30 Rock Quotations

30 Rock is a primetime sitcom about a sketch comedy show originally called The Girlie Show and its head writer Liz Lemon. Although much of the series is written by head writer Tina Fey, a lot of material is ad-libbed by the actors.

Pilot [1.1]

Jack: [to Liz] I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.

Tracy: Yeah yeah yeah, I like risky. See, me and you, we play the game. We know how to be acceptable. Hello great meeting, I drink coffee please. This show is our chance to break the shackles cause the white dudes want to see us fail.

Liz: What white dudes?

Tracy: All of 'em. Jack Donaghy. General Electric. George Bush. Karl Robe.

Liz: Karl Robe, you say?

Tracy: Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets. That's a metaphor.

Liz: Sure.

The Aftermath [1.2]

[Jenna and Liz are discussing actor Tracy Jordan.]

Liz: How you doin'?

Jenna: There is no way that I am working with that guy. Do you know that he once got arrested for walking naked through LaGuardia?

Liz: Yeah.

Jenna: And that he once fell asleep on Ted Danson's roof?

Liz: Yeah, Tracy has mental health issues.

Jenna: He bit Dakota Fanning on the face.

Liz: When you hear his version, she was kinda askin' for it.

Tracy: So, how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable.

Toofer: I'm doing good.

Tracy: Nah-uh. Superman does good; you're doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.

[Tracy leaves the room.]

Frank: [to Toofer] Wow, that was embarrassing for you.

Blind Date [1.3]

Liz: Kenneth, why did you bet that terrible hand?

Kenneth: Why? Because I believe life is for the living. I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew. And also, people were yelling and I got confused about the rules.

Liz: [about Kenneth] Well, it was nice of you to let him keep his job.

Jack: The Italians have a saying, Lemon. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." And although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct. In five years we'll all either be working for him... [Kenneth happily bikes away] or be dead by his hand.

Jack the Writer [1.4]

Tracy: But I want you to know something... You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. 'Cause I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving.

Kenneth: Oh, okay.

Tracy: So, here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's Shark Week.

Tracy: Dress every day like you're going to get murdered in those clothes.

Jack-Tor [1.5]

Pete: So, first you thought he was illiterate and now you think he's lazy? Liz, you are racist.

Liz: No, Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is supposed to be used only for good, like over-tipping and supporting Barack Obama.

[Jack in an internal GE training video being shown to the writers.]

Jack: All you have to do as the writing staff of an NBC show is incorporate positive mentions, or "POS-MENS" of GE products into your program. For example you could write an episode where one of your character purchases, and is satisfied with one of GE's direct current drilling motors for off-shore or land-based projects.

Jack Meets Dennis [1.6]

Jack: That's a sharp tie you've got there, Dennis.

Dennis: That douchebag up front made me wear it.

Jack: Does he know you're the Beeper King?

Dennis: I don't think so.

Liz: This is clearly the nicest restaurant we've ever been to.

Dennis: Hold on a second, this place ain't that nice, alright. It's got rats and roaches like every other restaurant.

Liz: No rat talk tonight, okay.

Dennis: [to Jack] You know there are 17 million rats per person in Manhattan. You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?

Jack: I think I read about that in The New Yorker. [pause] Um, anyway, we'll leave you two to your meal. I hope you enjoy the choices that you've made.

Tracy: I need to protect my reputation. You take away my street cred, and I am Wayne Brady.

Liz: Nuh-uh. Wayne Brady has three Emmys. You have a People's Choice Award that you stole from Wayne Brady.

Tracy Does Conan [1.7]

Jack: Conan, Tracy’s really excited to be back on your show.

Conan: I don’t know. He’s kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don’t try to stab me.

Jack: Well, Tracy’s feeling a lot better now. He’s under a doctor’s care.

Conan: That’s what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.

Jack: Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.

Conan: What’s the hard way?

Jack: You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.

Conan: Tell Tracy I’ll see him tonight, you Black Irish bastard.

Jack: Back at you, Red.

Liz: Why are you wearing a tux?

Jack: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

The Break-Up [1.8]

[Man walks up to Liz at the bar]

Gentleman:Excuse me, is this seat taken?

Liz: [sighs] Really, dude? I got to move my coat? There are like four empty seats over there - can't you just be cool?

[Man leaves]

Jenna: That guy wanted to buy you a drink!

Liz: Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

Dennis: [Reading from a letter] Dear Liz Lemon: While other women have bigger boobs than you, no other woman has as big a heart. When I saw you getting ready to go out and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, I knew for sure it was over between us, and for the first time since the ‘86 World Series, I cried… I cried like a big, dumb homo. And if it was up to me, we’d be together forever. But there’s a new thing called "women’s liberation," which gives you women the right to choose and you have chosen to abort me, and that I must live with. So tonight, when you arrive home, I’ll be gone. I officially renounce my squatter’s rights. Goodbye and good luck. I'll never forget you.

The Baby Show [1.9]

Liz: What's going on, business got ya down?

Jack: Business doesn't get me down, business gets me off.

Tracy: This is untoward! This is not toward!

The Rural Juror [1.10]

Jenna: Hey, I've gotta miss an hour of rehearsal today 'cause I just found out from my publicist that I've been booked on The View.

Pete: Oh, Jenna, that's great. For the first time in your life, you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one.

Jenna: Yeah, I know!

Tracy: So GE will produce the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine?

Jack: Oh no, no. GE could never make something so... unique. We'll have to pass this off to one of our subsidiaries. [Jack rolls down a complex organizational chart] You see, GE owns KitchenAll of Colorado, which in turn owns JMI of Stamford which is a majority shareholder of Pokerfastlane.com which recently acquired the Sheinhardt Wig Company which owns NBC outright. NBC owns Winnipeg Iron Works which owns the AHP Chanagi Party Meats company of Pyongyang, North Korea, and they will make the Meat Machine.

The Head and the Hair [1.11]

Jack: I wanted to talk to you about our corporate "Bottoms-Up Day." Once a year all the senior V.P.s spend one day doing the job of one of our lowest level employees. This year I'll be a page for a day and you'll be my boss.

Kenneth: Thank you, sir!

Jack: That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.

[Jack, who has traded jobs with Kenneth, has bought Josh the wrong salad]

Josh: Oh, no! Dude, is this spinach?

Jack: Yes. You asked for [pulls out a sheet of paper] one spinach salad.

Josh: Actually, I wanted the stuff that comes on the spinach salad, but I wanted it with romaine.

Jack: Should I take it back?

Josh: I'm supposed to treat you like Kenneth, right?

Jack: That is correct.

Josh: [angrily] Well, then, yeah, genius, get me a new salad. Or, get me a time machine so I can go back and smack your mom for smoking crack while she was pregnant! [to Kenneth, who is standing in the doorway] Too much?

Kenneth: No, that's usually how it goes.

Black Tie [1.12]

Liz: You've already made up your mind about this, haven't you?

Jenna: Oh, you're right, Liz! I should go for it!

Liz: You're not even listening, are you? Poop. Monkey butt.

Jenna: No, you're a good friend and thank you.

Jack: Lemon, I want to thank you. For showing me that I could have a pleasant evening with a woman my age.

Liz: I'm twelve years younger than you.

Jack: A woman your age then.

Up All Night [1.13]

Jack: I want back all the jewelry I ever bought you.

Bianca: Fine.

Jack: I want the art supplies I gave you on your fortieth birthday and any subsequent art projects you made with them.

Bianca: Fine.

Jack: I want all of our love letters.

Bianca: [laughing] Fine.

Jack: I want all of your parents' love letters.

Bianca: Fine.

Jack: I want full stake in the Arby's franchise we bought outside of Telluride.

Bianca: Oh, dammit Johnny, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar.

Josh: Cerie said she would do it with you.

Kenneth: Well that just makes me perspire.

The C Word [1.14]

Jack: I've asked Tracy to join me at G.E. Golf tournament in Connecticut.

Liz: Was Courtney Love not available?

Tracy: Damn straight. I'm delightful.

Hard Ball [1.15]

Dot Com: Yo, Kenneth, we need to talk now.

Kenneth: Oh, I've had this conversation before. You're marrying my mom, aren't you?

Jenna: Second of all, if the president is so serious about the war on terror, why doesn't he hunt down and capture Barack Obama before he strikes again? It's time for a change, America. That's why I'm voting for Osama in 2008.

The Source Awards [1.16]

Tracy: If you get rich off this stuff, just take care of my family. I don't want my kids to have to go to college.

Liz: I truly don't like you as a person. [inspirational music starts playing] Can't one human being not like another human being? Can't we all just not get along?

Steven: Liz, I wish it could be like that... and maybe someday our children or our children's children will hate each other like that, but it just doesn't work that way today.

Liz: So what you're saying is that any woman that doesn't like you is a racist.

Steven: No, no, no, no, no. [music stops] Some women are gay.

The Fighting Irish [1.17]

Tracy: So what's your religion, Liz Lemon?

Liz: I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.

Tracy: I believe that the moon does not exist. I believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers but their curse is they never get a chance to prove it. I believe that there are 31 letters in the white alphabet. Wait...what was the question?

Fireworks [1.18]

Kenneth: So Mr. Donaghy, what can I do for you?

Jack: I heard you were talking to my colleague Devon Banks. Did he tell you why he was in New York?

Kenneth: No sir, we just talked about Anderson Cooper mostly.

Jack: You should get to know Devon, tell him all of your television ideas. You know he started off as page just like you.

Kenneth: Really? So did I!

Jack: You say the right things, ask him the right questions, I'm sure he could open some doors for you.

Kenneth: Ok. What kinds of questions?

Jack: I'll write them down for you. You call him and tell him you have two tickets for A Chorus Line for tonight. Now Kenneth, have you ever used bronzer?

Jack: Devon, what can I do for you?

Devon: I think we're way past that Jack. Let's be honest with each other. I'll go first. I'm gay and I want your job.

Jack: Devon, I'm straighter than you are gay, and I leave particles of guys like you in my wind. I'm not afraid of you.

Devon: Yeah? Well you should be.

Jack: Let's just see how it all shakes out in the meeting.

Devon: Yeah, let's... Oh, by the way, little slim-waisted birdie in a page jacket told me you got nothing! You're going down.

Jack: No, Devon. I don't do that.

Corporate Crush [1.19]

[Liz enters a room and stands behind Jack]

Jack: You've been avoiding me, Lemon.

Liz: How do you do that without turning around?

Jack: To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you, but... here we are.

Jack: I'm not a creative type like you, with your work sneakers and left-handedness.

Cleveland [1.20]

Phoebe: You know how John Lennon was better than all the rest of the Beatles but he never realized it until he met Yoko? Well I'm gonna be Jack's Yoko!

Liz: You want to be Yoko?!

Floyd: If the whole world moved to their favorite vacation spots, then the whole world would live in Hawaii and Italy and Cleveland.

Hiatus [1.21]

Colleen: [referring to Phoebe] All right, scout's honor, what do you think of her?

[Jack gives Liz a look]

Liz: She's very well-read... and she's very stylish, don't you think? And you know the most important thing is she makes Jack very happy. She's like a... white geisha.

Colleen: Tell him his mother's here! ...And she loves him! ...But not in a queer way!

Seinfeld Vision [2.1]

Jack: All of my summer replacement shows were big hits - America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than A Dog, MILF Island.

Liz: MILF Island?

Jack: 25 super hot moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules.

Liz: Oh yeah, didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?

Jack: That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF.

Liz: Hello, I'm sorry, may I speak to Floyd, please?...Oh, he's in the shower...I am conducting a survey for the Ranford Group, and, uh, how old are you?...And your weight?...And when was the last time you had intercourse?...Who is this? Who is you? I is your worst nightmare, is who I is.

Jack Gets in the Game [2.2]

Tracy: Oh check this out! My key to the city of Gary, Indiana. Mmmm, look at this! My gold record from my novelty party song!

["Werewolf Bar Mitzvah" Music video]

Tracy: [Singing, dressed up as a werewolf] Werewolf bar mitzvah, spooky scary. Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.

Kenneth: I like your top. I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.

Angie: Uh-huh. Well, I don't have a husband any more, so... you can come over anytime.

Kenneth: Oh, I will! I'll come over at night.

The Collection [2.3]

Tracy: I'm whipped! Angie got me up at 7:30 today. Did you know that in the morning, they have food, TV, almost everything. It's pretty good.

Jack: Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman.

Liz: A businesswoman.

Jack: I don't think that's a word.

Rosemary's Baby [2.4]

Jack: So what are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401(k)?

Liz: Yeah, I gotta get one of those.

Jack: What?! Where do you invest your money, Lemon?

Liz: I've got like twelve grand in checking.

Jack: Are you an immigrant?

Liz: We can start our own network called BitchTV! Or the second idea we think of.

Greenzo [2.5]

Jack: Look how Greenzo's testing! They love him in every demographic - colored people, broads, fairies, commies. Gosh, we gotta update these forms.

[Cerie is holding the refrigerator open]

Greenzo: Here's a tip, Cerie. Decide what you want before you open the refrigerator. You just released enough hydrofluorocarbons to kill a penguin. [pulls out a picture] This penguin!

[Cerie closes the door and leaves the scene]

Frank: You ever take off that costume?

Greenzo: You ever take off yours? [Frank is silent] Greenzo, out. [leaves]

Cerie: [visibly shaken] Did he just talk to me like I'm ugly?

Somebody To Love [2.6]

Jack: What are you doing in Harlem?

C.C.: Oh I'm working out of the Clinton offices for a few weeks. I'm helping Hillary retool her Universal Health care platform.

Jack: God, I want to kiss you on the mouth to stop you from saying such ridiculous things.

C.C.: I've been going crazy the last few days thinking about our night together. How you wanted to brush my hair as foreplay. How you made me that Western omelet at 4 AM. I've never met anyone like you, Jack.

Jack: Be with me, C.C. We'll ignore our differences 'til the sex goes bad then... we'll walk away bitter and angry.

C.C.: Nobody can know we're together. Not even your friend Tracy Jordan out there.

Jack: I don't think you have to worry about Tracy.

Tracy: Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon; have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?

Cougars [2.7]

Liz: I'm 37, please don't make me go to Brooklyn.

Jaime: I'm 20.

Liz: Oh boy. This just went from a senior dating a freshman to Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau.

Jaime: Are those friends of yours?

Jack: Lemon, what happened? Did you take an Ambien with your Franzia and sleep walk here?

Secrets and Lies [2.8]

Tracy: I do not want to disappoint our Japanese public, especially Godzilla. Hahaha! I'm just kidding, I know he doesn't care what humans do.

Jack: [about C.C.] She is my lover. That's right. She's my liberal, hippy-dippy mama; my groovy chick; my old lady. She was our chief adversary during the Sheinhardt Wig hearings. She wants to tax us all to death and make it legal for a man to marry his own dog. But I think what we have is special, and I'm proud of her. And I'm not going to hide it any longer. I'm Jack Donaghy, damn it! And this is my woman.

[Others begin confessing their secrets.]

Man #1: I gave to NPR last year.

Woman: My children go to public school.

Man #2: I'm gay.

Man #3: I'm black.

C.C.: Jack, thank you so much. And I just wanted you to know that in 1984 I voted for Ronald Reagan.

Man #1: I murdered my wife.

Ludachristmas [2.9]

Tracy: [regarding his ankle bracelet alcohol monitoring device] Maybe I’ll just compromise - go to the party, cut off my foot and drink all I want!

Jack: Mother, there are terrorist cells that are more nurturing than you are.

Episode 210 [2.10]

Kenneth: [about coffee] I love how it makes me feel. It's like my heart is trying to hug my brain!

Jack: The Founding Fathers never intended for the poor to live into their 40s.

MILF Island [2.11]

Jack: The stutter got so bad I was taken out of my grade and put in the special class, held in the boiler room. My only other classmate was named Gilly. He'd fallen though the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes. They taught us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill. Of course I overcame the stutter in three languages. On to Princeton, Harvard, the top of the business world. I thought I blocked this out, but a thing like this brings back emotions.

Liz: I'm so sorry.

Jack: I feel like I'm back in that boiler room; making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with himself in the corner...

Jack: And Deborah is testing off the charts in the most profitable demographics: Soccer moms, NASCAR dads, white collar pervs and the obese.

Subway Hero [2.12]

Kenneth: Oh no Sir, I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name.

Jack: That's Republican. We count those.

Tracy: Black people--don't vote! Did you know that in the amount of time it takes to vote you could play three games of pool? Three! Now that's fresh.

Succession [2.13]

Liz: Hey, nerds! Who's got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? [pointing both thumbs at herself] This moi.

Jack: I just need him awake for a few minutes, can't you... inject something directly into his heart?

Dr. Spaceman: Oh, I'd like nothing better. Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing where the heart is.

Sandwich Day [2.14]

Jack: I even stopped to catch a snowflake with my tongue, but apparently that's some signal in Chelsea.

Liz: I wolfed my Teamster sub for you!

Floyd: Wait, no, is that a thing?

Cooter [2.15]

Jack: [as water pours from the ceiling] The ceiling appears to be leaking.

Cooter: No, it's not. We looked into it and it's not.

Random Congressman at meeting: I can't support that. Dam is a swear word. I'd support it if instead of dam we called it a 'god finger'.

Do-Over [3.1]

Liz: I got rid of all my Colin Firth movies in case they consider them erotica.

Jack: That man can wear a sweater.

Bev: What was your reason for wanting to adopt?

Liz: Thank you, for that question, Bev. The world is a troubled place, and so many children in need of adoption worldwide...

Bev: Infertility? or Other.

Liz: Other.

Believe in the Stars [3.2]

Kenneth: [Excited about cable TV] There's a whole channel on the cable that just tells you what's on the other channels!

Jack: I know, Kenneth. It's okay.

Kenneth: I'm glad I'm not a white man, Mr. Donaghy. ...Is SpongeBob SquarePants supposed to be terrifying?

Jack: You're darn right he is, Kenneth.

Jack: Lemon, do you think Kenneth admires you?

Liz: Sure, that kid looks up to everybody. He calls Tracy's lizard "Sir."

The One with the Cast of Night Court [3.3]

Liz: No, listen to me. She's not fun, she's just crazy. Like, grab-a-cop's-gun crazy.

Jack: Lemon, having known Claire for a very enjoyable 20 minutes and you for what feels like infinity, I'm going to go with Claire on this one.

Liz: You’re breaking union rules. Our insurance doesn’t cover any of this. And you’re potentially infringing on Warner Brothers intellectual property. Shut this down!

Tracy: I want a different answer. Where’s Jack Donaghy?

Liz: No there’s no more Jack. He’s dead to us. Break this down! Everybody out!

Gavin Volure [3.4]

Kenneth: I've had to send more money home lately. There are problems on the farm. After years of inbreeding the pigs are getting violent and the pig shield around the house has worn thin.

Jack: Kenneth, how much money do you have in your savings?

Kenneth: Well, let's see. [looks in his coffee can] Eighty thousand dollars!

Jack: If you don't include Confederate money?

Kenneth: Four thousand dollars!

Liz: [after seeing "Tracy" sitting in the middle of the hallway] Tracy, get out of the hallway.

Tracy: [jumps out from around the corner] OR AM I?

Liz: Oh God, this dream again.

Tracy: That's not me. That's a Tracy Jordan Japanese Sex Doll. You can tell us apart because it's not suffering from a vitamin deficiency.

Reunion [3.5]

Tracy: How come there ain't no Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? I mean they have every race and life form from all over the galaxy but no Puerto Ricans. What's up with that?

Liz: You're 12 years older than everyone here.

Jack: Rich 50 is middle class 38.

Christmas Special [3.6]

Liz: We need to get these guys! Don't you know the Postmaster General?

Jack: I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. If I wanted to lick a hippie, I'd return Joan Baez's phone calls.

Liz: [on the phone to Jack] Where are you? I hear sunshine.

Senor Macho Solo [3.7]

Tracy: They do that a lot in movies - An Affair to Remember, Sleepless in Seattle, and that remake of An Affair to Remember that I was in, A Blaffair to Rememblack.

Jack: Are these people your family? Why are they all smiling? Who's being ostracized?

Flu Shot [3.8]

Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, Ms. Maroney. You wanted to see me?

Jenna: Kenneth, Tracy and I want to do something for the crew, you know, to thank them for being sick.

Tracy: We didn't know what to get them, but then I had a brain storm. It was a bad one, Jenna had to put my tongue guard in.

Jenna: But after he stabilized we decided we'd get them all hot soup.

Tracy: So... go do that.

Kenneth: Oh, all the other pages have gone home sick, I can't make any runs right now. Maybe the two of you could go get the soup.

[long pause]

Jenna: I don't understand.

Kenneth: Well, I'm saying you could get your wallet...

Tracy: My what?!

Kenneth: ...and go downstairs to the basement...

Tracy: No!

Kenneth: ...and you go to the soup place, and bring the soup back up here...

Tracy: With what? My arms?

Kenneth: ...make sure to take your IDs with you.

Tracy: That'll be the worst part!

Jenna: [having an idea] I've got it!

Tracy: Give it to me! It's mine!

Retreat To Move Forward [3.9]

Improv Announcer: And the audience suggestion is "Sling Blade and Oprah on a date."

Liz: Mmm, I sure do like dem french fried potaters.

Jenna: No you don't, Oprah.

Tracy: That's a white myth, like Larry Bird and Colorado.

Generalissimo [3.10]

Liz: That's what I could do to Drew.

Jenna: Drug him? Liz, no. Having been on both sides of that, I could tell you it's not a good idea.

Liz: No, I'm going to tell Drew that I'm having a little welcome to the building party for him but there is no party and then when he shows up I'll laugh and say 'oh it's the wrong night' and then he'll laugh and say one glass couldn't hurt and then I will put my mouth on his mouth.

Jack: Look, you should know that I'm doing this for a woman. [shows Hector a picture of Elisa] This woman.

Hector Moreda: Wow. I am super-gay and I would totally switch for her.

Jack: She's amazing, but her grandmother hates me because she hates the Generalissimo, so he's gotta go.

Hector Moreda: [chuckles] El Generalissimo doesn't have to die to clear the way to the abuela. Not if the abuela comes to love him.

Jack: But that's impossible.

Hector Moreda: Seduction is never impossible for El Generalissimo. I will become everything that old Hispanic women desire. I will make her love me.

Jack: You really think you can pull that off?

Hector Moreda: It will be the performance of a lifetime, like Julie Harris in the The Belle of Amherst.

Jack: Wow. You are... surprisingly gay.

St. Valentine's Day [3.11]

Priest: Don't you have faith?

Jack: I have faith... in things I can see and buy and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion. Now, you want to have an intellectual argument? Fine, but I should warn you, I went to Princeton.

Priest: I went to Harvard Divinity School.

Jack: [scoffs] You crimson guys never miss a chance, do you? You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the Lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident. [jump cut] ...I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field. I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed "I am God" during a deposition. [jump cut] and... I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics. [sighs] It feels good to say that out loud actually. That one was weighing on me.

Priest: Wow! I, uh, I don't know what to say.

Jack: I don't want you to say anything. I thought I'd made that perfectly clear.

Priest: Then...what brought you here tonight?

Jack: What brought me here tonight? Why do men do anything? Why do people build bridges, why are there jets? I was hoping to have sex with a woman tonight. [glances at the priest] Have you ever been with a woman, Father?

Priest: [weakly] Come on, man...

Jack: [sees Liz and Drew walking by] Boy, I hope that guy's not planning to kill her and eat her.

Elisa: Jack, you're such a romantic.

Larry King [3.12]

Tracy: What everyone needs to do is calm down, take a deep breath, and prepare their bodies for the Thunderdome. That is the new law.

Liz: You ready for Larry King Live tonight?

Tracy: You know it. I cursed for 3 hours straight just to get it out of my system, you dumb bitch.

Goodbye, My Friend [3.13]

Jack: Now let me hear you say the seven most important words in the American judicial system.

Frank: My client has no memory of that.

Jack: I also would have accepted "You can't prove that's the governor's semen."

The Funcooker [3.14]

Jack: I've spent the better part of the last 3 years developing a portable, miniature microwave oven. Most of that time has been spent coming up with a hip, edgy name for the product, something that will appeal to the marketing Holy Trinity - college students, the morbidly obese, and homosexuals.

Jack: Alright everyone, it's back to the drawing board. Legal rejected all of our ideas - every one of the names we came up with was offensive in some language, including English, Frank.

Frank: They knew what a Hot Richard was?

The Bubble [3.15]

Jack: The bubble isn't always a bad thing. Look at me. I turned out okay.

Liz: Jack, I want you to pay close attention to the following over-the-top eye roll. [rolls eyes] Oh, brother.

Jack: Lemon, I don't share this often, but this is a photo of me when I was 25 years old.

Liz: What the what?! You have a Superman chest!

Jack: I know.

Liz: Oh my God, the lady will have two tickets to the gun show! Your eyes are so much bluer... what happened to your eyes?

Jack: My point is, Lemon, the bubble doesn't last forever, so get in there with Drew and enjoy those perks while you can.

Liz: Can I keep that?

Jack: No. It's my only copy.

Jack: You wake a sleepwalker, you risk getting urinated on.

Liz: Or thanked! ...on.

Apollo, Apollo [3.16]

Dennis: [Liz answers her door] Hello, dummy.

Liz: No! Nope, not interested. Have a good life.

Dennis: This is important, it's about my mom. [Liz reluctantly lets him in] That was a lie, but listen, Elizabeth. I recently discovered that I'm a sex addict.

Liz: No, you're not.

Dennis: Yeah I am, and I'd be an even worse sex addict if I wasn't consumed by my latest business venture.

Liz: I don't want to hear about your job, Dennis.

Dennis: One word: coffee. One problem: where do you get it?

Liz: Anywhere! You get it anywhere!

Dennis: Wrong! You get it at my coffee vending machine. 38th & 6th in the basement of the K-Mart. You just go downstairs, you get the key from David and BOOM! You plug in the machine and...

Liz: You're done.

Tracy: What is this, Horseville? Because I'm surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay!

Liz: That is solid.

Cutbacks [3.17]

Jenna: [rapping] My name is Suri Cruise.
Put your hands in the air!
I came out of the womb
With a full head of hair!

Jackie Jormp-Jomp [3.18]

Tracy: Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like that HBO show, John Adams.

Kenneth: Oh, sir, before Ms. Lemon left I promised her I wouldn't let you start any adventures.

Tracy: Yeah? Well Liz Lemon's in jail now, and someone has to step up and take charge around here.

The Ones [3.19]

Tracy: You're wise Liz Lemon, like a genetically manipulated shark.

Liz: [Singing while eating cheese] Working on my night cheese. [knock at the door] Uhh, Jack! Do you know what time it is, I was sound asleep.

Jack: I heard you singing night cheese. Lemon I've had a crazy night. We all could learn a lot from Tracy Jordan. We went out clubbing, his life is like Enron 1999. It's wild.

Elisa: [Sneaks in] I'm sure it was!

Liz: How are you so quiet when your parades are so loud!

Elisa: Lemon, isn't there a slanket you should be filling with your farts? Shoo!

The Natural Order [3.20]

Frank: We figured Lutz is never going to get married, but he wants a bachelor party, so we're taking him to a strip club. You wanna come?

Tracy: Come on, Liz Lemon, you don't want to be treated any differently, do you?

Liz: Sure, I'll go.

Tracy: All right!

Liz: But you won't.

Tracy: [gasp] Twist!

Kenneth: [on his pig] She went crazy! She bit off my nutsack...that I kept tied around my belt to feed the squirrels.

Mamma Mia [3.21]

Liz: If I have learned anything from my Sims family: When a child doesn't see his father enough he starts to jump up and down, then his mood level will drop until he pees himself.

Kidney Now! [3.22]

Kenneth: Science was my most favorite subject, especially the Old Testament.

Liz: Where are you gonna get a kidney from?

Jack: I don't know, but I have the entire liberal media establishment at my disposal. The same manipulation machine that got people to vote for Barack Obama, and donate all that money after Rainstorm Katrina. I'm going to use that to find my Dad a kidney.

Season 4 [4.01]

Kenneth: [with other strikers] What do we want? To get you sandwiches! When do we want it? Whenever is convenient for you!

Into The Crevasse [4.02]

Liz: I did Big Sister in college. That little girl taught me how to use tampons.

Tracy: A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory.

Stone Mountain [4.03]

Tracy: Orange and black decorations? Is this Halloween, or prison parents' weekend? I don't know whether to be scared or proud of my cousin...

Kenneth: It's Halloween, sir.

Tracy: Proud it is.

Frank: Tracy, did you hear? Fred Dawkins, the incredibly overweight guy Pac-man was based off of died.

Tracy: I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.

Audition Day [4.04]

Random Gay Tracy Picks Up on the Street: I'm not gay, I'm BI-Larioius