Yeah!

Caboose: Well at least I don't go around-knocking on people's non-doors-promising cookies, and then NOT GIVING THEM COOKIES!(Runs back inside)

Caboose: (Popping out) I'm leaving!(Goes back in)

Chapter 7: Bon Voyage

Sarge: Hey, be careful with the new gun, it hasn't passed any real world testing yet.

Simmons: It hasn't passed any fake world testing. It's passed zero tests.

Sarge: Which means the enemy can't possibly know about it. We've got the initiative.

Simmons:(Quietly) Yay. We got something. Big dummy.

Sarge: We'll be back as soon as we help the Blue, and then we'll kill him.

Caboose: Guys, I really appreciate this.

Sarge: Look Grif, sand.

Grif: Yeah, we're on a beach.

Sarge: Donut said there was sand. That means we're on the right track

Grif: Know what else he told us? The coordinates to where we're going.

Sarge: Another clue!

Grif: That's not a clue. There's no mystery. We're driving there.

Sarge: Come on, let's get going before the trail gets cold.

Chapter 16: Retention Deficit

Epsilon Church: Uh oh.

Caboose: What? What happened?

Epsilon Church: Crap. Instead of turning on my long-term memory, I think I just shut off my short-term memory.

Caboose: Oh... is that bad?

Epsilon Church: Huh? Is what bad?

Caboose: Your memory thing getting shut off.

Epsilon Church: Who shut off my memory?

Caboose: You did.

Epsilon Church: I did what?

Caboose: Shut off your memory.

Epsilon Church: Why do you want me to shut off my memory?

Caboose: No, it's already shut off.

Epsilon Church: What is?

Caboose: Your memory.

Epsilon Church: Yeah, what about it?

Tucker: Wow, well this is a drastic improvement.

Chapter 19: Think you know someone

Chairman: Agent Washington, when you find these blue soldiers that you're talking about, what makes you think that they are just going to give you the Epsilon unit?

Washington: Heh, for as long as I can remember, I've been lied to, taken advantage of, shot in the back, and left for dead. And now, I have a way out of all of this. What in the hell make you think that I'm going to ask for it?!