Safeword
Encyclopedia
A safeword is a code word or series of code words that are sometimes used in BDSM
for a submissive (or "bottom
") to unambiguously communicate their physical or emotional state to a dominant (or "top
"), typically when approaching, or crossing, a physical, emotional, or moral boundary. Some safewords are used to stop the scene outright, while others can communicate a willingness to continue, but at a reduced level of intensity. Safewords are usually agreed upon before playing a scene by all participants, and many organized BDSM groups have standard safewords that all members agree to use to avoid confusion at organized play events.
Safewords are generally used by those whose practice of BDSM falls under the guiding philosophy of safe, sane and consensual. Those who practice the more permissive philosophy of risk-aware consensual kink
may abandon the use of safewords, especially those that practice forms of edgeplay
or extreme forms of dominance and submission. In such cases, the choice to give up the use of safewords is a consensual act on the part of the bottom or submissive
.
Safewords can also be useful with young children when tickling or playing scary games such as "shark," "Mommy's going to eat you up," etc.
Since a scene may become too intense for a submissive partner to remember what the safeword is, in practice commonly the words safeword or red are also used as safewords. They are often the default at many play parties, or respected as a safeword in addition to any negotiated safeword. A dungeon monitor
would likely expect either of those words to be respected.
Some partners may also have different gradations of safewords, such as green to mean "Okay" or even "harder" or "more", yellow to mean "slow down" or "stop doing that" without stopping the scene, and red to mean "stop the scene". In this fashion, a dominant partner may ask the submissive partner "What is your color?" to check with a submissive partner without having to stop the scene.
In other circumstances the safeword may not be a "word" at all, which is very useful when the submissive is bound
and gagged
. In these instances a signal such as dropping a bell or a ball, the snapping of fingers, or opening and closing both hands repeatedly or making three clear and rhythmic grunts as a pre-defined signal to stop or otherwise slow down the scene. There is also a convention of tops to put a finger in the "bottom's" hand as a sort of "check in" when the "bottom" has become non-verbal, such as may happen as they reach subspace
. In this scenario the "bottom" squeezes the "top's" finger to indicate OK.
It is considered important in many parts of the BDSM community that the use of safewords should remain "no-fault" so that participants feel encouraged to use it if necessary. Discouraging the use of safewords runs the risk of scenes becoming non-consensual, harming trust between partners and potentially damaging to their mental and emotional state.
A top will often sensibly make clear beforehand that they will not agree to a scene if they do not believe the bottom will use the safeword as soon as they need to, and will not delay using the safeword and endure more than they really want to, simply to avoid disappointing the top, since the top will be far more upset if they unwittingly inflict psychological trauma. In addition, intentionally disregarding the activation of a safeword is considered a serious ethical violation.
While many in the BDSM community consider safewords to be an essential part of safe play, there is a contingent that chooses to occasionally play without using safewords. They rely on the dominant partner to monitor the condition of the submissive partner and stop if necessary, at their discretion. In such circumstances the "bottom" or submissive must have consented
not to have control over the duration of the scene in advance; this is often referred to as consensual nonconsent. Also, some people who routinely play with each other may agree to stop using safe words because they know each other's boundaries and are able to read each others' body language well. In any case "consensual nonconsent" is risky and advanced activity.
"Consensual nonconsent" may also occur if the top and the bottom are reenacting a punishment scene (e.g. a shipboard flogging) in which the offender, played by the bottom, is sentenced to receive a certain number of lashes as punishment. Since the offender would not be able to use a safeword in such circumstances, the parties reenacting the scene agree that it would be "out of character" for them to do so.
, the actors used the safeword of "taco" to indicate that they were going to break character and discuss the progression of the film.
In the 2004 movie EuroTrip
, Jacob Pitts
' character Cooper is unable to pronounce the written safeword "FLÜGGÅƎNK∂€ČHIŒβØL∫ÊN".
In a 2006 episode of Saturday Night Live
, an opening sketch portraying U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
includes the House Speaker discussing the constitutional rights of Americans to engage in "alternative or rough sex" and promotes her preferred and favorite safeword: "palomino".
In several episodes of "How I Met Your Mother
," it is revealed that Robin's
safeword is "Flugelhorn
".
In the movie Hot Rod, the safe word is Whiskey, pronounced wh-hiskey; the safe word did not work however when Rod crashed into a trailer despite yelling the safeword as he careened down a steep road.
In the U.S. television series The Office episode "Woman's Appreciation", it is revealed that Michael and Jan's safeword is "foliage". In the DVD commentary, it is revealed that this was intended as a placeholder
, and the writing staff originally intended to change it to something more humorous before shooting, but failed to do so.
Erotic novels from which a reader could get an education in the uses of "safeword" include Carrie's Story and Safe Word by Molly Weatherfield (a pseudonym of Pam Rosenthal
).
In the movie Another Gay Movie, a character played by Graham Norton says that he uses a bicycle horn instead of safety words just before engaging in activity with another character. During the course of events, his partner uses the horn, causing Norton's character to stop what he's doing and throw up his hands.
In the TV show Castle
it is revealed that Castle's safe word is "Apples", which he later uses when a police officer is jokingly pinching his nose.
BDSM
BDSM is an erotic preference and a form of sexual expression involving the consensual use of restraint, intense sensory stimulation, and fantasy power role-play. The compound acronym BDSM is derived from the terms bondage and discipline , dominance and submission , and sadism and masochism...
for a submissive (or "bottom
Bottom (BDSM)
In BDSM, a bottom or submissive is the partner in a BDSM relationship or a BDSM scene who takes the passive, receiving, or obedient role, to that of the top or dominant....
") to unambiguously communicate their physical or emotional state to a dominant (or "top
Top (BDSM)
In BDSM, a top or dominant is the partner in a BDSM relationship or in a BDSM scene who takes the active or controlling role over that of the bottom or submissive partner....
"), typically when approaching, or crossing, a physical, emotional, or moral boundary. Some safewords are used to stop the scene outright, while others can communicate a willingness to continue, but at a reduced level of intensity. Safewords are usually agreed upon before playing a scene by all participants, and many organized BDSM groups have standard safewords that all members agree to use to avoid confusion at organized play events.
Safewords are generally used by those whose practice of BDSM falls under the guiding philosophy of safe, sane and consensual. Those who practice the more permissive philosophy of risk-aware consensual kink
Risk-aware consensual kink
Risk-aware consensual kink is an acronym used by some of the BDSM community to describe a philosophical view that is generally permissive of certain risky sexual behaviors, as long as the participants are fully aware of the risks...
may abandon the use of safewords, especially those that practice forms of edgeplay
Edgeplay
In BDSM, edgeplay is a subjective term for types of sexual play that are considered to be pushing on the edge of the traditional S.S.C. creed. They would be considered more R.A.C.K...
or extreme forms of dominance and submission. In such cases, the choice to give up the use of safewords is a consensual act on the part of the bottom or submissive
Bottom (BDSM)
In BDSM, a bottom or submissive is the partner in a BDSM relationship or a BDSM scene who takes the passive, receiving, or obedient role, to that of the top or dominant....
.
Usage
A safeword is usually used by the bottom, but can be used by all participants in a scene, including tops, dungeon masters at play parties, and sometimes even observers. For example, a bottom may misbehave intentionally to indicate the desire for harsher treatment, and sometimes a top will need to safeword the scene to let them know it has gone too far for the top to continue the scene. Or, a third party observing a scene may have the ability to spot something dangerous going on that both the top and bottom have missed, and need to stop the scene to point it out.Safewords can also be useful with young children when tickling or playing scary games such as "shark," "Mommy's going to eat you up," etc.
Forms of safewords
A safeword makes it possible for a bottom to say "No" or "Stop" and pretend as much as he or she wants without really meaning it while still having a safe way of indicating they seriously need the scene to stop. In theory a safeword is usually a word that the person would not ordinarily say during sex, such as Rumba, or Oklahoma. With the range of safewords in common use it is important that the safeword be negotiated beforehand.Since a scene may become too intense for a submissive partner to remember what the safeword is, in practice commonly the words safeword or red are also used as safewords. They are often the default at many play parties, or respected as a safeword in addition to any negotiated safeword. A dungeon monitor
Dungeon monitor
A dungeon monitor is a person charged with supervising a playspace at BDSM events such as play parties and fetish clubs. These people may be of any sex and may normally identify as any role , but while on duty their authority is absolute...
would likely expect either of those words to be respected.
Some partners may also have different gradations of safewords, such as green to mean "Okay" or even "harder" or "more", yellow to mean "slow down" or "stop doing that" without stopping the scene, and red to mean "stop the scene". In this fashion, a dominant partner may ask the submissive partner "What is your color?" to check with a submissive partner without having to stop the scene.
In other circumstances the safeword may not be a "word" at all, which is very useful when the submissive is bound
Bondage (BDSM)
Bondage is the use of restraints for the sexual pleasure of the parties involved. It may be used in its own right, as in the case of rope bondage and breast bondage, or as part of sexual activity or BDSM activity.- Private bondage :...
and gagged
Gag (BDSM)
A gag is sometimes worn during some bondage and BDSM roleplays. Gags are usually associated with roleplays involving bondage, but that is not necessarily the case. The person who wears the gag is regarded as the submissive partner, while the one not wearing one is regarded as the dominant...
. In these instances a signal such as dropping a bell or a ball, the snapping of fingers, or opening and closing both hands repeatedly or making three clear and rhythmic grunts as a pre-defined signal to stop or otherwise slow down the scene. There is also a convention of tops to put a finger in the "bottom's" hand as a sort of "check in" when the "bottom" has become non-verbal, such as may happen as they reach subspace
Subspace (BDSM)
Subspace , in the context of a BDSM scene, is a psychological state that can sometimes be entered by the person bottoming in the scene. The term is unrelated to the mathematical term subspace....
. In this scenario the "bottom" squeezes the "top's" finger to indicate OK.
Effects of use
A red safeword is only used when one of the partners needs it to end a scene. Many submissive partners may see the use of a safeword as being weak, and will push themselves past their "comfort" zone to please their partner. This may allow a submissive partner to expand their boundaries and learn what they are capable of but may also expose them to risk if they are pushed too far. Additionally, many dominant partners may interpret the use of a safeword as a failure on their part, i.e., failing to understand body language, to know their partner, or loss of control. This is also why gradations of safewords and/or actions that signify a scene may be becoming too much are commonly used (i.e.,Yellow) so that the partners can safely adjust the scene before crossing boundaries.It is considered important in many parts of the BDSM community that the use of safewords should remain "no-fault" so that participants feel encouraged to use it if necessary. Discouraging the use of safewords runs the risk of scenes becoming non-consensual, harming trust between partners and potentially damaging to their mental and emotional state.
A top will often sensibly make clear beforehand that they will not agree to a scene if they do not believe the bottom will use the safeword as soon as they need to, and will not delay using the safeword and endure more than they really want to, simply to avoid disappointing the top, since the top will be far more upset if they unwittingly inflict psychological trauma. In addition, intentionally disregarding the activation of a safeword is considered a serious ethical violation.
While many in the BDSM community consider safewords to be an essential part of safe play, there is a contingent that chooses to occasionally play without using safewords. They rely on the dominant partner to monitor the condition of the submissive partner and stop if necessary, at their discretion. In such circumstances the "bottom" or submissive must have consented
Consent (BDSM)
Consent within BDSM is an issue that attracts much attention in the field. Practitioners' interests are in ensuring appropriate consent for personal, ethical, and legal reasons...
not to have control over the duration of the scene in advance; this is often referred to as consensual nonconsent. Also, some people who routinely play with each other may agree to stop using safe words because they know each other's boundaries and are able to read each others' body language well. In any case "consensual nonconsent" is risky and advanced activity.
"Consensual nonconsent" may also occur if the top and the bottom are reenacting a punishment scene (e.g. a shipboard flogging) in which the offender, played by the bottom, is sentenced to receive a certain number of lashes as punishment. Since the offender would not be able to use a safeword in such circumstances, the parties reenacting the scene agree that it would be "out of character" for them to do so.
Use in popular culture
During the filming of The Blair Witch ProjectThe Blair Witch Project
The Blair Witch Project is a 1999 American horror film pieced together from amateur footage. The film was produced by the Haxan Films production company. The film relates the story of three student filmmakers The Blair Witch Project is a 1999 American horror film pieced together from amateur...
, the actors used the safeword of "taco" to indicate that they were going to break character and discuss the progression of the film.
In the 2004 movie EuroTrip
EuroTrip
EuroTrip is a 2004 teen comedy film directed by Jeff Schaffer and written by Alec Berg, David Mandel and Schaffer. The main plot follows Scotty "Scott" Thomas from Hudson, Ohio who travels across Europe to search for his German pen pal Mieke , whom he initially mistakes for a man named Mike...
, Jacob Pitts
Jacob Pitts
Jacob Pitts is an actor. His most notable performance was in the film EuroTrip as Cooper Harris. He appeared in the play Where Do We Live at the Vineyard Theatre in May 2004...
' character Cooper is unable to pronounce the written safeword "FLÜGGÅƎNK∂€ČHIŒβØL∫ÊN".
In a 2006 episode of Saturday Night Live
Saturday Night Live
Saturday Night Live is a live American late-night television sketch comedy and variety show developed by Lorne Michaels and Dick Ebersol. The show premiered on NBC on October 11, 1975, under the original title of NBC's Saturday Night.The show's sketches often parody contemporary American culture...
, an opening sketch portraying U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
Nancy Pelosi
Nancy Patricia D'Alesandro Pelosi is the Minority Leader of the United States House of Representatives and served as the 60th Speaker of the United States House of Representatives from 2007 to 2011...
includes the House Speaker discussing the constitutional rights of Americans to engage in "alternative or rough sex" and promotes her preferred and favorite safeword: "palomino".
In several episodes of "How I Met Your Mother
How I Met Your Mother
How I Met Your Mother is an American sitcom that premiered on CBS on September 19, 2005, created by Craig Thomas and Carter Bays.As a framing device, the main character, Ted Mosby with narration by Bob Saget, in the year 2030 recounts to his son and daughter the events that led to his meeting...
," it is revealed that Robin's
Robin Scherbatsky
Robin Charles Scherbatsky, Jr. is a fictional character created by Carter Bays and Craig Thomas for the CBS television series How I Met Your Mother, portrayed by Canadian actress Cobie Smulders.- Early life :...
safeword is "Flugelhorn
Flugelhorn
The flugelhorn is a brass instrument resembling a trumpet but with a wider, conical bore. Some consider it to be a member of the saxhorn family developed by Adolphe Sax ; however, other historians assert that it derives from the valve bugle designed by Michael Saurle , Munich 1832 , thus...
".
In the movie Hot Rod, the safe word is Whiskey, pronounced wh-hiskey; the safe word did not work however when Rod crashed into a trailer despite yelling the safeword as he careened down a steep road.
In the U.S. television series The Office episode "Woman's Appreciation", it is revealed that Michael and Jan's safeword is "foliage". In the DVD commentary, it is revealed that this was intended as a placeholder
Filler text
Filler text is text that shares some characteristics of a real written text, but is random or otherwise generated. It may be used to display a sample of fonts, generate text for testing, or to spoof an e-mail spam filter...
, and the writing staff originally intended to change it to something more humorous before shooting, but failed to do so.
Erotic novels from which a reader could get an education in the uses of "safeword" include Carrie's Story and Safe Word by Molly Weatherfield (a pseudonym of Pam Rosenthal
Pam Rosenthal
Pam Rosenthal is a Brooklyn-born author of erotic historical romance novels. Under the pseudonym Molly Weatherfield she has also written erotic novels in the BDSM genre . She and her husband Michael Rosenthal were part owners of the Modern Times bookstore in San Francisco...
).
In the movie Another Gay Movie, a character played by Graham Norton says that he uses a bicycle horn instead of safety words just before engaging in activity with another character. During the course of events, his partner uses the horn, causing Norton's character to stop what he's doing and throw up his hands.
In the TV show Castle
Castle (TV series)
Castle is an American comedy-drama television series, which premiered on ABC on March 9, 2009. The series is produced by Beacon Pictures and ABC Studios. On January 10, 2011, Castle was renewed for a fourth season...
it is revealed that Castle's safe word is "Apples", which he later uses when a police officer is jokingly pinching his nose.