Shidduch
Encyclopedia
The Shidduch is a system of matchmaking
in which Jewish singles are introduced to one another in Orthodox Jewish
communities for the purpose of marriage.
In Jewish Law, shidduch also refers to what is commonly called engagement
; that is, an agreement to marry. Marrying without such an agreement is considered immoral.
, financial status, family and health status, appearance and level of religious observance.
A shidduch often begins with a recommendation from family members, friends or others who see matchmaking as a mitzvah
, or commandment. Some engage in it as a profession and charge a fee for their services. Usually a professional matchmaker is called a shadchan
, but anyone who makes a shidduch is considered the shadchan for it.
After the match has been proposed, the prospective partners meet a number of times to gain a sense of whether they are right for one another. The number of dates prior to announcing an engagement may vary by community. In some, the dating continues several months. In stricter communities, the couple may decide a few days after originally meeting with each other. Also the age when shidduchim start may vary by community. In frum
circles, especially among Hassidim, eighteen is the age when shidduchim start and shadchanim take notice.
Those who support marriage by shidduch believe that it complies with traditional Judaism
's outlook on Tzeniut, modest behaviour in relations between men and women, and prevents promiscuity
. It may also be helpful in small Jewish communities where meeting prospective marriage partners is limited, and this gives them access to a broader spectrum of potential candidates.
Also, the decision as to whether or not the mate is good can be made with the emotional boundary of the shadchan who, if so desired by the couple, can call and talk to either side in the beginning stages of the dating to iron out issues that can crop up during the dating process. Usually as the couple see more of each other the shadchan backs away and lets the couple manage it themselves. It's expected that the couple keep the shadchan up-to-date on how the shidduch is going at regular intervals.
If the shidduch does not work out, then usually the shadchan is contacted and it is he/she that tells the other side that it will not be going ahead. If the shidduch works out then the couple inform the shadchan of its success.
In recent years, a number of shidduchim sites have appeared on the Internet
.
, who is called "basherte" (female) or "basherter" (male). It can also be used to express the seeming fate or destiny of an auspicious or important event, friendship, or happening.
In modern usage, Jewish singles will say that they are looking for their bashert, meaning they are looking for that person who will complement them perfectly, and whom they will complement perfectly. Since it considered to have been foreordained by God whom one will marry, one's spouse is considered to be one's bashert by definition, independent of whether the couple's marital life works out well or not.
, the servant of the Jewish patriarch Abraham
, made for his master's son Isaac
(Genesis Ch. 24). Abraham gave him specific instructions to choose a woman from Abraham's own tribe. Eliezer traveled to his master's homeland to fulfill Abraham's wishes, arriving at a well. After a short prayer to God for guidance, describing how a virtuous woman might act toward a traveling stranger at the well, Rebekah appeared on the scene and did everything described in Eliezer's prayer. Eliezer then went with Rebekah to her family and appealed them for permission to take Rebekah back with him to be Isaac's wife. Once this permission was granted, Rebekah joined Eliezer on the road home to Isaac. Even so, Isaac gained his own impression of her before agreeing to marry her (Rashi, commentary to Genesis 24:67).
However, when Eliezer proposes to take Rebekah back to Isaac in Canaan
, he is told by Rebekah's family: "Let us ask the maiden" (i.e. Rebekah). This is taken as an instruction for Jewish parents to weigh their child's opinion in the balance during an arranged marriage
. Regardless of whether proper procedure is followed, this is not the end of the decision - it is believed by Jews that the final say belongs to God, who may have different plans (compare with the match of Jacob
& Leah
).
(Bavli Kiddushin 12a, first version) states that academy head Rav
would give corporal punishment
to a man who would marry without shidduchin, that is, without prearrangement by the couple. The text gives three versions of Rav's practice; the other two versions disagree. Some authorities rule according to the first version, while others rule according to the other two versions.
In Kiddushin 41a states that a man should not marry a woman he has not seen, lest he come to violate Love your neighbour as yourself.
The etymology
of the words "shidduch" and "shadchan" is uncertain. The Medieval Rabbi
Nissim of Gerona
(commonly called Ran) traces it back to the Aramaic word for "calm" (cf. Targum
to Judges
5:31), and elaborates that the main purpose of the shidduch process is for young people to "settle down" into marriage (Commentary of the Ran to Talmud, Shabbat 10a).
s in both the Ashkenazi and Sephardi communities, several organisations (most notably Dor Yeshorim
) routinely screen large groups of young people anonymously, only handing them a telephone number and a PIN. When a shidduch is suggested, the candidates can phone the organisation, enter both their PINs, and find out whether their union could result in critically disabled children. Although often receiving criticism, since its construction there has been a sharp decrease in the number of children born with Tay-Sachs disease
and other genetic disorders.
Matchmaking
Matchmaking is any process of matching two people for the purpose of marriage or a sporting contest.-Practice:In some cultures, the role of the matchmaker was and is quite professionalized...
in which Jewish singles are introduced to one another in Orthodox Jewish
Orthodox Judaism
Orthodox Judaism , is the approach to Judaism which adheres to the traditional interpretation and application of the laws and ethics of the Torah as legislated in the Talmudic texts by the Sanhedrin and subsequently developed and applied by the later authorities known as the Gaonim, Rishonim, and...
communities for the purpose of marriage.
In Jewish Law, shidduch also refers to what is commonly called engagement
Engagement
An engagement or betrothal is a promise to marry, and also the period of time between proposal and marriage which may be lengthy or trivial. During this period, a couple is said to be betrothed, affianced, engaged to be married, or simply engaged...
; that is, an agreement to marry. Marrying without such an agreement is considered immoral.
The practice
In strictly Orthodox Jewish circles, dating is limited to the search for a marriage partner. Both sides (usually the parents, close relatives or friends of the persons involved) make inquiries about the prospective partner, e.g. on his/her character, intelligence, level of learningTorah study
Torah study is the study by Jewish people of the Torah, Hebrew Bible, Talmud, responsa, rabbinic literature and similar works, all of which are Judaism's religious texts...
, financial status, family and health status, appearance and level of religious observance.
A shidduch often begins with a recommendation from family members, friends or others who see matchmaking as a mitzvah
Mitzvah
The primary meaning of the Hebrew word refers to precepts and commandments as commanded by God...
, or commandment. Some engage in it as a profession and charge a fee for their services. Usually a professional matchmaker is called a shadchan
Shadchan
Shadchan is a Hebrew word for matchmaker.The word Shadchan often refers to Shadchonim or people who carry out Shidduchim as a profession within the Orthodox community. However, Shadchan can also be used to refer to anyone who introduces two single Jews to one another with the hope that they will...
, but anyone who makes a shidduch is considered the shadchan for it.
After the match has been proposed, the prospective partners meet a number of times to gain a sense of whether they are right for one another. The number of dates prior to announcing an engagement may vary by community. In some, the dating continues several months. In stricter communities, the couple may decide a few days after originally meeting with each other. Also the age when shidduchim start may vary by community. In frum
Frum
The Yiddish adjective frum , from the German fromm, meaning "devout" or "pious", is a Yiddish word meaning committed to be observant of the 613 commandments, or Jewish commandments, specifically of Orthodox Judaism...
circles, especially among Hassidim, eighteen is the age when shidduchim start and shadchanim take notice.
Those who support marriage by shidduch believe that it complies with traditional Judaism
Judaism
Judaism ) is the "religion, philosophy, and way of life" of the Jewish people...
's outlook on Tzeniut, modest behaviour in relations between men and women, and prevents promiscuity
Promiscuity
In humans, promiscuity refers to less discriminating casual sex with many sexual partners. The term carries a moral or religious judgement and is viewed in the context of the mainstream social ideal for sexual activity to take place within exclusive committed relationships...
. It may also be helpful in small Jewish communities where meeting prospective marriage partners is limited, and this gives them access to a broader spectrum of potential candidates.
Also, the decision as to whether or not the mate is good can be made with the emotional boundary of the shadchan who, if so desired by the couple, can call and talk to either side in the beginning stages of the dating to iron out issues that can crop up during the dating process. Usually as the couple see more of each other the shadchan backs away and lets the couple manage it themselves. It's expected that the couple keep the shadchan up-to-date on how the shidduch is going at regular intervals.
If the shidduch does not work out, then usually the shadchan is contacted and it is he/she that tells the other side that it will not be going ahead. If the shidduch works out then the couple inform the shadchan of its success.
In recent years, a number of shidduchim sites have appeared on the Internet
Internet
The Internet is a global system of interconnected computer networks that use the standard Internet protocol suite to serve billions of users worldwide...
.
Bashow
The prospective partners either date each other or in stricter communities they go to a "bashow"., or sit in. A typical bashow scene is that the young man with his parents goes to see the young woman in her house to see if the prospective couple are compatible. Both sets of parents talk to each other, and then when the setting is more relaxed, they go into another room, leaving the man and woman in the living room to speak among themselves. Some use this opportunity to actually ask each other pertinent questions, while some just want to see if they like each other, relying more on the information they got from the shadchen or from other people. The number of bashows prior to announcing an engagement varies, as some have many bashows while others have as few as one, which is typical among the children of Hassidic Rebbes.Bashert
Bashert, , is a Yiddish word that means "destiny". It is often used in the context of one's divinely foreordained spouse or soulmateSoulmate
A soulmate is believed by some to be the person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity, similarity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, or compatibility. A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul, which is thought to be the ultimate soulmate...
, who is called "basherte" (female) or "basherter" (male). It can also be used to express the seeming fate or destiny of an auspicious or important event, friendship, or happening.
In modern usage, Jewish singles will say that they are looking for their bashert, meaning they are looking for that person who will complement them perfectly, and whom they will complement perfectly. Since it considered to have been foreordained by God whom one will marry, one's spouse is considered to be one's bashert by definition, independent of whether the couple's marital life works out well or not.
Biblical matchmaking
The first recorded shidduch in the Torah was the match that EliezerEliezer
For the mathematician and Tamil activist see C.J. Eliezer; for the AI researcher and writer on rationality see Eliezer Yudkowsky; for the Levite priest of the Hebrew Bible, see Eleazar...
, the servant of the Jewish patriarch Abraham
Abraham
Abraham , whose birth name was Abram, is the eponym of the Abrahamic religions, among which are Judaism, Christianity and Islam...
, made for his master's son Isaac
Isaac
Isaac as described in the Hebrew Bible, was the only son Abraham had with his wife Sarah, and was the father of Jacob and Esau. Isaac was one of the three patriarchs of the Israelites...
(Genesis Ch. 24). Abraham gave him specific instructions to choose a woman from Abraham's own tribe. Eliezer traveled to his master's homeland to fulfill Abraham's wishes, arriving at a well. After a short prayer to God for guidance, describing how a virtuous woman might act toward a traveling stranger at the well, Rebekah appeared on the scene and did everything described in Eliezer's prayer. Eliezer then went with Rebekah to her family and appealed them for permission to take Rebekah back with him to be Isaac's wife. Once this permission was granted, Rebekah joined Eliezer on the road home to Isaac. Even so, Isaac gained his own impression of her before agreeing to marry her (Rashi, commentary to Genesis 24:67).
However, when Eliezer proposes to take Rebekah back to Isaac in Canaan
Canaan
Canaan is a historical region roughly corresponding to modern-day Israel, Palestine, Lebanon, and the western parts of Jordan...
, he is told by Rebekah's family: "Let us ask the maiden" (i.e. Rebekah). This is taken as an instruction for Jewish parents to weigh their child's opinion in the balance during an arranged marriage
Arranged marriage
An arranged marriage is a practice in which someone other than the couple getting married makes the selection of the persons to be wed, meanwhile curtailing or avoiding the process of courtship. Such marriages had deep roots in royal and aristocratic families around the world...
. Regardless of whether proper procedure is followed, this is not the end of the decision - it is believed by Jews that the final say belongs to God, who may have different plans (compare with the match of Jacob
Jacob
Jacob "heel" or "leg-puller"), also later known as Israel , as described in the Hebrew Bible, the Talmud, the New Testament and the Qur'an was the third patriarch of the Hebrew people with whom God made a covenant, and ancestor of the tribes of Israel, which were named after his descendants.In the...
& Leah
Leah
Leah , as described in the Hebrew Bible, is the first of the two concurrent wives of the Hebrew patriarch Jacob and mother of six of sons whose descendants became the Twelve Tribes of Israel, along with at least one daughter, Dinah. She is the daughter of Laban and the older sister of Rachel, whom...
).
Talmudic references
The TalmudTalmud
The Talmud is a central text of mainstream Judaism. It takes the form of a record of rabbinic discussions pertaining to Jewish law, ethics, philosophy, customs and history....
(Bavli Kiddushin 12a, first version) states that academy head Rav
Rav
Rav is the Hebrew word for rabbi. For a more nuanced discussion see semicha. The term is also frequently used by Orthodox Jews to refer to one's own rabbi....
would give corporal punishment
Corporal punishment
Corporal punishment is a form of physical punishment that involves the deliberate infliction of pain as retribution for an offence, or for the purpose of disciplining or reforming a wrongdoer, or to deter attitudes or behaviour deemed unacceptable...
to a man who would marry without shidduchin, that is, without prearrangement by the couple. The text gives three versions of Rav's practice; the other two versions disagree. Some authorities rule according to the first version, while others rule according to the other two versions.
In Kiddushin 41a states that a man should not marry a woman he has not seen, lest he come to violate Love your neighbour as yourself.
The etymology
Etymology
Etymology is the study of the history of words, their origins, and how their form and meaning have changed over time.For languages with a long written history, etymologists make use of texts in these languages and texts about the languages to gather knowledge about how words were used during...
of the words "shidduch" and "shadchan" is uncertain. The Medieval Rabbi
Rabbi
In Judaism, a rabbi is a teacher of Torah. This title derives from the Hebrew word רבי , meaning "My Master" , which is the way a student would address a master of Torah...
Nissim of Gerona
Nissim of Gerona
Nissim ben Reuven of Girona, Catalonia was an influential talmudist and authority on Jewish law. He was one of the last of the great Spanish medieval talmudic scholars. He is also known as the RaN .-Biography:The Ran was born in Barcelona, Catalonia...
(commonly called Ran) traces it back to the Aramaic word for "calm" (cf. Targum
Targum
Taekwondo is a Korean martial art and the national sport of South Korea. In Korean, tae means "to strike or break with foot"; kwon means "to strike or break with fist"; and do means "way", "method", or "path"...
to Judges
Book of Judges
The Book of Judges is the seventh book of the Hebrew bible and the Christian Old Testament. Its title describes its contents: it contains the history of Biblical judges, divinely inspired prophets whose direct knowledge of Yahweh allows them to act as decision-makers for the Israelites, as...
5:31), and elaborates that the main purpose of the shidduch process is for young people to "settle down" into marriage (Commentary of the Ran to Talmud, Shabbat 10a).
Medical aspects
Considering the prevalence of a number of genetic diseaseGenetic disorder
A genetic disorder is an illness caused by abnormalities in genes or chromosomes, especially a condition that is present from before birth. Most genetic disorders are quite rare and affect one person in every several thousands or millions....
s in both the Ashkenazi and Sephardi communities, several organisations (most notably Dor Yeshorim
Dor Yeshorim
Dor Yeshorim , also called Committee for Prevention of Genetic Diseases, is an organization that offers genetic screening to members of the worldwide Jewish community...
) routinely screen large groups of young people anonymously, only handing them a telephone number and a PIN. When a shidduch is suggested, the candidates can phone the organisation, enter both their PINs, and find out whether their union could result in critically disabled children. Although often receiving criticism, since its construction there has been a sharp decrease in the number of children born with Tay-Sachs disease
Tay-Sachs disease
Tay–Sachs disease is an autosomal recessive genetic disorder...
and other genetic disorders.
See also
- Jewish view of marriageJewish view of marriageIn Judaism, marriage is viewed as a contractual bond commanded by God in which a man and a woman come together to create a relationship in which God is directly involved. Though procreation is not the sole purpose, a Jewish marriage is also expected to fulfill the commandment to have children. The...
- MatchmakingMatchmakingMatchmaking is any process of matching two people for the purpose of marriage or a sporting contest.-Practice:In some cultures, the role of the matchmaker was and is quite professionalized...
- NegiahNegiahNegiah , literally "touch," is the concept in Halakha that forbids or restricts physical contact with a member of the opposite sex...
(guidelines for physical contact) - NiddahNiddahNiddah is a Hebrew term describing a woman during menstruation, or a woman who has menstruated and not yet completed the associated requirement of immersion in a mikveh ....
(menstruation laws) - Role of women in JudaismRole of women in JudaismThe role of women in Judaism is determined by the Hebrew Bible, the Oral Law , by custom, and by non-religious cultural factors...
- Shalom bayitShalom bayitShalom bayit is the Jewish religious concept of domestic harmony and good relations between husband and wife. In a Jewish court of law, shalom bayit is the Hebrew term for marital reconciliation...
(peace and harmony in the relationship between husband and wife) - Tzeniut (modest behavior)
- YichudYichudThe prohibition of yichud , in Halakha is the impermissibility of seclusion of a man and a woman who are not married to each other in a private area. Such seclusion is prohibited in order to prevent the two from being tempted or having the opportunity to commit adulterous or promiscuous acts.The...
(prohibitions of secluding oneself with a stranger)
External links
- Bashert: Soul Mates
- The Mystery of Marriage
- Finding One's Bashert
- Shidduch by Star-KStar-KStar-K Kosher Certification, also known as the Vaad Hakashrus of Baltimore, is a kashrus certifying agency based in Baltimore, Maryland under the administration of Rabbi Moshe Heinemann, with the involvement of many other rabbis . It is one of the largest kashrus certification agencies in North...
Books
- Shani Stein. "The Survival Guide to Shidduchim". New York, NY: Feldheim publishers, 1997. ISBN 1-56871-132-8.
- Leah Jacobs, Shaindy Mark. "Shidduch Secrets". Shaar Press, 2006. ISBN 1-42260-220-6.