Open marriage
Encyclopedia
Open marriage typically refers to a marriage
in which the partners agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relationships
, without this being regarded as infidelity
. There are many different styles of open marriage
, with the partners having varying levels of input on their spouse's activities. Open marriages place high value on honesty, especially of needs and wants.
Nena O'Neill and George O'Neill changed the meaning of the term with the 1972 publication of their book Open Marriage
, which sold over 1.5 million copies. The O'Neills conceived open marriage as one in which each partner has room for personal growth and can develop outside friendships. Most chapters in the book dealt with non-controversial approaches to revitalizing marriage in areas of trust, role flexibility, communication, identity, and equality. Chapter 16, entitled "Love Without Jealousy", devoted 20 pages to the proposition that an open marriage could include some forms of sexuality with other partners. These concepts entered the cultural consciousness and the term "open marriage" became a synonym for sexually non-monogamous marriage, much to the regret of the O'Neills. In the 1977 publication of The Marriage Premise, Nena O'Neill advocated sexual fidelity in the chapter of that name. By then however, the concept of open marriage as sexually non-monogamous marriage had gained a life of its own.
Today, with many committed couples not seeking formal marriage, the term is frequently generalized to 'open relationship
' or 'responsible non-monogamy'.
and Swinging
communities. Despite their distinctions, however, all open marriages share common issues: the lack of social acceptance, the need to maintain the health of their relationship and avoid neglect, and the need to manage jealous rivalry.
Many couples have rules such as: No emotional attachment, must use protection, never in 'our bed/home', no illegitimate children, and/or must or must not know who the other person is, and so on.
Some open marriages are one sided as well. One partner who may need more sexual gratification than the other is free to seek it out where he/she sees fit, all while maintaining a functional emotional relationship with their full-time partner.
is illegal, regardless of whether the partner(s) has given their consent. Open marriage is not the same thing as polygamy
, where sexual relationships are not necessarily contemplated, but rather one can have more than one simultaneous spouse, which is said to protect individual and marital property rights.
Marriage
Marriage is a social union or legal contract between people that creates kinship. It is an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged in a variety of ways, depending on the culture or subculture in which it is found...
in which the partners agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual relationships
Adultery
Adultery is sexual infidelity to one's spouse, and is a form of extramarital sex. It originally referred only to sex between a woman who was married and a person other than her spouse. Even in cases of separation from one's spouse, an extramarital affair is still considered adultery.Adultery is...
, without this being regarded as infidelity
Infidelity
In many intimate relationships in many cultures there is usually an express or implied expectation of exclusivity, especially in sexual matters. Infidelity most commonly refers to a breach of the expectation of sexual exclusivity.Infidelity can occur in relation to physical intimacy and/or...
. There are many different styles of open marriage
Open marriage styles
Styles of open marriage are distinctions between open marriages based on the motives for participating in open marriage and on the nature of extramarital relationships....
, with the partners having varying levels of input on their spouse's activities. Open marriages place high value on honesty, especially of needs and wants.
History of the term
The origins of the term open marriage remain obscure. Researchers in the 1960s used the term open marriage to describe individual freedom in choosing marriage partners. Closed marriage meant individuals had to marry someone based on social prohibitions and social prescriptions. Open marriage meant individuals could choose to marry someone based on personal preferences.Nena O'Neill and George O'Neill changed the meaning of the term with the 1972 publication of their book Open Marriage
Open Marriage (book)
Open Marriage was a best selling book published by M. Evans & Company in 1972 by Nena O'Neill and George O'Neill. It was on the New York Times best-seller list for 40 weeks...
, which sold over 1.5 million copies. The O'Neills conceived open marriage as one in which each partner has room for personal growth and can develop outside friendships. Most chapters in the book dealt with non-controversial approaches to revitalizing marriage in areas of trust, role flexibility, communication, identity, and equality. Chapter 16, entitled "Love Without Jealousy", devoted 20 pages to the proposition that an open marriage could include some forms of sexuality with other partners. These concepts entered the cultural consciousness and the term "open marriage" became a synonym for sexually non-monogamous marriage, much to the regret of the O'Neills. In the 1977 publication of The Marriage Premise, Nena O'Neill advocated sexual fidelity in the chapter of that name. By then however, the concept of open marriage as sexually non-monogamous marriage had gained a life of its own.
Today, with many committed couples not seeking formal marriage, the term is frequently generalized to 'open relationship
Open relationship
An open relationship is an interpersonal relationship in which the parties want to be together but agree to a form of a non-monogamous relationship. This means that they agree that a romantic or sexual relationship with another person is accepted, permitted, or tolerated...
' or 'responsible non-monogamy'.
Relationship maintenance
The impact of open marriage on relationships varies across couples. Some couples report high levels of marital satisfaction and have long-lasting open marriages. Other couples drop out of the open marriage lifestyle and return to sexual monogamy. These couples may continue to believe open marriage is a valid lifestyle, just not for them. Still, other couples experience serious problems and claim open marriage contributed to their divorces. All couples in open marriages may therefore want to pay attention to their relationship maintenance behaviors.Ground rules
Couples involved in open marriages or relationships typically adopt a set of ground rules to guide their activities. Ground rules in relationships allow partners to coordinate their behaviors so they achieve shared goals with fewer conflicts. Some ground rules are universal in the sense that they apply to virtually all relationships in a particular culture. Other ground rules apply to specific kinds of relationships, such as friendships or marriages. Still other ground rules are designed to manage romantic rivalry and jealousy. The ground rules adopted by sexually monogamous couples tend to prohibit behaviors that are viewed as acts of infidelity. The ground rules adopted by sexually open couples tend to prohibit behaviors that provoke jealousy or health sexual concerns. Partners may change the ground rules of their relationships over time. One example of a changing ground rule includes where a married couple decides to separate. Without divorcing, they are still legally married. However, they may choose to continue cohabitation.Open marriage styles
Couples in open marriages may prefer different kinds of extramarital relationships. Couples who prefer extramarital relationships emphasizing love and emotional involvement have a polyamorous style of open marriage. Couples who prefer extramarital relationships emphasizing sexual gratification and recreational friendships have a swinging style of open marriage. These distinctions may depend on psychological factors such as sociosexuality and may contribute to the formation of separate PolyamoryPolyamory
Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved....
and Swinging
Swinging
Swinging or partner swapping is a non-monogamous behavior, in which both partners in a committed relationship agree, as a couple, for both partners to engage in sexual activities with other couples as a recreational or social activity...
communities. Despite their distinctions, however, all open marriages share common issues: the lack of social acceptance, the need to maintain the health of their relationship and avoid neglect, and the need to manage jealous rivalry.
Many couples have rules such as: No emotional attachment, must use protection, never in 'our bed/home', no illegitimate children, and/or must or must not know who the other person is, and so on.
Some open marriages are one sided as well. One partner who may need more sexual gratification than the other is free to seek it out where he/she sees fit, all while maintaining a functional emotional relationship with their full-time partner.
Jealousy issues
Couples in open marriage expose themselves to situations that can potentially provoke jealousy. Most couples in open marriages report experiencing jealousy at some point during their marriage. Ground rules are one way to help manage jealousy in open relationships. However, ground rules may not be sufficient. Couples in open marriages may benefit from a general understanding of jealousy and how to cope with it.Open marriage acceptance
Surveys show large majorities of people disapprove of extramarital sexual activity. A few studies show people specifically disapprove of open marriages. Critics have put forward moral, medical, and psychological objections to open marriages. The lack of social acceptance places pressure on couples to hide their open marriages from family, friends, and colleagues. This may limit their social support network.Legal issues
The practice of extramarital sex is often illegal in jurisdictions where adulteryAdultery
Adultery is sexual infidelity to one's spouse, and is a form of extramarital sex. It originally referred only to sex between a woman who was married and a person other than her spouse. Even in cases of separation from one's spouse, an extramarital affair is still considered adultery.Adultery is...
is illegal, regardless of whether the partner(s) has given their consent. Open marriage is not the same thing as polygamy
Polygamy
Polygamy is a marriage which includes more than two partners...
, where sexual relationships are not necessarily contemplated, but rather one can have more than one simultaneous spouse, which is said to protect individual and marital property rights.
Incidence of open marriage
The incidence of open marriage is the frequency with which open marriage occurs. Several definitional issues complicate attempts to determine the incidence of open marriage. People sometimes claim to have open marriages when their spouses would not agree. Couples may agree to allow extramarital sex but never actually engage in extramarital sex. Some researchers define open marriages in highly narrow terms. Despite these difficulties, researchers have estimated that between 1.7 percent and 6 percent of married people are involved in open marriages. The incidence of open marriage has remained relatively stable over the last two generations.Notable people in open marriages
- Edna St. Vincent MillayEdna St. Vincent MillayEdna St. Vincent Millay was an American lyrical poet, playwright and feminist. She received the Pulitzer Prize for Poetry, and was known for her activism and her many love affairs. She used the pseudonym Nancy Boyd for her prose work...
, American poet - Havelock EllisHavelock EllisHenry Havelock Ellis, known as Havelock Ellis , was a British physician and psychologist, writer, and social reformer who studied human sexuality. He was co-author of the first medical textbook in English on homosexuality in 1897, and also published works on a variety of sexual practices and...
, sexologist - Robert CrumbRobert CrumbRobert Dennis Crumb —known as Robert Crumb and R. Crumb—is an American artist, illustrator, and musician recognized for the distinctive style of his drawings and his critical, satirical, subversive view of the American mainstream.Crumb was a founder of the underground comix movement and is regarded...
and Aline Crumb, cartoonists - Charles LaughtonCharles LaughtonCharles Laughton was an English-American stage and film actor, screenwriter, producer and director.-Early life and career:...
, actor, and Elsa LanchesterElsa LanchesterElsa Sullivan Lanchester was an English-American character actress with a long career in theatre, film and television....
, actress - Andrei KirilenkoAndrei Kirilenko (basketball)Andrei Gennadyevich Kirilenko is a Russian-American professional basketball player who plays at the small forward position for the CSKA Moscow in the Russian Professional Basketball League. He also plays for the Russia national basketball team...
, professional basketball player - Cindy MargolisCindy MargolisCynthia Dawn "Cindy" Margolis is an American glamour spokesmodel and actress.-Personal life:Margolis was born in Los Angeles, California, the daughter of Karyn O. and William C. Margolis...
, model - Jean-Paul SartreJean-Paul SartreJean-Paul Charles Aymard Sartre was a French existentialist philosopher, playwright, novelist, screenwriter, political activist, biographer, and literary critic. He was one of the leading figures in 20th century French philosophy, particularly Marxism, and was one of the key figures in literary...
and Simone de BeauvoirSimone de BeauvoirSimone-Ernestine-Lucie-Marie Bertrand de Beauvoir, often shortened to Simone de Beauvoir , was a French existentialist philosopher, public intellectual, and social theorist. She wrote novels, essays, biographies, an autobiography in several volumes, and monographs on philosophy, politics, and...
, philosophers - Will SmithWill SmithWillard Christopher "Will" Smith, Jr. , also known by his stage name The Fresh Prince, is an American actor, producer, and rapper. He has enjoyed success in television, film and music. In April 2007, Newsweek called him the most powerful actor in Hollywood...
, actor, and Jada PinkettJada Pinkett SmithJada Koren Pinkett Smith is an American actress, producer, director, author, singer-songwriter, and businesswoman. She began her career in 1990, when she made a guest appearance in the short-lived sitcom True Colors. She starred in A Different World, produced by Bill Cosby, and she featured...
, actress - Shirley MacLaineShirley MacLaineShirley MacLaine is an American film and theater actress, singer, dancer, activist and author, well-known for her beliefs in new age spirituality and reincarnation. She has written a large number of autobiographical works, many dealing with her spiritual beliefs as well as her Hollywood career...
, actress - Thomas BradenThomas BradenThomas Wardell Braden was an American journalist, best remembered as the author of Eight is Enough, which spawned a popular television program, and was co-host of the CNN show Crossfire...
, journalist - Jenny Block, author of Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage
- Tilda SwintonTilda SwintonKatherine Mathilda "Tilda" Swinton is a British actress known for both arthouse and mainstream films. She has appeared in a number of films including The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Burn After Reading, The Beach, We Need to Talk About Kevin and was nominated for a Golden Globe for her...
, actress, and John Byrne, painter, director and writer - Margaret SangerMargaret SangerMargaret Higgins Sanger was an American sex educator, nurse, and birth control activist. Sanger coined the term birth control, opened the first birth control clinic in the United States, and established Planned Parenthood...
, founder of Planned ParenthoodPlanned ParenthoodPlanned Parenthood Federation of America , commonly shortened to Planned Parenthood, is the U.S. affiliate of the International Planned Parenthood Federation and one of its larger members. PPFA is a non-profit organization providing reproductive health and maternal and child health services. The... - Alfred KinseyAlfred KinseyAlfred Charles Kinsey was an American biologist and professor of entomology and zoology, who in 1947 founded the Institute for Sex Research at Indiana University, now known as the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction, as well as producing the Kinsey Reports and the Kinsey...
, sexologist and wife Clara Bracken McMillen - Mo'Nique, actress/comedian
- Ossie DavisOssie DavisOssie Davis was an American film actor, director, poet, playwright, writer, and social activist.-Early years:...
and Ruby DeeRuby DeeRuby Dee is an American actress, poet, playwright, screenwriter, journalist, and activist, perhaps best known for co-starring in the film A Raisin in the Sun and the film American Gangster for which she was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress.-Early years:Dee was born Ruby...
, actors - Julian BeckJulian BeckJulian Beck was an American actor, director, poet, and painter.-Early life:Beck was born in the Washington Heights section of Manhattan in New York City, the son of Mabel Lucille , a teacher, and Irving Beck, a businessman. He briefly attended Yale University, but dropped out to pursue writing and...
and Judith MalinaJudith MalinaJudith Malina is an American theater and film actress, writer, and director, who was one of the founders of The Living Theatre.-Early life:...
, actors, writers, directors, and founders of The Living TheatreThe Living TheatreThe Living Theatre is an American theatre company founded in 1947 and based in New York City. It is the oldest experimental theatre group still existing in the U.S... - George Henry LewesGeorge Henry LewesGeorge Henry Lewes was an English philosopher and critic of literature and theatre. He became part of the mid-Victorian ferment of ideas which encouraged discussion of Darwinism, positivism, and religious scepticism...
, philosopher. - Larry KingLarry KingLawrence Harvey "Larry" King is an American television and radio host whose work has been recognized with awards including two Peabodys and ten Cable ACE Awards....
, talk show host and Shawn Southwick, singer - Bob CraneBob CraneRobert Edward "Bob" Crane was an American actor and disc jockey, best known for his performance as Colonel Robert E...
, actor and Sigrid ValdisSigrid ValdisSigrid Valdis was the stage name of Patricia Annette Olson, an American actress. She was best known for playing Hilda on Hogan's Heroes.-Early life and career:Valdis began acting in the late 1950s...
, actress - Theodor Adorno, German philosopher, composer, and founding member of the Frankfurt School of Critical Theory http://www.thecnj.myzen.co.uk/westend/2008/112808/wdiary112808.html
See also
- Open marriage stylesOpen marriage stylesStyles of open marriage are distinctions between open marriages based on the motives for participating in open marriage and on the nature of extramarital relationships....
- Open marriage acceptanceOpen marriage acceptanceThe lack of social acceptance for open marriage deals with the generally negative attitudes toward open marriage in Western societies, the reasons for those negative attitudes, and the consequences of those negative attitudes for couples in open marriages....
- Open marriage incidenceOpen marriage incidenceThe incidence of open marriage is the frequency with which open marriage occurs.Several definitional issues complicate attempts to determine the incidence of open marriage. People sometimes claim to have open marriages when their spouses would not agree. Couples may agree to allow extramarital sex...
- Open marriage jealousyOpen marriage jealousyOpen marriage jealousy refers to thoughts, feelings, and behaviors associated with romantic rivalry and jealousy within an open marriage.Couples in open marriage expose themselves to situations that can potentially provoke jealousy. Most couples in open marriages report experiencing jealousy at...
- Open marriage relationshipOpen marriage relationshipRelationship maintenance comprises behaviors partners perform in order to maintain satisfaction and extend the duration of a relationship.The impact of open marriage on relationships varies across couples, yielding positive, neutral, and negative outcomes. Some couples report high levels of marital...