Nice guy
Encyclopedia
Nice guy is a term in the general public discourse and in popular culture
describing an adult or teenage male with friendly yet unassertive personality traits in the context of a relationship with a woman. A typical nice guy is perceived to put the needs of others before his own, avoids confrontations, does favors, gives emotional support, and generally acts nicely towards women. There is an active debate about whether the nice guy personality profile may actually make a man less desirable to women romantically or sexually. Part of this debate includes speculation about possible hypocrisy among women in the dating world: that women may say they want a nice guy but won't date him or have sex
with him, and rather subconsciously prefer men who are more confident and assertive but less considerate. Another part of the debate concerns how these "nice" guys can hold such misogynistic views of women while insisting that they treat women with nothing but respect.
is that "nice guys finish last." The phrase is attributed to baseball
manager Leo Durocher
in 1939, though Durocher was originally referring to the opposing team rather than to male/female relationship dynamics. The full quote is, "Take a look at them. They're all nice guys, but they'll finish last. Nice guys. Finish last."
The "nice guys finish last" phrase is also said to be coined by American biologist Garrett Hardin
to sum up the selfish gene concept of life and evolution. This was disputed by Richard Dawkins
, who wrote the book The Selfish Gene
. Dawkins was misinterpreted by many as confirming the "nice guy finishing last" view, but refuted the claims in the BBC
documentary Nice Guys Finish First
.
The "nice guys finish last" view is that there is a discrepancy between women's stated preferences and their actual choices in men. In other words, women say that they want nice guys, but really go for men who are "jerks" or "bad boys
" in the end. Stephan Desrochers claims, in a 1995 article in the journal Sex Roles, that many "sensitive" men, based on personal experience, do not believe women actually want "nice guys".
According to McDaniel, popular culture and dating advice "suggest that women claim they want a 'nice guy' because they believe that is what is expected of them when, in reality, they want the so-called 'challenge' that comes with dating a not-so-nice guy."
Urbaniak & Kilmann write that:
Another perspective is that women do want "nice guys," at least when they are looking for a romantic relationship. Desrochers (1995) suggests that "it still seems popular to believe that women in contemporary America prefer men who are 'sensitive,' or have feminine personality traits." Women have differing opinions about whether "nice guys finish last" sexually or not.
Herold and Milhausen
found that 56% of 165 university women claimed to agree with the statement: "You may have heard the expression, 'Nice guys finish last.' In terms of dating, and sex, do you think women are less likely to have sex with men who are 'nice' than men who are 'not nice'?" A third view is that while "nice guys" may not be as successful at attracting women sexually, they may be sought after by women looking for long-term romantic relationships (however, "nice guys need not lose all hope, with studies showing that while women like 'bad boys' for flings, they tend to settle down with more caring types" – the "bad boys" having "the self-obsession of narcissism, the impulsive, thrill-seeking and callous behaviour of the psychopath and the deceitful and exploitative nature of Machiavellianism"). It is a possibility that the women leave to escape their circumstances of abuse, disease or pregnancy to seek a chance with the nice guy (they rejected previously), afterwards.
Herold and Milhausen claim that "while 'nice guys' may not be competitive in terms of numbers of sexual partners, they tend to be more successful with respect to longer-term, committed relationships."
Another study indicates that "for brief affairs, women tend to prefer a dominating, powerful and promiscuous man." Further evidence appears in a 2005 study in Prague: "Since women can always get a man for a one-night stand, they gain an advantage if they find partners for child-rearing."
research exists on studying perceptions of the "nice guy" phenomenon (some of which is cited above), women's self-reports or behavior, and comparisons of men's personality traits with their sexual or romantic success. Studies that explicitly use the term "nice guy" also cite empirical research that doesn't use that term, but which addresses qualities that are often associated with "niceness." Results of research are mixed and inconsistent. Herold & Milhausen conclude that "the answer to the question 'Do nice guys finish last?' is complicated in that it is influenced both by the measurement instruments used and by subject characteristics."
There is also a negative phenomenon associated with the "nice girl" in the same respect. She may be considered to be a prude, boring and overly submissive.
The "jerks" were also divided into two categories, "as either confident, attractive, sexy, and exciting or as manipulative, unfaithful, disrespectful of women, and interested only in sex." Researchers have operationalized the "nice guy" and "jerk" constructs in different ways, some of which are outlined below.
These studies also cite other research on heterosexual attraction that doesn't mention the "nice guy" term. They interpret various studies on female attraction to various traits in men (e.g. dominance, agreeableness
, physical attractiveness, wealth
, etc.), and on the sexual success of men with different personality traits, to shed light on the "nice guy" phenomenon.
(HBI), which "employs irony as a strategy to offer humorous explorations of contemporary gender relations" published several short essays (which they labelled "rants") on the concept of the "nice guy." Central to the theme of these essays is that a genuinely nice male is desirable, but that many people purporting to be, or believing themselves to be a "nice guy" are actually clingy, self-abasing, and insecure to such an extent that their attempts to be nice and desire to be loved, make them neither nice nor loveable. They also imply that most men who would refer to themselves as "nice guys" often have ulterior motives, such as only looking for sex as opposed to relationships.
Popular culture
Popular culture is the totality of ideas, perspectives, attitudes, memes, images and other phenomena that are deemed preferred per an informal consensus within the mainstream of a given culture, especially Western culture of the early to mid 20th century and the emerging global mainstream of the...
describing an adult or teenage male with friendly yet unassertive personality traits in the context of a relationship with a woman. A typical nice guy is perceived to put the needs of others before his own, avoids confrontations, does favors, gives emotional support, and generally acts nicely towards women. There is an active debate about whether the nice guy personality profile may actually make a man less desirable to women romantically or sexually. Part of this debate includes speculation about possible hypocrisy among women in the dating world: that women may say they want a nice guy but won't date him or have sex
Sexual intercourse
Sexual intercourse, also known as copulation or coitus, commonly refers to the act in which a male's penis enters a female's vagina for the purposes of sexual pleasure or reproduction. The entities may be of opposite sexes, or they may be hermaphroditic, as is the case with snails...
with him, and rather subconsciously prefer men who are more confident and assertive but less considerate. Another part of the debate concerns how these "nice" guys can hold such misogynistic views of women while insisting that they treat women with nothing but respect.
The "nice guys finish last" view
A common aphorismAphorism
An aphorism is an original thought, spoken or written in a laconic and memorable form.The term was first used in the Aphorisms of Hippocrates...
is that "nice guys finish last." The phrase is attributed to baseball
Baseball
Baseball is a bat-and-ball sport played between two teams of nine players each. The aim is to score runs by hitting a thrown ball with a bat and touching a series of four bases arranged at the corners of a ninety-foot diamond...
manager Leo Durocher
Leo Durocher
Leo Ernest Durocher , nicknamed Leo the Lip, was an American infielder and manager in Major League Baseball. Upon his retirement, he ranked fifth all-time among managers with 2,009 career victories, second only to John McGraw in National League history. Durocher still ranks tenth in career wins by...
in 1939, though Durocher was originally referring to the opposing team rather than to male/female relationship dynamics. The full quote is, "Take a look at them. They're all nice guys, but they'll finish last. Nice guys. Finish last."
The "nice guys finish last" phrase is also said to be coined by American biologist Garrett Hardin
Garrett Hardin
Garrett James Hardin was an American ecologist who warned of the dangers of overpopulation and whose concept of the tragedy of the commons brought attention to "the damage that innocent actions by individuals can inflict on the environment"...
to sum up the selfish gene concept of life and evolution. This was disputed by Richard Dawkins
Richard Dawkins
Clinton Richard Dawkins, FRS, FRSL , known as Richard Dawkins, is a British ethologist, evolutionary biologist and author...
, who wrote the book The Selfish Gene
The Selfish Gene
The Selfish Gene is a book on evolution by Richard Dawkins, published in 1976. It builds upon the principal theory of George C. Williams's first book Adaptation and Natural Selection. Dawkins coined the term "selfish gene" as a way of expressing the gene-centred view of evolution as opposed to the...
. Dawkins was misinterpreted by many as confirming the "nice guy finishing last" view, but refuted the claims in the BBC
BBC
The British Broadcasting Corporation is a British public service broadcaster. Its headquarters is at Broadcasting House in the City of Westminster, London. It is the largest broadcaster in the world, with about 23,000 staff...
documentary Nice Guys Finish First
Nice Guys Finish First
Nice Guys Finish First is a 1986 documentary by Richard Dawkins which discusses selfishness and cooperation, arguing that evolution often favors co-operative behaviour, and focusing especially on the tit for tat strategy of the prisoner's dilemma game...
.
The "nice guys finish last" view is that there is a discrepancy between women's stated preferences and their actual choices in men. In other words, women say that they want nice guys, but really go for men who are "jerks" or "bad boys
Bad boy (archetype)
The bad boy, cad or bounder is a cultural archetype of a male who behaves badly, especially towards women.Being a promiscuous rogue may be as successful a reproductive strategy as the strategy of being a reliable provider. Evolutionary psychologist Professor Bill von Hippel claims that women are...
" in the end. Stephan Desrochers claims, in a 1995 article in the journal Sex Roles, that many "sensitive" men, based on personal experience, do not believe women actually want "nice guys".
According to McDaniel, popular culture and dating advice "suggest that women claim they want a 'nice guy' because they believe that is what is expected of them when, in reality, they want the so-called 'challenge' that comes with dating a not-so-nice guy."
Urbaniak & Kilmann write that:
Another perspective is that women do want "nice guys," at least when they are looking for a romantic relationship. Desrochers (1995) suggests that "it still seems popular to believe that women in contemporary America prefer men who are 'sensitive,' or have feminine personality traits." Women have differing opinions about whether "nice guys finish last" sexually or not.
Herold and Milhausen
Robin Milhausen
Robin Milhausen is a Canadian sexologist, professor and talk show host. She edits the newsletter Sexual Science, published by the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality.-Early life:...
found that 56% of 165 university women claimed to agree with the statement: "You may have heard the expression, 'Nice guys finish last.' In terms of dating, and sex, do you think women are less likely to have sex with men who are 'nice' than men who are 'not nice'?" A third view is that while "nice guys" may not be as successful at attracting women sexually, they may be sought after by women looking for long-term romantic relationships (however, "nice guys need not lose all hope, with studies showing that while women like 'bad boys' for flings, they tend to settle down with more caring types" – the "bad boys" having "the self-obsession of narcissism, the impulsive, thrill-seeking and callous behaviour of the psychopath and the deceitful and exploitative nature of Machiavellianism"). It is a possibility that the women leave to escape their circumstances of abuse, disease or pregnancy to seek a chance with the nice guy (they rejected previously), afterwards.
Herold and Milhausen claim that "while 'nice guys' may not be competitive in terms of numbers of sexual partners, they tend to be more successful with respect to longer-term, committed relationships."
Another study indicates that "for brief affairs, women tend to prefer a dominating, powerful and promiscuous man." Further evidence appears in a 2005 study in Prague: "Since women can always get a man for a one-night stand, they gain an advantage if they find partners for child-rearing."
Research
Researchers are also interested in the "nice guy" phenomenon. EmpiricalEmpiricism
Empiricism is a theory of knowledge that asserts that knowledge comes only or primarily via sensory experience. One of several views of epistemology, the study of human knowledge, along with rationalism, idealism and historicism, empiricism emphasizes the role of experience and evidence,...
research exists on studying perceptions of the "nice guy" phenomenon (some of which is cited above), women's self-reports or behavior, and comparisons of men's personality traits with their sexual or romantic success. Studies that explicitly use the term "nice guy" also cite empirical research that doesn't use that term, but which addresses qualities that are often associated with "niceness." Results of research are mixed and inconsistent. Herold & Milhausen conclude that "the answer to the question 'Do nice guys finish last?' is complicated in that it is influenced both by the measurement instruments used and by subject characteristics."
The "nice guy" construct
One difficulty in studying the "nice guy" phenomenon is due to the ambiguity of the "nice guy" construct. Participants in studies interpret "nice guy" to mean different things. In their qualitative analysis, Herold and Milhausen found that women associate different qualities with the "nice guy" label: "Some women offered flattering interpretations of the 'nice guy', characterizing him as committed, caring, and respectful of women. Some women, however, emphasized more negative aspects, considering the 'nice guy' to be boring, lacking confidence, and unattractive."There is also a negative phenomenon associated with the "nice girl" in the same respect. She may be considered to be a prude, boring and overly submissive.
The "jerks" were also divided into two categories, "as either confident, attractive, sexy, and exciting or as manipulative, unfaithful, disrespectful of women, and interested only in sex." Researchers have operationalized the "nice guy" and "jerk" constructs in different ways, some of which are outlined below.
Results of research
Various studies explicitly try to elucidate the success, or lack thereof, of "nice guys" with women.- Jensen-Campbell et al. (1995) operationalized "niceness" as prosocial behaviorProsocial behaviorProsocial behavior, or "voluntary behavior intended to benefit another", consists of actions which "benefit other people or society as a whole," "such as helping, sharing, donating, co- operating, and volunteering." These actions may be motivated by empathy and by concern about the welfare and...
, which included agreeablenessAgreeablenessAgreeableness is a tendency to be pleasant and accommodating in social situations. In contemporary personality psychology, agreeableness is one of the five major dimensions of personality structure, reflecting individual differences in concern for cooperation and social harmony. People who score...
and altruismAltruismAltruism is a concern for the welfare of others. It is a traditional virtue in many cultures, and a core aspect of various religious traditions, though the concept of 'others' toward whom concern should be directed can vary among cultures and religions. Altruism is the opposite of...
. They found that female attraction was a result of an interaction of both dominance and prosocial tendency. They suggest that altruism may be attractive to women when it is perceived as a form of agentic behavior. - Herold and MilhausenRobin MilhausenRobin Milhausen is a Canadian sexologist, professor and talk show host. She edits the newsletter Sexual Science, published by the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality.-Early life:...
(1998) asked a sample of undergraduate women "You meet two men. One, John, is nice but somewhat shy. He has not had any sexual experience. The other, Mike, is attractive, a lot of fun, and has had intercourse with ten women. Both wish to date you. Whom do you choose?" 54% reported a preference for "John," 18% preferred "Mike," and the rest had no preference. - Urbaniak and Killman (2003) constructed vignettes of four hypothetical dating show contestants: "Nice Todd" vs. "Neutral Todd" vs. "Jerk Todd" vs. "Michael," who was created to be a control. "Nice Todd" described a "real man" as "in touch with his feelings," kind and attentive, non-macho, and interested in putting his partner's pleasure first. "Neutral Todd" described a "real man" as someone who "knows what he wants and knows how to get it," and who is good to the woman he loves. "Jerk Todd" described a "real man" as someone who "knows what he wants and knows how to get it," who keeps everyone else on their toes, and avoids "touch-feely" stuff. "Michael" described a "real man" as relaxed and positive. In two studies, Urbaniak and Kilmann found that women claimed to prefer "Nice Todd" over "Neutral" over "Jerk Todd," relative to "Michael" even at differing levels of physical attractivenessPhysical attractivenessPhysical attractiveness refers to a person's physical traits which are perceived to be aesthetically pleasing or beautiful. The term often implies sexual attractiveness or desirability, but can also be distinct from the two; for example, humans may regard the young as attractive for various...
. They also found that for purely sexual relationships, "niceness appeared relatively less influential than physical attractiveness." After acknowledging that women's preference for "niceness" could be inflated by the social desirability biasSocial desirability biasSocial desirability bias is the tendency of respondents to answer questions in a manner that will be viewed favorably by others. It can take the form of over-reporting good behavior or under-reporting bad behavior. The tendency poses a serious problem with conducting research with self-reports,...
, especially due to their use of verbal scripts, they conclude that "our overall results did not favor the nice guy stereotype." - McDaniel (2005) constructed vignettes of dates with a stereotypical "nice guy" vs. a stereotypical "fun/sexy guy," and attempted to make them both sound positive. Participants reported a greater likelihood of wanting a second date with the "nice guy" rather than with the "fun/sexy guy."
- A study at New Mexico State University in Las Cruces (2008) showed that "nice guys" claim to have significantly fewer sexual partners than "bad boys."
- Barclay (2010) found that when all other factors are held constant, guys who perform generous acts are rated as being more desirable for dates and long-term relationships than non-generous guys. This study used a series of matched descriptions where each male was presented in a generous or a control version which differed only whether the man tended to help others. The author suggests that niceness itself is desirable to women, but tends to be used by men who are less attractive in other domains, and this is what creates the appearance of "nice guys finish last".
These studies also cite other research on heterosexual attraction that doesn't mention the "nice guy" term. They interpret various studies on female attraction to various traits in men (e.g. dominance, agreeableness
Agreeableness
Agreeableness is a tendency to be pleasant and accommodating in social situations. In contemporary personality psychology, agreeableness is one of the five major dimensions of personality structure, reflecting individual differences in concern for cooperation and social harmony. People who score...
, physical attractiveness, wealth
Wealth
Wealth is the abundance of valuable resources or material possessions. The word wealth is derived from the old English wela, which is from an Indo-European word stem...
, etc.), and on the sexual success of men with different personality traits, to shed light on the "nice guy" phenomenon.
- Sadalla, Kenrick, and Vershure (1985) found that women were sexually attracted to dominance in men (though dominance did not make men likable to women), and that dominance in women had no effect on men.
- Bogaert and Fisher (1995) studied the relationships between the personalities of university men and their number of sexual partners. They found a correlation between a man's number of sexual partners, and the traits of sensation-seeking, hypermasculinityHypermasculinityHypermasculinity is a psychological term for the exaggeration of male stereotypical behavior, such as an emphasis on physical strength, aggression, body hair, body odor, and virility. This term can be pejorative, though it is also used when examining the behavior dispassionately.One of the first...
, physical attractiveness, and testosteroneTestosteroneTestosterone is a steroid hormone from the androgen group and is found in mammals, reptiles, birds, and other vertebrates. In mammals, testosterone is primarily secreted in the testes of males and the ovaries of females, although small amounts are also secreted by the adrenal glands...
levels. They also discovered a correlation between maximum monthly number of partners, and the traits of dominance and psychoticismPsychoticismPsychoticism is one of the three traits used by the psychologist Hans Eysenck in his P-E-N model model of personality. Psychoticism refers to a personality pattern typified by aggressiveness and interpersonal hostility.High levels of this trait were believed by Eysenck to be linked to increased...
. Bogaert and Fisher suggest that an underlying construct labelled "disinhibitionDisinhibitionDisinhibition is a term in psychology used to describe a lack of restraint manifested in several ways, including disregard for social conventions, impulsivity, and poor risk assessment. Disinhibition affects motor, instinctual, emotional, cognitive and perceptual aspects with signs and symptoms...
" could be used to explain most of these differences. They suggest that disinhibition would correlate negatively with "agreeableness" and "conscientiousnessConscientiousnessConscientiousness is the trait of being painstaking and careful, or the quality of acting according to the dictates of one's conscience. It includes such elements as self-discipline, carefulness, thoroughness, organization, deliberation , and need for achievement. It is an aspect of what has...
" from the Big Five personality modelBig Five personality traitsIn contemporary psychology, the "Big Five" factors of personality are five broad domains or dimensions of personality which are used to describe human personality....
. - Botwin, Buss and Shackelford (1997) found that women had a higher preference for surgencySurgencySurgency is a personality attribute that is part of the Big Five personality traits, or the Five-factor model . It is most commonly referred to as the dimension of Extraversion....
and dominance in their mates than men did, in a study of dating couples and newlyweds.
Heartless Bitches International
In early 2002, the website Heartless Bitches InternationalHeartless Bitches International
Heartless Bitches International is a humorous women's website. It was started as a joke in 1996 by Ottawa, Canada software developer "Natalie P", satirizing the stereotype that all assertive, strong women are "heartless bitches"...
(HBI), which "employs irony as a strategy to offer humorous explorations of contemporary gender relations" published several short essays (which they labelled "rants") on the concept of the "nice guy." Central to the theme of these essays is that a genuinely nice male is desirable, but that many people purporting to be, or believing themselves to be a "nice guy" are actually clingy, self-abasing, and insecure to such an extent that their attempts to be nice and desire to be loved, make them neither nice nor loveable. They also imply that most men who would refer to themselves as "nice guys" often have ulterior motives, such as only looking for sex as opposed to relationships.
The disease to please
A condition very similar to the "nice guy syndrome" was described by the late Harriet Braiker in her 2001 bestselling book The Disease to Please – Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome. Like the "nice guy," the "people-pleaser" will suppress their own needs in order to satisfy the perceived needs of others. However, while the nice guy syndrome was clearly elaborated as a men-only problem, the "disease to please" focuses more on women who can have very similar behavior patterns.See also
- Dark triad
- Friend zoneFriend zoneThe friend zone, or occasionally friendship zone, is a dating term describing a relation in which one partner wants to become intimate romantically while the other prefers to be just friends. It is generally regarded as not a positive development, particularly for a man...
- HypergamyHypergamyHypergamy is the act or practice of seeking a spouse of higher socioeconomic status, or caste status than oneself....
- Involuntary celibacyInvoluntary celibacyInvoluntary celibacy is the absence in human sexuality of intimate relationships or sexual intercourse for reasons other than voluntary celibacy, asexuality, antisexualism, or sexual abstinence...
- Love-shynessLove-shyness- The Definition Of Love-shyness:Love-shyness is a specific type of severe chronic shyness that impairs or prevents intimate relationships. It implies a degree of inhibition and reticence with potential partners that is sufficiently severe to preclude participation in courtship, marriage and family...
- Sexual frustrationSexual frustrationSexual frustration describes the condition in which a human or animal is in a state of agitation, depression, stress, loneliness or anxiety due to prolonged virginity, sexual inactivity and/or sexual dissatisfaction that leads him or her to want more sex or better sex, or a state in which he or she...
- ShynessShynessIn humans, shyness is a social psychology term used to describe the feeling of apprehension, lack of comfort, or awkwardness experienced when a person is in proximity to, approaching, or being approached by other people, especially in new situations or with unfamiliar people...
- Unrequited loveUnrequited loveUnrequited love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. The beloved may or may not be aware of the admirer's deep affections...